Ten Weirdest Things in the Bible

Continuing with my Top 10 for 10 Days, today’s ten are the weirdest things in the Bible. Yes, believe it or not, there is some really far out stuff in there. I hope you are ready for this.

Ten weirdest things in the Bible

Number 10: King David’s bridal gift to his new wife Michal. 2Samuel 3:14. Yes, that’s right, the foreskins of a hundred guys he killed. Just try to picture her face when she opened that box. “Gee, Davey, this is sweet, but what are they?” Maybe she could make a quilt or something.

Number 9: The most boring sermon ever. Acts 20:7-12 – A guy so bored from Paul’s sermon that he falls asleep. It wouldn’t be so bad except he was sitting on a window sill and fell out the window three stories to his death. Don’t worry, it’s all ok at the end because the Apostle Paul resurrects the guy and everyone is happy. I hope this never happens when I preach. Fortunately, our church only has one floor.

Number 8: Steven Seagal meets the Bible. Judges 15:15. Samson gets in a bind. He is surrounded and can’t find his Glock. So he grabs the nearest thing at hand, the jawbone of an ass and busts open a can of whoop-ass on those thousand Philistines. This is an important story for Junior High ministry because you can say the word ass in church.

Number 7: Balaam’s ass talks to him. Numbers 22:21-30 So, Balaam sitting on his ass and suddenly his ass starts talking to him. He gets upset and starts beating his ass. Yes, that story is in there, and I dare you to try to tell that story to a room full of seventh grade boys while keeping a straight face. OK, so it is a donkey, but the story is still funny and you get to say ass again in church.

Number 6: Drunk and Naked. Genesis 9:20-23 Noah hits the sauce a little hard and passes out naked. You’d think he was at a frat-party. Everything works out, because his son’s find him naked and cover him up. Don’t worry, they walk in backward with a blanket so they don’t see anything.

Number 5: And you think I’m hairy. Genesis 25:25 and Genesis 27:14-16, 22-23. Rebekah conspires with her son Jacob so that he can get his brother Esau’s birthright from his father. Now, Dad can’t see very well, so they make a disguise. She covers Jacob’s neck and hands with goatskin and Dad believes it is Esau and not Jacob, because Esau is just that hairy.

Number 4: A welcome right out of the movie Deliverance and a strange offer to save some strangers. Genesis 19:1-8. Two guys show up in town and all the other guys in town want to have sex with them. “No, they’re my guests,” says Mr. Lot, “but here, you can have my virgin daughters.” Don’t worry, they aren’t interested in the girls, the crowd still wants the two guys. Hmmmmm.

Number 3: Be careful who you make fun of. 2Kings 2:23-24. A bunch of rowdy teenage punks make fun of Elisha the prophet for being bald. (they didn’t have the Hair Club for Men back then). So, he curses them and two bears come out of the woods and maul the teens. That’ll teach those hooligans to stick to making fun of fat people and not bald people.

Number 2: I’m pretty sure I saw this on Jerry Springer. Matthew 14:6-11. King Herod’s young niece dances for him and it pleased him. In case you missed that, it pleased him. Pervert. So, he offers her anything. What does she ask for? A new iPod maybe? No, she wants a dead guy’s head on a silver platter. So, he gives it to her. Hmmmmm. This is gross and weird in soooooo many ways.

Number 1: Ezekiel’s poop cake. Ezekiel 4:9-12. God tells Ezekiel to make a delicious pastry and to bake it over a fire made with dried human excrement. That’s right, a poop cake. Yummy. Now, God is trying to make a point about the people of Israel eating unclean food when they go into exile, but, well….That’s just gross. For the record, Ezekiel talks God into just letting him use cow poop instead of human poop. Much better. This is especially funny because you can buy bread and cereal in the whole foods section of your local grocery store with the brand name Ezekiel 4:9. They leave out the part in 4:12 that mentions poop. I guess it wouldn’t sell as well if people knew about that.

Tomorrow - the Ten Un-Coolest Acts in the Bible.