My Jewish Mother

I am a fraud.

I’m a fake.

A hypocrite.

When I preach on Sunday, you can see it. Be honest. I know you do. When I counsel self-control, I know you have to be questioning the validity of my advice.

I struggle and I cannot seem to control myself. I eat too much. There, I said it. I love food. I love to cook it and love to eat it. I love the sensuality of it. I eat when I am happy, I eat when I am sad. I eat out of frustration and I eat out of boredom. I have no self-control in this area. And thus, I am obese.

I have fought this issue of weight my entire life. I can remember as early as nine or ten years old being called the fat kid. I have dieted and exercised on and off again my entire adult life with limited bouts of success and long periods of complete breakdown. I’ve tried diet plans, exercise regimens, hypnotherapy, counseling, and accountability groups. None of these have had long term success for me and many have been utter failure. I’ve faced disappointment time and time again.

Four years ago, I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes. This is worse than a death sentence. This disease is degenerative and wreaks havoc with your internal systems. Heart attack, kidney failure, liver problems, nerve damage, cancer, neuropathy, digestive issues, blindness, immunodeficiency, and limb amputation are just some of the issues that arise from diabetes.

I don’t want to die from a case of the stupids. Even more importantly, I don’t want to live as a pain-ridden, feeble, invalid for years because I cannot control myself. I have a beautiful wife and two lovely daughters who don’t deserve to watch me destroy myself.

So, here is where I am at today. Just over two years ago, I was at 320 pounds. I managed to lose about 40 pounds of that myself, working out until I reached a plateau that I couldn’t seem to get past. I joined a program called Medifast where I have slowly lost about another 15. This doctor-supervised weight loss program really works. I’ve seen it work in my life and in others, but still I struggle. I don’t follow the program as I should. I cheat.

Several weeks ago, I was speaking with one of the program counselors and she asked me why I was having so much trouble and going so slowly. I listed several reasons (most to do with my own failings), but I also mentioned that when I do well, the counselors are nice and encouraging, and when I fail, they just seem to get more peppy and encouraging. I told her, “I need someone who can kick my butt when needed, someone who will tell my when my excuses are bullshit, someone who can encourage me and love on me when necessary, and someone to guilt me and shame me when it’s called for. In short, I need to find me a Jewish mother.” She looked at me slyly and smiled, saying, “That, we might be able to do.”

The next week when I came in for my appointment, the owner of the company came out and said, “Rodger, you’re with me today.” She met with me and told me that she didn’t want to waste her time or mine, but she was taking me on as a special case. She then got serious and had a long hard discussion with me. Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it. The punch-line to this joke is that I found out that night that Ilyne IS Jewish. And she is a Mother and Grandmother. So I guess I got exactly what I asked for.

So, now I have a Jewish mother. She seems like a nice lady, but, boy is she tough. Maybe she is exactly what I need.

One of the things that she suggested that I do is to tell everyone around me what my struggle is and ask them to help. So, here goes:

Please don’t go out to lunch with me. Let’s do coffee, instead.

Please don’t give me food as a present. Just spend some time with me.

If you see me eating anything that isn’t a small amount of protein and a salad, please say something.

If you care, please ask me about my progress and encourage me when you see me.

Hold me accountable. Smack me around if need be.

I appreciate any help I can get with this.

I don’t want to be a fat guy anymore.

I don’t want to be a fraud anymore.

Ten Ways to Be a Better Cook

I stood at the doorway watching my friend’s mom cook tacos. She rolled up plain hamburger in her hands and then folded a tortilla around that. She laid this in a large pan of cold oil. She then proceeded to make more until the pan was full. Then, she turned on the heat. She invited us to stay for dinner. Thank you, but, “Heck No!!!” I had already eaten her brown spaghetti sauce once before. Yuck.

Everyone should learn how to cook a little, but it always helps to be better. No one wants to eat burned food, bland food, or anything that makes them retch.

I decided to limit my advice to things that I know well. Cooking is a hobby of mine which helps, because so is eating. As a guy, I can say that cooking a fancy meal is a great way to impress a potential lady friend. It worked so well for me, that Becky married me.

1. Knife Safety – Based on recent experience, I had to include this one. Watch this brief 40 second Knife Safety Video to see what I did wrong and learn how to do it right. For the record, I knew how to do this, but I was chiffonading celery leaves and I have yet to figure out how to chiffonade with my fingers tucked under. In any case, Remember the Claw and you won’t cut yourself. Also, please sharpen your knife every time you use it. Dull knives are more dangerous.
2. Follow the Recipe the First Time – When cooking any dish for the first time, follow a trusted recipe. Then, once you know that it works, then you can start to change it up and add different ingredients to make the recipe your own.
3. Try New Spices – Go to the store and check out the spices and herbs. Pick one that looks interesting and then find a recipe that uses it online. Smell the spice and taste a bit of it. Wait till you get home to do this as the store personnel will frown upon you doing it there. If you have a local herb shop, stop in there and find one you like to try. They don’t mind you smelling the herbs there.
4. Share Recipes – If you are at a party or a restaurant where you like a specific dish, ask for the recipe. Some people don’t like to share ,but many are flattered and will gladly share. I love to share my recipes, so don’t be afraid to ask if you like something of mine.
5. Taste it, Taste it, Taste it – Flavor is important. Taste your food throughout the cooking process to be sure that the flavor and texture are right. Adjust as you go. A warning here, don’t taste raw meat, raw eggs, or cayenne pepper. Another note, if you are using cayenne peppers, be sure to wash your hands before going to the bathroom. I won’t tell you how I know this, but trust me.
6. Season It – Add seasonings to your water, to your flour, to your eggs. Get the herbs and seasonings inside the food and not just sprinkled on top. To quote Emerile Legasse, “I don’t know where you’re getting your water from, but mine don’t come seasoned.” Of course, if you drink well water in West Virginia, there is already flavor in there. No me gusta.
7. Get Fresh – Use fresh ingredients whenever possible. This is especially true of herbs and seasonings. If you must use dried, buy your spices in small amounts and use them up quickly. They lose their flavor after awhile. Fish is another thing that I must be fresh. Buy your salmon or tilapia the day you are going to cook it. A side note, this applies to milk too. If you pour your milk out and it has chunks….It’s probably not fresh. ewwww.
8. Vary Textures – Dice things small or chop them larger. Try julienne. Use different pastas like orecciette or orzo. Change up the usual textures to bring new interest to your food. Colors and flavors can be varied too, such as mango salsa, or confetti rice.
9. Start With What You Know Then Get Creative – Practice some favorite dishes. Get to know mashed potatoes, pancakes, and casseroles. Then, when you are comfortable with these, begin to get creative. Try celery root, lychee fruit, kiwiano, roquefort, uni, mollejas, bhut jolokia or really gross stuff like broccoli.
10. Have a Signature – Pick a dish and be the best at making it. For example, I have the best Chili recipe that exists in the Northern Hemisphere. I also have a great recipe for Baked Beans and Chicken Cordon Bleu. I know that I can make these and they will be a hit. Other people ask me to make them for events. That is a signature dish. A piece of advice – your signature dish shouldn’t be anything too weird. You can bring that Gizzards Fried in Kidney Fat with Okra and Melted Limburger Flambe, but nobody’s going to eat it.

Cooking is a fun pastime and you get to eat your mistakes. What a gig. Let me know if you have a favorite cooking tip or recipe. Have fun and cook safely.

This post is number 8 in a series of 10 Top Ten Lists on improving yourself. This series will be posted daily.

Tomorrow: Ten Ways to Be a Better Shooter.

Haggis, It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Because I wear kilts, the people around me sometimes send me Scottish paraphenalia. (For the record, I am of predominantly German heritage and have no Scots in me that I am aware of).

If you want to know more about kilts, you can read my archive blog: http://rodg3r.blogspot.com/2009/05/kilts.html.

Anyway, today, I came in to work and found a recipe for Haggis on my desk. Now, I've had haggis, and it isn't bad. Can't say it's that good either. It's basically a large boiled sausage that really needs some gravy or ketchup on it.

Interestingly enough, the Scottish Haggis eating champion, says that the worst thing about winning a haggis eating contest is the retching afterward.

With that said, I have included a traditional haggis recipe below, along with an American version which is actually pretty good and is a little like meatloaf. The American version uses a loaf pan instead of a sheep stomach as it tends to be a little hard to locate sheeps stomachs in the U.S.A.

Traditional Scottish Haggis Recipe

2 lbs. dry oatmeal
1 lb. chopped mutton suet (the hard fat around the kidneys)
1 venison or sheep liver, boiled and minced
sheep heart and lungs, boiled and minced
sheep kidney, boiled and minced
2 hen’s eggs
1 large chopped onion
1 cleaned sheep or lamb's stomach bag
1 ½ cup beef or lamb stock cooled
1/2 tsp. allspice
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. pepper

Toast oatmeal in iron pan slowly until crisp. Mix oatmeal, liver, heart, lungs, kidney, suet, onion and spices together in a large bowl. Add eggs and stock and mix with hands till it holds together. Ladle mixture into stomach bag until mostly full. Press down as you go to remove any air. Sew the stomach up to create a large sausage. Prick this several times with a fork to prevent it from bursting as it cooks. Place the haggis into boiling water and cook for four to five ours. Serve on a bed of boiled cabbage with a side of fried turnips and potatoes. Enjoy a glass of scotch on the side.

American Haggis

4 cups Quaker Oats
1 pound of bacon diced
1 calf liver diced
1 pound ground lamb
1 pound ground beef hamburger
1 pound spicy Italian sausage, chorizo, or other spicy pork sausage

1 large chopped onion

2-3 large eggs
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
½ teaspoon sage
½ teaspoon allspice
½ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon pepper

In a deep pot, fry bacon until just done, you want it loose and springy with the fat still on it and not crispy. Drain off most of the bacon grease and set it aside in reserve, leaving a little in the pan. Pour oats in pot and brown them carefully, turning often. Remove oats from pot. Return remaining bacon grease to pot and brown onions. Add calf liver ground beef, hamburger, sausage, cooked bacon and spices and cook until meat is just cooked, but not brown. Remove mixture from pan and let it cool completely.

Mix meat mixture, oatmeal, and eggs in large bowl until stiff enough to hold together. Use your hands to form into a sausage shape. Spray a loaf pan with cooking spray oil and place the sausage in loaf pan. Bake for 30 – 45 minutes until crispy on top and heated all through. Slice and serve with fried potatoes.