Top Ten Ways to Have Better Relationships

I decided it was time to do another set of Top 10 lists. I had fun with the last series, so let's go again. I thought I'd share a series on becoming a better you. Hey, if Joel Olsteen can do it, I can too. The only difference here is that I won't make any money off of this and I can't pull off that 'used car dealer' smile. This is just for fun and I hope you will add your own input in the comments. Our first topic is How to Have a Better Relationship. This is for any relationship from marriage, BFF's, close buddies, or just two dudes in a Bro-mance (Joe and Theo).

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Whether it is friendship, marriage, or even family, any relationships are often difficult. The biggest hurdle is to get past our own selfishness and past baggage to grow closer to the other person. The experience of a personal and deep relationship with someone, that surpasses all of the issues to become a lifetime relationship, is one of the most powerful experiences that you can experience as a person.

Here are some effective ways to experience this:

1. Value people over things. There are few more important ways to deepen the level of the relationships in your life and to really grow a person than this. When the possessions in your life and the money you earn cease to be more important than the people around you, love can begin to deepen. This is a huge lesson in our materialistic society where spouses both work to pay the bills, where parents work long hours to afford more stuff, and where toys and possessions become the goal. Reprioritizing generosity, sacrificial living, and simplicity over financial gain will allow you to focus on building stronger relationships with the people closest to you.


2. Listen. There is an old cliché that says, “God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason.” Again, this involves getting past selfishness. If my friend is sharing information with me and all I can think of is what I am going to say next, we both lose out on the chance to grow closer. Listening is not the same thing as hearing, though. Listening requires actively paying attention to what they are saying, noting voice inflection and non-verbal clues. A good test to see if you have listened (and to let them know that you are) is to repeat it back to them in their own words when they are done speaking. This helps you focus on the meaning of their words, and it helps to prevent misunderstandings because they can clarify if needed.


3. Spend Time. There is no such thing as quality time if you don’t spend quantity time. Period. You cannot expect to have a deep relationship unless you actually put in the time to earn trust and to offer enough opportunities for sharing.


4. Do new things together. Any relationship can become stagnant after enough time of the ‘same old thing.’ If you want to deepen the relationship, share new experiences. This does two things to help your relationship grow: first, you will now share a special time with that person that no one else shares with them, and secondly, you will see each other in a new place where you are vulnerable. This allows your masks to slip so that you can each catch a glimpse of the deeper person.


5. Do new things apart and then come back together to share them. If you spend all your time together, even sharing new experiences, you will quickly have nothing new to talk about. If you each go out and gain new experiences apart, then you will have something exciting to share when you come back together.


6. Serve together. Serving others is one of the greatest experiences you can have together. This, again, has the effect of breaking through your own selfishness. Spend time volunteering in a soup kitchen, at a church event, at a homeless shelter, raising money for a good cause, or something similar. Help other people and you can’t help but to be changed. When you share this experience with another person, it can cause you to grow together spiritually.


7. Tell them how much you value them. Everyone likes to hear that they are loved. Don’t be afraid to tell someone that they matter to you. It may feel awkward at first, but it can help you grow together.


8. Exhort each other to growth. Proverbs 27:6 says, that wounds from a friend can be trusted. If you can speak truthfully to one another in love, then you can encourage each other to grow. A real friend is someone who will be honest with you in everything, from the small things such as a zipper that’s open to the big stuff like addictions.


9. Be intentionally humble. No one likes an arrogant jerk. You don’t want to put up with someone who thinks only of themselves, so don’t be that person. This helps a lot in personal communication. When you admit your struggles, then it helps the other person not have to compete with you. Just don’t play the false humility card.


10. Be intentionally transparent. Choose to be real. It’s that simple. You will never grow past the lightweight level of relationship until you open up and get vulnerable. Now, this isn’t something to do in the first five minutes of a relationship, but it is something you can choose to intentionally do, one step at a time.

Relationships are hard. Deep ones are even harder to get to. But, with investment in others, you can experience deep and abiding relationships that will make you a better person and broaden your life experience. Trust me, it is worth it.

Tomorrow: Top 10 Ways to Have a Better Marriage.

It Doesn't Just Happen

WARNING – The contents of this blog will be offensive to some people. If you can’t handle graphic comments then please don’t read the following. If you choose to read, please don’t comment that you find the statements distasteful, we are going for total honesty here. Adults Only!

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This whole thing with Tiger Woods and his plethora of mistresses has started to fade away, but the commentary continues. I have nothing personal against Tiger, but I do decry the choices that he made. What bothers me about Tiger, John Edwards, Mark Sanford, Jim McGreevy, Bill Clinton and others is the statements that they make after the fact. There is a sense that, “It just happened” or, “I made a mistake.”

The truth is, infidelity of this sort does NOT just happen. There is a quote from the TV Show Friends that applies here; “What did you mean to stick it in, her purse?” These men did not just walk down the street, stumble against a pretty girl and accidentally copulate.

A recent article talked about people in online worlds such as Second Life having entire second lives including an online ‘spouse.’ There are divorces that occur because one spouse has met someone else on the internet and fallen in love with them. Office romances occur when you work lots of hours with someone and grow close to them. All of these are choices that lead to infidelity.

Fidelity in marriage comes from daily choices to love your spouse and to rebuff others. Having a faithful marriage is never an accident. Neither is adultery. The simple truth is that being married does not turn off your libido. There is no doubt about it, sex is fun and you will desire to have sex with people who are not your spouse. You will be emotionally and sexually attracted to other people in your life. The question is, will you make the choices and take the steps that moves you away from them, towards your spouse or will you choose to move towards them and threaten the destruction of your marriage.

When any of these men were in the act of having sex with their mistresses, they were in a position (no pun intended) that they chose. What’s more, they had already made a hundred choices to get to that point and at any point they could have come to their senses and chosen to reverse the process. They chose to continue spending time with the person after they were attracted to her. They chose to say, “yes” to going out with her. They chose to go back to a private place with her. They chose to get physical with her. And they chose to do the deed. They could have chosen at any time to get out of bed, pull up their pants, put the cigar away, and driven away. But they chose the momentary pleasure of getting their rocks off over the long term joy of a faithful marriage.

Sex is NOT a bad thing. Frankly it is an amazing gift from God. I am personally a fan (I’ll bet there is a Facebook Fan Page for it. But, sleeping around cheapens sex and ruins relationships. Every time you do it with someone, you lose a little of yourself…unless, that person is your spouse and it is part of a healthy marriage relationship, then you gain a little every time. Genesis 2:24-25 paints a clear and beautiful picture of how God meant it to be: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” Naked and Unashamed: that's how you close you are supposed to be with your spouse, not with anyone else.

If these men had chosen to invest as much time, energy, attention, and romance with their wives as they spent on their mistresses, then I guarantee that they wouldn’t have needed the mistress for a sexual outlet. It’s amazing how much a marriage can recover with time and attention and how much it can be destroyed by infidelity. Rarely do marriages recover from infidelity. This is the worst betrayal that can happen. When you make the choices that lead to this, it is not an accident and it is inexcusable. Please don’t make it worse by making excuses about how it “just happened.” Make the choice ahead of time that this behavior is unacceptable. Make the choice to daily love your spouse and to refuse all others.

You have my permission to go have sex with your spouse now. Everyone else should go take a cold shower.

P.S. Honey, I'll be home early tonight.

How Sweet it Is

Life is too short for broken relationships.

Rifts between loved ones, cold distance between former friends, and estrangement through busyness are all perfectly terrible ways to waste precious time and precious people. There will come a time when you lay on your deathbed awaiting your end. Will any hurt be worth taking to your grave? Will your pride be so much that you push people away even then? Will all of your time spent in pointless activity be worth the loss of time you might have spent with someone you cared about?

In the last few weeks, I have gotten a chance to experience reconciliation in some relationships in my life. One, a family member, has finally opened up, allowing me and my family back into his life. The other is a friend that I used to work with who crashed his life through drugs, disappearing from my life for several years.

In both cases, it was not my desire to break the relationship, but it happened anyway. The hardest part was facing the fact that, no matter how I felt, no matter what I did, it was up to the other person to come back.

With that said, it is so sweet to be able to reforge broken bonds, to be able to connect again to those you have lost. It is amazingly easy to get past the pain and hurt if you just decide that the person is more important than the past.

I learned much about broken relationships and reconciliation as a child. My father and his father were at odds through a large part of my childhood. During that time, I had no grandparents. They were there, but I wasn’t able to see them because of stubborn hard-heartedness on the part of both my father and grandfather. As a child, I could never understand why my grandpa didn’t love me. I now know it had little to do with me, but the damage was still done to a little boy. It wasn’t until my early teen years that they reconciled.

I am no saint. Though I observed the lesson, I didn’t learn it till later in my adulthood. During my late teens and early twenties, I treated the relationships in my life flippantly. I threw away people as though trash. It tears my heart as I think back on hurt that I have caused others.

I greatly regret the 2-3 years that I was apart from some very close friends because I was so self-focused. I also regret some terrible things that I did and said to people during that time. Nothing can ruin a relationship faster than self-centeredness. There is still a girl to this day who I owe a deep apology too for how I treated her. We once were friends and now, no longer are. I hope one day to reconcile that relationship.

I am taking steps now to reach out to people who I have pushed away in the past and those who I have just been too busy to make time for. There are no acceptable excuses.

This is important to God. Jesus says in Matthew 5:23-24 that reconciliation is even more important than going to church today or offering to God. He says to leave the gift in front of the altar and go be reconciled, then come back and offer at the altar.

As I said before, Life is too short for broken relationships.

That’s my challenge to you, this very day. Will you toss away friends and family as though they were garbage? Will you let those past hurts be more important than the person that you valued? Or...Will you reach out. Will you begin to bridge the gap?

This is the day. Don’t let another day pass without reaching out to bridge the gap. It doesn’t matter if they’ve hurt you or you’ve hurt them. It doesn’t matter if you were too busy yesterday, only that you aren’t too busy today.

Someday, some random Thursday afternoon, you are going to get that call. You know the call I am speaking of, the call that says there will never again be a chance to reconcile with them because they are gone. If you don’t do something today, then that someday will come all too soon.

I urge you, stop reading this blog, turn off the computer, and make that call. Be humble. Be forgiving. Ask for forgiveness. Reconcile. Today. Now. Don't wait till it is too late.

How sweet it is to be welcomed back.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:17-18

Ten Things in the Bible that People Always Seem to Get Wrong

Ten Things in the Bible That People Always Seem to Get Wrong

Whether it is cultural bias, twisting scripture to prove their own selfish points, or good old fashioned ignorance, there are some scriptures that people always seem to get wrong. Here are ten of the most common:

Number 10: Cleanliness is next to Godliness. Mom loved to quote scripture to get you to clean behind your ears. The problem is, it ain’t in the Bible.

Number 9: God helps those who help themselves. Nope, that ain’t in there either.

Number 8: Judge not, lest ye be judged. Matthew 7:1-5. I’ve included this in other lists. This is not an instruction forbidding wise judgment, but an instruction against hypocrisy.

Number 7: The entire book of Revelation. Lots of people read parts of this book and then figure that they know how it’s all going to end and how God is coming back. They see black helicopters and marching soldiers and the Antichrist in everybody from Hitler to Saddam Hussein to Barack Obama.

Number 6: Health & Wealth Gospel. Flip on channel 21 and chances are you’ll see someone telling you that if you have just enough faith, then God will make you rich and healthy and happy. That’s great, but that isn’t in the Bible. O, they will take various scriptures such as Isaiah 53:5 or Matthew 7:7-8 to prove their point, but only by twisting the original meaning and ignoring verses like Luke 18:18-23, 1Timothy 6:9-11 (see below) and John 15:19-20.

Number 5: 1Timothy 6:9-11 Money is the root of all evil. Actually, the verse says, that the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. Hmmmm Enron, Bernie Madoff, our current mortgage crisis…. It’s almost as if God knew what He was talking about!

Number 4: Matthew 18:19-20. Where three or more are gathered in my name, I am there with them. This is used in a lot of beautiful communion meditations to say that God is present when we meet together for fellowship. It is also used as a health and wealth scripture. But, if you take this back to Matthew 18:15-20, then you see he is speaking about discipline for those who are refusing correction, specifically, someone who has sinned against a brother and then is recalcitrant about fixing it.

Number 3: Thou shalt not kill. Another verse that everyone seems to know in the King James. It is actually a law against murder, not all killing. A soldier doing his job is not covered by this law. A person using deadly force to defend their life or the life of another is not covered by this. A police officer or an executioner doing their duty are not covered by this.

Number 2: 1Timothy 2:11-13 Women don’t serve in church. I have, at times, run into people (mostly women, believe it or not) who don’t believe that women should serve in church, speak in church, or do anything else that might smack of leadership or teaching because of this scripture. In doing so, they disregard Mary, Phoebe, Priscilla, Lydia, Junia, Deborah, Esther, and a whole mess of other ladies in the Bible who did serve God, who did lead God’s people, who did teach, preach, prophesy, etc.

Number 1: Speaking of gender issues. Ephesians 5:22-24. Wives must submit to their husbands or else!!! This verse has been used countless times as an excuse for an overbearing jerk of a husband to beat his wife, dominate her, and/or control her life. Conveniently, he will always skip Ephesians 5:21 and Ephesians 5:25-29. Men are actually held to a much higher standard of submission to their wives in these verses.

Tomorrow: Ten Books of the Bible that are Worth Your Time to Read

Two Movies

This weekend, I watched two movies that are worth comment. Life just isn’t like the movies. Usually. But, sometimes, they mirror real life in a way that can be exquisitely raw.

The first movie that I saw was ‘Last Kiss.’ It was a date night movie for my wife and I. Earlier in the week, we were at Wally World, getting new shoes for my daughter. After about a half an hour looking at shoes and realizing that the girls weren’t anywhere near done, I wandered over to the $3 movie bin. (Hey, if a man can’t spend $3 on a movie for his wife, what’s this world coming to?) I found this movie that billed itself as a romantic comedy and it had the guy from ‘Scrubs’ in it, a show my wife likes. What could go wrong?

Everything.

This movie is agonizingly close to reality. It is a movie about relationships, broken ones. It was not the ‘romantic comedy’ that it billed itself as. No, this movie is about the destruction of relationships. Marriages fell apart, relationships were destroyed, parents fought over their children. There was infidelity and dysfunctional relationships right and left. I've seen far to many destroyed relationships of close friends and people I care about, to appreciate this movie.

Save your $3 and buy your wife a big chocolate candy bar.

I would recommend this movie to one group of people. I believe that I might just send it back to my old Bible college to the counseling department. It should be a class assignment: each student must take one of the characters and describe the process for counseling this person. The people in the movie are so real that the process of counseling them would be great practice.

The second movie that I saw was also on a date night. This time, it was daddy-daughter date night. I took my little girl out to see the movie of her choice and for a little gelato afterwards. She chose the movie, ‘Up’.

This movie, I would recommend. It too is about relationships. The core of the story is about a man and a woman who get married and grow old together. She dies in the first 20 minutes of the movie and the rest of the movie involves him fulfilling a promise to her while learning to find other relationships in his life.

I am not ashamed to say that I cried in this movie. The writers do such an excellent job of making you love this couple, it’s hard not to cry when you see him alone. It really strikes to the heart of my own fears. I love my wife. A lot. And, I recognize the awful truth that one day, one of us will go before the other one.

Every love story has a sad ending. There is a deep truth there that was at the heart of each of these movies. Each movie showed the pain and grieving that comes with the loss of a relationship. Unfortunately, we live in a society where the first movie is a better example of relationships than the second.

I am distressed at the state of marriage in our world. Life is short, painfully so. We have the briefest time on this earth to live and love. Why, then, would you waste it being miserable and hateful to someone.

The truth is, you can spend a lifetime growing together in a healthy relationship, facing down your problems and learning to work together OR, you can spend a lifetime dealing with the baggage from a broken relationship. Either way, you spend a lifetime with that person.

My wife and I both come from broken homes. We could have learned the lesson that relationships are disposable. They aren’t and we didn’t. Instead, we both decided that our marriage was going to last through it all. Our goal is 75 years and then we’ll renegotiate.

We’ve lasted 13 years so far, through some really tough times and through some really great times. We’ve had the 2nd Year lull and the 7 year itch. We’ve had struggles with having children and the delight of adoption. We’ve had arguments that shook the walls and we’ve laughed together, played together, cried together, and loved together.

Relationships are hard. I won't lie to you. You will never hurt another person in this world as much as the person that you truly love. To grow in love, you must be vulnerable, and when you are vulnerable, you will get hurt. Working through that hurt as a partnership, opening up to each other, and growing old together will make for an adventure that outshines any movie script.

Healthy relationships require a daily choice to grow closer to each other. They require a regular dose of humility. They require constant care and vigilance. Long lasting, loving relationships don't just happen. They require effort. Trust me; it is worth it.

Both of these movies, ‘Last Kiss’ and ‘Up’ hold the same lesson: a healthy relationship is priceless and a dysfunctional one is worthless – it’s your choice which one you will live with.

I think I need to go watch a guy movie now.

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24.