Beautiful

We stood as a small group in a parking garage outside of the lecture hall, getting ready to head off for discussion groups.  14 teenagers, a close female friend as an adult sponsor and myself.  In moments, I was going to have my heart broken in a way I could never have anticipated, but I didn’t know it yet.

I had the kids stand in a circle while I was trying to gather my thoughts on what to say.  We had just come out of a summer camp session for high schoolers that talked about the cultural and personal issues of sexuality by Craig and Jason of XXX Church and had been instructed to meet briefly to talk as a group and then to split by gender and have a more personal discussion on these issues.    It had been a powerful session that had taught me something.  I had always thought that pornography was predominantly a male issue.   Though it is the subject of jokes and lighthearted acceptance in our culture at large, the truth is, it consumes the lives of many men, breaks their marriages, and is very destructive in a multitude of ways. 

But, here was something I hadn’t realized.  What Craig and Jason pointed out was that the overall culture of pornography also is destructive to the women in our lives.  They asked the question, “Why is it that when you look at almost any men’s magazine, there is a beautiful half-naked woman on the front?  And, why is it that when you look at almost any women’s magazine, you see the same thing?”  Not even discussing magazines such as Penthouse or Hustler, but Swimsuit Issues, FHM, Maxim, and the like.  And women’s magazines such as 17, Vogue.  There is a message of perfect beauty that pervades our culture and it affects the self esteem of our young girls.

Back in the parking garage, I recognized the truth of their message, or at least I thought I did.  But, it was about to be brought home in a powerful and painful way.

I asked the kids to look around at each other and then I said, “These are your brothers and sisters.  Girls, look at these guys.  Every single one of them struggles with these issues.  They deal with lust and temptation on a daily basis and it affects how they look at women and how they look at themselves, and it’s a very real struggle in each of their lives.”  The kids looked at each other with some discomfort, but the moment passed and they waited for what else I had to say.

Then, I said, “Guys, look around you at these girls.  Each and every one of them struggles with their self-value in some way.  They wonder if they are pretty enough, smart enough, or valuable enough to be loved.  They envy other girls for their beauty while they secretly doubt themselves.”

That’s when it happened.  I thought I had understood the issue.  I had worked with teens for almost a decade and had a young daughter of my own, but I didn’t really understand.

When I had finished my statement I saw every single one of those girls, including the adult sponsor get the most heartbreaking look on their faces and look quickly down at the ground.  Tears ran down several of their faces. 

My words had struck home in a deeply personal way that was shattering.

My own eyes teared up as I looked upon these girls who I cared so much about.  I had known most of them since they were small children, including the adult sponsor.  Now, every single one of these girls was beautiful and every single one didn’t believe it.  I don’t say they were beautiful, “just because I was their youth minister and I was supposed to say that kind of thing;” it’s true, every one of those young women were physically beautiful.  There wasn’t one who wasn’t pretty.  Very pretty.  What’s more, I knew every single one of them, and each was a beautiful person inside too.  They were my friends, they were my students, and I loved them as if they were my own daughters.

Yet, here they were broken to their very core by the message of value that our culture had put on them.  These lovely young ladies, each and every one, wondered if they were loveable.  It’s not enough to say that my heart was broken for them… It was torn with grief that they would have to fight this battle.

As instructed, we broke into two separate groups, male and female, to have our discussions.  I walked quickly ahead of the guys to the room where we were going to talk, so they wouldn’t see how much this had shaken me.  I needed time to gather my thoughts before I spoke again.

I have often discussed the issue of pornography with guys.  I truly believe that puberty is a much worse experience for guys than girls. Everything that happens to guys is in secret and it is culturally surrounded with shame.  Every guy at some point feels like a dirty little pervert and wonders if there is something wrong with him, because other guys don’t seem to have these issues.  Even in a culture that is now seems accepting of pornography, there is still an underlying message that you are sick if you look at it. 

But, the pictures and advertising that pervades our media, magazines, movies, and music are destructive to our young women.  Airbrushing, makeup, special lighting and Photoshop, along with the selection of only a certain female models who meet a narrow set of criteria, leads us to a standard of beauty that is all but impossible to meet in the real world.  I once heard a quote from a supermodel where she said, “We are freaks of nature.”  Years ago, we had a young girl in our youth group who was a model.  She did runway shows and fashion modeling.  Let me tell you, she was gorgeous even as a teen.  Tall, thin, long hair, and perfect skin… Amazing physical beauty.  When I saw here again a few years later, I found out she was no longer modeling.  Why?  They told her that she was too fat!!!!!!!  She looked no different to me, most women would envy her figure, yet she wasn’t ‘perfect’ enough for the modeling world. 

Dove (the soap company) has a drive to change this.  In their Campaign for Real Beauty, they have created videos that show the reality of women in advertising and the painful truth of how this affects our girls. (Fair warning, the second video is very sad)

 There is a cartoon that I have seen several times posted on the internet.  The caption says, “The difference between men and women.” It shows two panels.  One shows a girl looking in a mirror and the other shows a guy looking in the mirror.  The guy is overweight and bald, but looks in the mirror and sees himself like Charles Atlas.  The girl is curvy and attractive, but in the mirror, sees this dumpy ugly woman.  There is so much truth here, it hurts. 

What saddens me the most is that I see this message being eaten up by my own preteen daughter and her young friends.  I hear them talk about diets and exercise, not because they want to be healthy, but because they think they are fat.  It makes me want to go have an angry and quite violent encounter with the editors of every fashion magazine in existence. 

It’s time to dump these ideas as a culture.  They don’t work, and they are spiritually and emotionally (and sometimes physically) destructive to our daughters….

And our wives and mothers too.  Our culture values youth and discards the aged.  I love the scene in the movie, “A Family Thing” where Robert Duvall is looking at old family pictures and says to the Grandma, “You were very pretty back then,” and Grandma replies, “There ain’t nothing wrong with the way I look now.”  But, even our adult women are sucked into this twisted culture of youth and beauty.  Liposuction, plastic surgery, and fad diets are the way of life for many of our adult women.

Let’s never spend another dime on one of these magazines.  Let’s turn the channel when shows like Top Model come on.  Let’s send the message to our girls that it’s good to be healthy and fit, but it’s not healthy to obsess about appearance.

The cultural idea of beauty has changed over time.  Sometimes it has been healthy, other times destructive.  The 1911 Swimsuit Issue would have looked VERY different from the 2011 one!  Let's change this culture's idea of beauty.  Let’s send the message to the girls in our lives that they ARE beautiful as they are. 

Let’s work for the day when another youth minister is standing in a parking garage looking at his group of kids, saying, “You won’t believe this, but many years ago, our society used to believe that a woman’s value was in her physical beauty.”  I hope he never has to see the looks on his girls faces that I saw.

Tall or short.

Curvy or thin.

Black, White, Brown, Yellow, or Red.

Long straight hair or kinky afro.

Blonde, brunette, or redhead.

Young or old.

You are beautiful, just as God created you.

---------

P.S. To all of you girls that were there in the parking garage that day, you were beautiful then and you are still beautiful today. 

Long Before I Tell You

I am a follower of Jesus.

Don’t assume you understand

what that means.

It saddens me that

you probably don’t know at all.

Even more heartbreaking,

I know you just got a picture

in your mind that looks very different

from what a follow of Jesus is.

There are far too many people

that you’ve met,

and heard, and seen,

who say they are Christian,

but don’t follow his way.

“Feed the hungry,” Jesus says.

     “Get them off welfare,” they reply.

“Give your money to the poor,” he tells the rich young man

     “Well, he didn’t mean me,” they explain away

“Turn the other cheek, and love your enemies” he teaches

     “I’ll get even,” they respond at work,

     and “torture the bastards”

     they say of ‘enemy combatants’

“Invite the stranger in,” Christ requires of us,

     but their reply is, “What part of illegal don’t you understand?”

“Render unto Caesar,” he spoke,

     “He’s not my president, I hate him,” they proudly proclaim.

“I don’t condemn you,” he told the woman,

     “You’re going to burn in Hell!” their sign says.

He says that his followers

will be known by their love,

but these ones have no compassion

and forgiveness isn’t there

even for others who they claim to be their brothers.

He tells them, “follow me” and to leave

the things of this world behind,

but they bring an American flag and

their political party too,

as if the Kingdom of God

is split into two.

 “He’s my Lord, my very brother

as I’m a child of God,” they declare

while forgetting his words, “My brothers are those

who hear God's word

and put it into practice.”

Jesus gave love and compassion

to the hurting and lost

and he gave nothing but contempt and rebuke

to pompous religious fools

who professed to follow God,

but crushed others with their pride

and judgment and deceit.

What of those today who claim him as their own

but condemn others and live as hypocrites.

I don’t know how they mixed up the messages,

the words are right there

in millions of copied pages.

They don’t know his words

and don’t do his works,

but unfortunately,

arrogance and ignorance go hand in hand

just as the songwriter said.

Why are the worst examples always the loudest ones?

I’m sorry that those are the ones you see on the news,

the ones who preach at you at work,

the ones who condemn you for your sins

while conveniently ignoring their own.

Please know, there are others,

many more than you realize:

the quiet ones who listen,

the faithful who follow,

the busy ones who act,

the selfless ones who serve,

the ones who take his word seriously,

and do his works generously,

who live justly,

and who love mercy,

who walk humbly with their Lord.

Watch for them, they are there,

and ignore the ones who talk

but don’t bother to walk.

Don’t assume that you know what a Christian is

because you’ve seen those others.

A person can claim anything they want,

but you can see right through.

Jesus said you’ll know a person by their fruit

just as you can tell a tree by what it bears;

if their fruit is condescension,

self-righteous judging and rage,

they aren’t bearing the truth

and don’t know his message,

but if their fruit is love and joy and peace,

patience, kindness, and goodness,

faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control -

well, that’s the right kind of tree

and a message you can believe.

Judge his message by

his followers who really live out their faith,

who serve you and not hurt you

who love you and not hate you

who tell you truth gently and not hate-filled rhetoric

who earn the right to be heard and do not demand it

who are selfless and not selfish

who are like Jesus

and not like those others you've seen.

I am a follower of Jesus,

and I hope you can see him in my life

long before I tell you

I am a follower of him.

Ten Little Indians

The drums start pounding in the distance.  The rhythm begins building as the chief raises his arms to the sky.  The warrior-dancers stride boldly in, their warpaint fierce, their faces determined; this is their moment.  Concentration fills their faces as the wailing music starts and they began to dance around, mimicking the elements of fire, water, earth and air.  They dance with abandon to celebrate the joy of a harvest, to give thanks for the food they will eat.  Flashes of light strobe across the scene and voices began to call.

“Look this way, honey.” 

“You’re doing great.”

“Keep dancing, buddy, follow the teacher.”

We parents watched our little preschoolers perform for the school’s Thanksgiving feast.  Our ten little Indians were dancing around a fire made of construction paper and cardboard tubes with a tipi made of window blind pieces standing in the background. Paper headbands held pink and yellow feathers and tinkling bells were tied around their ankles.

It was probably as politically incorrect as you can get now days and someone, somewhere is probably offended.  Of course, that someone, somewhere is always offended about something.  Yes, we know the Native Americans of the East Coast tribes who encountered the pilgrims didn’t live in tipis.  Yes, the second song was sung in Spanish, not the language of the Wampanoag.  Yes, the pilgrims arguably brought a new culture that brought change to another culture. 

But, the kid’s celebration of Thanksgiving was enthusiastic and warmed everyone’s heart. As far as political correctness goes, they were pretty diverse.  We had White Indians, Black Indians, Hispanic Indians and even an Asian Indian Indian bridging two very different cultures who share a name.  Her big brown eyes would melt anyone’s heart, so I’m pretty sure it made everything OK.

Sometimes an Indian is really an Indian and sometimes, she’s from India.  Sometimes a tipi is a home for plains dwelling Native Americans, and sometimes it is a butcher paper and window blind structure for ambience.  Sometimes a drama is for teaching history, and sometimes it is just performing for parents.

Here’s to all those who fuss and bother about titles and proper names for things, for those who insist on the correct version of history and those who are so tolerant that they are intolerant of anyone who doesn’t agree with them. Relax. 

Let’s put aside politics for awhile and just enjoy watching the kids.  They don’t care about any of that anyway, they just want to dance for their parents.

Happy Holidays.

What is the Christian Response to Abortion?

I was invited to serve my time on the picket line a few weeks ago.  Two ladies stopped in my office to discuss the possibility of my church joining in the protest of a local practitioner who performs the only private abortions in the state.  I listened politely and accepted their literature, but then respectfully told them, ‘No.’ 

I don’t like abortion.  Let’s be clear about that.  I think it is a positively awful and generally selfish choice that almost always arises out of poor life decisions.  Though the debate often moves to questions like, “What if the pregnancy is because of incest or rape,” I believe this is the exception and not the rule.  With more forethought and more focus personal responsibility instead of demanding personal rights, there would be less need for abortions in this country.  Please understand, if you are a woman who has had an abortion, I do not condemn you for it, but my heart breaks for the situation.  I would never turn away someone who has chosen or is considering abortion, especially in those exception cases. 

I also do not like abortion protests.  By and large, they are obnoxious and so focused on this one issue, that they lose sight of all other humanity.  It doesn’t take much of a leap to go from charges of murder to feeling obligated to do anything in your power to prevent the murder.  Thus we get shootings of abortion doctors and bombings of their centers.  Even those who do not turn to violence, often turn to violent language, graphic pictures, and intimidating tactics.  Violence, hatred, and intimidation are NOT worthy of Jesus and are completely unacceptable from anyone who claims to follow him.  I just cannot picture Jesus yelling epithets through a megaphone at a scared young girl.   

During college, members of my class were assigned to visit a Planned Parenthood and ask questions.  To enter the center nearest me, I had to go through a heavy steel door with an armored peephole that looked like it was out of a bank vault.  The inside lobby was small and the receptionist window had that thick bulletproof glass that you see in check-cashing businesses.  The interior door to the counselors and patient rooms was also armored and you had to present I.D. and wait to be buzzed through.  I was saddened that those doctors, nurses, and counselors were in an armed camp, predominantly out of fear of people who call themselves Christians.  That’s not how it should be.

The ladies who invited our church to join them in this current protest promised me that the signs would be about love and would, in fact, say, “We Love You, Choose Life.” They told me the protest would be all about letting the doctor and patients know that we loved them and that there would be no graphic pictures of aborted fetuses.  I still am concerned.  Who controls what goes on these signs?  Who controls who gets to be there protesting?  Even the most peaceful protests tend to draw the fringe elements, and that brings danger. 

I believe that the Christian response to abortion is not protest, but Adoption.  My challenge to any and every protestor who would walk in front of an abortion doctor’s office, is this: “How many children have you adopted?”  For every pastor, teacher, or blogger who has written and spoken on the subject of abortion, I would ask, “How many young girls have you provided for so they can have a baby and put it up for adoption?”

I don’t know that holding a sign has ever changed a single person’s mind.  I do know that a loving offer to adopt has.  I do know that giving a woman information can make an incredible difference (yet Planned Parenthood consistently stands against any requirement for this).  I also know that groups like Crisis Pregnancy Centers do an incredible job offering counseling, connecting women with adoption agencies, offering financial assistance, and walking with a pregnant woman through a tough time.  They even offer post-abortion counseling for free, if a woman chooses that route. 

I am a believer in putting your money and your action where your mouth is.  Period.  If you cannot stand up, please shut up. 

Here are the stats. 

·  According to the National Abortion Federation’s website (a pro-choice group), there are approximately 1.3million unwanted pregnancies in the United States each year.

·  According to Religion Facts, there are approximately 159 million Christians in the United States. 

·  There are already as many as a half a million people seeking to adopt children at any given time in the United States and as many as 1.58 million who have taken steps to look into adoption according to Adoption.com. 

·  There are around 127,000 children awaiting adoption in foster care right now, according to the Adoption Institute.

·  Fertility Treatments can cost upward of $12,000 per cycle with the average spent on In Vitro Fertilization in the U.S. of $100,000 per baby born!  $4 billion dollars a year is spent on assisted reproduction in the U.S.

·  The average cost of a foster adoption is $5,000 with domestic adoptions costing around $10,000 and international adoptions running from $25,000 - $35,000 according to the Adoption Guide.  Note – there are tax credits and grants for adoption that alleviate some of this.

The simple truth here is, if every church in the U.S. took this idea seriously, there would be little or nothing left to protest about.  There are just over 12 times as many Christians as there are abortions.  There should be enough families to adopt every available baby.  If churches and families took the calling to adoption seriously, there would be millions of families available to adopt and millions of others available to support the families in those adoptions.  Imagine if the money spent on fertility treatments were spent towards adopting unwanted babies and children.  Imagine if churches stepped up and committed to adopting every child available AND supporting those families that went through with adoptions.

A pastor friend of mine and his wife* shared how they adopted a little baby girl and then ten months later had the opportunity to adopt twin newborn boys.  It took little thought for them to say, ‘Yes.’  They said it was so hard taking care of three little babies, two of whom were preemies, that they remembered little about that first year.  What they did share was that the women of their church brought them dinners every night for six months and then continued to regularly drop off food for months after that.  They also had church members who came over and watched the babies periodically so they could get a break.  Now, that’s how it should work!

When we adopted my oldest daughter, we experienced the same thing.  Church members organized meals for us.  They dropped off gifts of baby clothing, formula, food for the family, and many other things.  I don’t think we bought a single diaper for the first year!  They helped us with babysitting, and even just coming to visit.

That’s how it’s supposed to work.  Christian community is an amazing thing; it's much more powerful than any sign.

I am not suggesting that this would stop all abortions, but I do suggest that it could be an amazing, life-changing experience for everyone involved: the woman facing an unwanted pregnancy, the precious child, the adoptive family, and the church as a whole.  I know so many adoptive families and in every single case, the experience has been a hard one, but a healthy one.  The love these families and children experience overflows on those around them. 

My wife and I have had a wonderful experience with adoption and intend to adopt more children in the future.  I invite every Christian family to step up and either open your lives up to adopt a child, or open your pocket book up to support adoption. 

Love is a powerful thing.  I believe it is infinitely more powerful when it is taken off of signs and put into action. 

* Note: My Pastor friend does participate in the protest at that site, holding a sign that says, ‘We love you, choose life.’  He has adopted several children; he has earned the right to hold a sign.

If you are a family looking to adopt, may I recommend Christian Family Care Agency at www.cfcare.org ((602) 234-1935 or Arizona Baptist Children’s Services at www.abcs.org (623) 349-2227

If you can contribute to adoption, please consider making a donation to http://www.cfcare.org/donate/ or to http://www.choicesaz.org/. 

 If you are a woman experiencing an unwanted pregnancy, may I suggest you contact the local Crisis Pregnancy Center.  In Phoenix, you can find them at www.choicesaz.org  or by calling them at (602) 393-7501.  All assistance is free, fair, and confidential.

If you are a woman who has had an abortion and would like to talk to someone, they also offer free counseling. 

Other services offered by Crisis Pregnancy Centers include:

·         Pregnancy testing

·         STD Testing

·         Physician or Nurse Consultation

·         Crisis counseling

·         Counseling for parents, boyfriends, and husbands

·         Adoption counseling

·         Adoption referral

·         Housing referrals

·         Childbirth classes

·         Parenting classes

·         Abortion recovery

·         Ultrasounds

 Another option is  Hope House http://womenscpc.org/#/hope-house-maternity-home/4552859533 located in Showlow, Az.  It may be a drive from Phoenix, but they offer an actual maternity home.