Ten un-coolest acts in the Bible
It’s day 3 of this 10 day journey through the Top 10 Bible lists. Today, we look at some of the all time uncool acts that occurred in the Bible. This list is ‘R’ rated as is many parts of the Bible. Only proceed if you are old enough and strong enough to handle it.
Number 10: Jacob meets two sisters, Rachel the hottie and Leah, well, not so much a hottie. He works for their dad Laban for 7 years in order to earn the right to marry Rachel. When the wedding is over and he lifts up the veil… Whoops, it is the ugly sister. Laban pulled a switcheroo so he could marry off the older, not so pretty daughter. He then talks Jacob into working another 7 years and this time he gets Rachel too. Then he loves Rachel more than Leah. Harsh all the way around. Genesis 29:16-30
Number 9: Circumcision of Abraham’s household. Abraham comes home and tells all the guys of his family and clan that they have to get circumcised. Everyone from 8 years old to 99 years. Imagine what it would be like to be a 37 year old guy in his family. “you want me to cut what?!?!?!?” I read this and cross my legs. Ouch. Genesis 17:23-27
Number 8: Joseph works hard as a slave in his new land of Egypt. He gets promoted to run his master’s household. He is a fine looking young lad and his master’s wife takes a liking to him and tries to ‘get busy’ with him. He refuses with integrity, but hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, so she accuses him of rape and gets him put in prison. Genesis 39:7-20
Number 9: Abraham marries a real cutie of a wife. When they are traveling, he tells people that she is his sister so they won’t kill him and take her for their own wife. He meets the Pharoah of Egypt and tells him this. Pharoah then takes her as his own anyway and pays off Abraham. Pharaoh gets in trouble with God. Genesis 12:10-20
Number 8: King David has sex with another man’s wife and gets her preggy. Whoops. So, he calls the poor guy back from the army so he will sleep with his wife and then think it is his kid. He won’t sleep with his wife because he believes he should be back in the field at war with the army. So, David sends him back to the front lines with a message. The message says, put this man in the front of the line and then withdraw so he will be killed. That’s right, he carried his own death warrant back to the front. Double Uncool. 2Samuel 11:1-17
Number 7: King David’s son Amnon lusted after his niece Tamar, so he cons her into coming into his room where he rapes her and then puts her out. King David hears about it and is angry, but doesn’t do anything to punish Amnon. Double Uncool again. 2Samuel 13:1-21
Number 6: More Incest right out of Jerry Springer. The church at Corinth had a man who was having sex with dad’s wife. Hmmmm. Even worse, the church was proud that they were so cool and accepting of this. 1Corinthians 5:1-2
Number 5: A man has a girlfriend who travels with him to a new town. Men from the town seize his girlfriend and viciously rape her. The man is so angry when he comes out and finds his girlfriend unconscious that he takes her home and cuts her body up into twelve pieces and sends them all ovedr the country. Judges 19:22-29
Number 4: Exodus 15-19. The Israelites have just been freed from slavery and seen some amazing things from God. So they are happy and praise Him, right?.... Not even a little bit. They spend the whole trip whining and complaining like a bunch of Junior Highers on a road trip, and the first chance they get, they make an idol and sacrifice to it.
Number 3: Job’s wife. All of Job’s children are dead, he has lost all of his wealth and is covered by sores. Miserable time, Huh? So, do you think his wife is supportive? Not even a little bit, she harps on him and nags him and ultimately tells him to curse God and die, just get it over with because she is sick of it all. Job 2:9
Number 2: Jesus betrayed by Judas for 30 pieces of silver. OK, so I understand that Jesus had to die so that he could be resurrected and so he could be the propitiation of sin…, but still. Luke 22:1-6, 47-48
Number 1: The number one uncoolest act in the Bible. Two words… Original Sin. Genesis 3. It doomed the rest of us. I do have to say, it is easy to blame Adam and Eve, but… If God put me in the garden with a Krispey Kreme tree and told me not to touch it, I would be soooooo banished.
Tomorrow: 10 Things in the Bible I wish Christians Would Get Over
OK - Matt pointed out to me that there are 12 things on this list. Ooops. My excuse is that I went to Bible College and math wasn't required. Actually, I wrote this series about a month ago and actually came up with more than ten items for most of the topics and then narrowed it down as I posted them. Somehow, I screwed this one up. Just think, you got 5% more for your money this time.
ReplyDeletewhoohoo! 5% of nothing! Yeah! Anyways, I know all those, except the one about the 12 pieces and not really the Corinthians one... I kind of remember the 12 pieces, but can't remember the full story. I'm not sure if I'm really interested at the moment, though. Maybe tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so was the math error in your comment on your math error intentional or unintentional comedy?
ReplyDeletebesides the 12 instead of 10, 1) you mentioned that Tamar was Amnon's niece, she's actually his half sister.... if Amnon is David's kid, and Absalom (also David's son) gets pissed at Amnon for raping his sister... therefore she is also David's kid.
ReplyDelete2) the Rape in Gibeah... the young man stays at some old dudes house, of whoms concubine gets raped. she is not the young man's girlfriend.
3) Pharoh does not realize sarah is abram's wife when he is afflicted by God. Abram confesses to pharoh that she is his wife, and he gets mad at him for tricking him, but then sends them away.