“Are there any questions,” I asked as we ended the ESL* class that I was co-teaching. “Yes Mr. Rodger,” asked one of the older Kurdish students. I do not understand why you use the same word for a door that you use for a man and woman.” I asked him what word he was talking about and he said “kheiz.” After some discussion, we established that he was speaking about two words: kiss and keys. To him, the words sounded the same and no matter how many times I pronounced them, he and the other Kurds in the classroom heard the words the same.
One of the younger men, who spoke better English than the others, told me that he had encountered the same thing and had even seen it work the other way. He said, Americans cannot hear the difference between the words hassan and hassan**. Now it was my turn to be confused. As he repeated the two words several times, I still could not hear any difference in his pronunciation.
More than a decade later, sitting in a human development class, I learned that this is a real phenomenon that happens with the more complex languages of the world, English, Chinese, Arabic, Russian, and others. There are sounds in the language that cannot be heard by outsiders. When a child is young, their brains build pathways that understand these sound differences. It is almost impossible to build these pathways as an adult and so the non-native speaker may hear two words that sound different to native speakers but sound identical to the learner.
Communication is challenging, even when two people speak the same native language. What often separates us is not just the sounds and words that we use; but the very different cultural values that we hold. In the United States, there are close to 300 million people. Each person has a cultural, religious, and family background that affects their values. These values are generally formed at an early age and affect how we see the world and ultimately how we communicate with others. Therein lies the problem.
The very ideas of what is right and wrong (or if there is even a right/wrong concept) can derail a conversation or a relationship. I encounter this regularly with family, friends, and acquaintances of mine. I believe that there is good and evil in the world. I believe in the ideas of duty, honor, obligation, community, self-sacrifice, altruism, and justice. Yet, in our society, the watchword ideal is selfishness. What’s in it for me? What have you done for me lately? It’s all about me, me, me.
So, just like my Kurdish friend and I had problems hearing differences in language, so I find the same communication issues with people who don’t speak the same values language.
Parenting, marriage, business dealings, patriotism, and hundreds of other topics become a translator’s nightmare. Why shouldn’t we sexualize our children? Why shouldn’t we cheat on our taxes? Why shouldn’t stockholders bankrupt workers and make themselves millionaires while they crash a company? Why shouldn’t we ditch our marriage when things get hard? Why shouldn’t a company bribe inspectors so that they can take shortcuts? Why shouldn’t we stay home from elections and ignore the corruption? Why shouldn’t we let our children make all their own choices with no moral guidance? Why shouldn’t we redefine institutions, ideas, and history to fit our own selfish ends?
There is a polarization of people in this country and it is primarily due to this. We no longer speak the same language of values. If you are a Republican, you cannot find any good in the current president, no matter what good things he does. Democrats are no better; they spent eight years denigrating the last president with no recognition that he actually did good things. Atheist sue right and left to remove any idea of God from this nation’s government, pretending that religion was absent in the founding of this nation. And let’s not forget the Christians who waste time and money suing to get prayer in school (just ours mind you), crosses in courthouses, and nativity scenes on public property as if we can’t have these things on our property.
This polarization of values leaves us unable to communicate with each other. Most people don’t even try to see the other side; they just spout their ideas and scorn everyone else’s.
If we can no longer understand each other, how will we ever be a cohesive community? Why can't we hold different points of view but still have civil discussion? Why can't we disagree over the things we disagree over and still give credit where it is due? We need to talk...
Give me a call if you need a translator for this.
* ESL – English as a Second Language
** I believe the words he used were said/spelled this way, but I don’t speak Arabic or Kurdish.
