Ten Ways To Be A Better Parent + A Bonus

Parenting is the hardest job you’ll ever love. Good parenting can be very difficult. It can be enjoyable too. Having worked in youth ministry for over twelve years, I have observed some parenting techniques that seem to work well and many others that are destructive.

The hardest part about parenting is, that no matter how many right things you do, you are still dealing with another human being who will ultimately make their own choices. Even the best parents sometimes end up with black sheep. With that said, there are some better practices that make this less likely and other practices that make it more likely.

1. Consistency, Consistency, Consistency – This is extremely important. If there are two parents in the home, they need to set similar boundaries and agree on punishments and rewards. Whether you are a single parent or married, you need to individually keep boundary lines steady for your child. If you are constantly changing things or if both parents disagree and have different boundaries, your child will be unsure, lack confidence, or worse, they will learn how to manipulate the situation. Did I mention, Consistency?
2. Keep Balance – No, this has nothing to do with a tight rope and a unicycle. But, this is probably the single worst behavior that I see across the continuum of parenting today: parents who allow their children to overload their lives with busy-ness. Soccer games are followed by swimming followed by volleyball followed by dance followed by student government followed by gymnastics followed by baseball followed by club after club after club. Any one of these can be a wonderful way for your child to improve themselves; all of them together will not be. Encourage your child to pick one physical, one mental, and one spiritual thing to focus on. This is the three legged stool pictured above. You cannot have balance if you take legs away. Also, encourage them to spend some time in solitude once in awhile. As a parent, you have to set the example, too. Focus on your priorities and don’t try to do everything. This will improve the lives of the entire family because you won’t be rushing everywhere all the time.
3. You Are Not Their BFF – You are not your child’s friend. I’m sorry to say that, but it is true. You are their parent. That is not to say that you cannot have a close relationship, but when the chips are down, kids do not need another friend, they need a steady, strong, dependable adult. You have to make the hard decisions some times, set boundaries, have rules, and administer punishments. Don’t just assume that “they’ll do it anyway” when it comes to disobedience, alcohol, drugs, or any other bad or dangerous behavior. Decide what is acceptable and what is not. Guard their safety and communicate right and wrong to them. It may be rough, they may be angry at you, but ultimately they will be better for it.
4. Let Them Grow Up – You are not raising a child, You are raising an adult. Always keep in mind that you are trying to raise a person to be an effective, balanced adult who can make decisions and take care of themselves in the world. This means that you have to let them fail and learn to pick themselves up. You have to let them learn some hard lessons in life. You cannot shelter them completely from this. Your job is to maintain a tension between protecting them in an age appropriate way, and letting them step out with greater and greater responsibility and privileges. This is probably the hardest part of parenting.
5. Land the Helicopter – Please don’t hover over your kids constantly. Be involved in their lives, but don’t be there correcting every mistake they might make trying to guide every single decision in their lives. Teach them and then let them go out into the world a little bit at a time. You don’t want to still be making choices for your child when they are thirty, and you definitely don’t want to be changing diapers then.
6. Do As I Say AND As I Do – Kids see what you do and imitate that. It’s kind of scary when you experience this as a parent. I was driving with my daughter one time and someone cut me off. My daughter said from the back seat, “That guy was a clown, wasn’t he, daddy.” Evidently, she had heard me call another driver a clown for bad driving and now repeated it. It made me glad that I didn’t call him anything worse. If you want a child who is honest, don’t lie. If you want a child who respects others, don’t berate a waitress for making a mistake on your order. If you want a child who goes to church, you have to wake up and go too. If you drop an f-bomb in front of your child, you will hear it back someday.
7. Look Ahead – Don’t wait for your child to get into trouble, plan ahead. If your daughter is already pregnant at fourteen, it's too late to discuss sex with her. If you sit down and think about it, you know what stage is coming up next in their life, and you can plan how to deal with situations. When will you allow them to date alone? When will she be allowed to wear makeup? Is he really ready to have a cell phone yet? What will be acceptable driving, and what get’s the car taken away? Is it acceptable to wear kilts? Talk these ahead of time and then communicate with your child.
8. Family Time – Pick a night. Turn off the television. Turn off the phones. Don’t schedule anything else. Eat dinner together. Play a game. Talk. Ask about their day, and listen. Look through old family photo albums. Shoot some hoops together. Go camping. You may see them roll their eyes, but if you make it a regular habit, they will appreciate it. And, years later, these will be the things they remember fondly, and maybe they’ll spend some time with you by choice when you have an empty nest.
9. Don’t forget the spiritual side – One of the worst statements that I have ever heard someone say is, “I don’t think I should force morals on my child, I’ll just wait till they are old enough to decide on their own.” I have heard some version of this statement from dozens of people. Yes, religion is a personal thing. Yes, there are many spiritual choices out there. But, that doesn’t mean that it is unimportant. In fact, not making this a priority leaves your child open to many dangerous choices. The simple truth is this, your child WILL make their own choice someday anyway. Even if you raise them in church, they will someday choose for themselves. But, while they are with you, it is your responsibility to give them a healthy moral and spiritual foundation that they can build on. Consider it this way, you wouldn’t leave your toddler in a room full of knives, burning candles, and open bottles of poison. Why then would you let your child go out in a world full of dangerous messages without giving them some guidance.
10. Reward Right Behavior – Please don’t make your parenting methods based solely on punishment. When your child makes a good choice, encourage that. Help them to know that there are rewards in life for doing good as well as punishment for doing bad things. This can be a very powerful way to help them to choose right from wrong.
11. Failure is OK – Yes, you heard that right. It is OK to fail. In fact, it can be the best thing to happen to your child. I find it exasperating that children’s sports are now setup so everyone wins. Games at my daughter’s schools are this way. We have had kids in our youth group in school programs where no one gets an F. Everything is positive and everyone is happy. We wouldn’t want to accidentally damage their poor little self-esteem. If you don’t fail, how can you ever realize that you need to improve? What impetus is there to strive if there is no pain from failure? This unhealthy concept does nothing to prepare your child to grow up in the real world where they will lose their job if they don’t make enough sales, where they will have to compete for job interviews, where they will have to earn their own way. Don’t protect your child from failure. Help them learn to pick themselves. Teach them how to evaluate the reasons for their failure and decide if this is what they need be doing. Help them learn how to strive for goals and how to respect themselves if they gave it all they had and still weren’t the best.

Yes, I know that's eleven annd not ten, but if you have read my blog before, you know I don't like to be bound by such silly superstitions as math. I cannot guarantee that these ideas will make you a perfect parent, but they can you a better one. As always, I invite you, as the reader to contribute your own ideas in comments.

This post is Number 4 in a series of Ten Top Ten Lists on improving yourself. This series will be posted daily.

Tomorrow: Ten Ways to Be a Better Employee

BONUS:

This Top 10 article has a bonus: 10 things that don’t work in parenting:

1. Too Much Time At Work – Some parents (especially men) believe that parents should provide everything a child might want. Often they say things like, “I just want to give them what I didn’t have when I was a kid.” Then, the parent works long hours to provide the funds to make this happen, in the interim, missing out on their child’s day-to-day life. Your entire family will do much better if you adjust your priorities, do without some luxuries, and spend that extra time together.
2. Telling Them They Aren’t Good Enough – Few parents actually come out and say this, but the message becomes loud and clear when the child comes home with a B and is told they could have had an A if they tried harder. Parents often drive their kids to be the best in school, the best in sports, the best in all they do. A healthier way is to encourage them to be the best they can be in their own strengths and weaknesses. If your child struggles with Math and brings home a B, rejoice. If they are excellent at Math, then encourage them to apply themselves more. Let them know that, if they work at something and do well, that is enough. They don’t have to be the best at everything.
3. Raising False Hopes – This is the other end of the spectrum from the previous one. Parent’s sometimes give their kids too much encouragement. The simple truth is, not everyone can be a professional basketball player. If your child is the shortest in class and clumsy, they probably won’t ever play pro-ball. Encourage them to play for fun. If your child sings like a frog and they aren’t selected for choir, don’t tell that they are the best singer and the Director made a mistake. Help them (in a balanced way) to understand their strengths and build on those.
4. Rigidity – No one likes to live in a dictatorship of absolutes. As a parent, you have to be flexible at times. Give a little, once in awhile. This is not to say that you shouldn’t be consistent, but gentle consistency is much better than rigid, by-the-book domination. Also, consider the realities of each child and tailor your parenting somewhat to each. As a child, I was an introvert who could spend all day reading by myself. Time-outs just wouldn’t work for me. Even if you took my book away, I was fine just being inside my own head. My wife, however, was very social, so a time out was definitely a punishment to her.
5. Punishments That Don’t Fit the Crime – Overly broad punishments or punishments that have nothing to do with the crime don’t help the child learn. The best thing parents can do is to send the child to their room and discuss the gravity, the scope, and the method of punishment. If your 9 year old lies to you about taking a cookie from the cookie jar, taking their allowance away has no connection. However, having them write 100 times, “Lying makes people not trust me” and restricting them from cookies for a week has a direct connection that will leave an impression.
6. Letting Them Grow Up Too Fast – This is very important. I hate shopping with my daughter now. The stores sell sexy clothes to 8-9 year old girls. I hate to see parents who allow their pre-teen to dress in clothing that looks like it belongs on a stripper. Movies and video games are the same way. A child’s mind cannot process certain ideas until their brains develop that area. Your twelve year old should not be watching the movie, “Saw.” An eight year old has no business playing a video game where you shoot prostitutes. You don’t have to completely shelter them, but, you do need to use wisdom in what you expose them to and at what age they are exposed to it.
7. Sheltering Them Too Much – This is another one of those tension things. You can’t protect them from everything. They do have to grow up sometime and realize that there are bad people in the world.
8. Public Punishment – Please don’t punish your children in front of other people, especially their peers. Punishment should be limited to the family and take place in a situation where reasons can be discussed. Also, on this subject, talk about punishments with your kids to make sure they understand the reasons, and how to make better choices in the future. Finally, when the punishment is done, let it be done. Don’t keep bringing the issue up again and again in the future (unless the child keeps making the same mistake).
9. Living Vicariously Through Your Kids – So you were the star football player and helped win the game against Podunk High 20 years ago. Don’t pressure your child to be a football star. Big Deal, you wanted to be a professional piano player, but your hands weren’t big enough. Please don’t force your kids into 18 years of piano lessons. Allow your kids to be who they want to be. Allow them to enjoy their own likes and dislikes. Feel free to tell them long boring stories about your childhood, just don’t try to make them into your image.
10. Divorce – OK, it’s a modern world, and you’re in charge of your own life. I get that. But, what hurts kids the most is when adults are more childish than they are. Except in cases of abuse, divorce is very hurtful for children. A recent study showed that children who were part of a divorce situations still had problems 25 years later. What’s worse, if parents are bickering, using the kids as pawns in their battles, or tearing down the other parent in front of the children; the damage is much worse. I have two words, GROW and UP!!! If you aren’t divorced, but have marital problems, get help. Please. Find a marriage counselor, join a married couples support group, talk to clergy. Repairing your marriage is the best gift you could give your children. If you are divorced, at least play nice in front of your kids. And, as a side note, if you are a single parent, do NOT date in front of your kids. Wait until you and the other person are seriously considering marriage to begin introducing them. Bringing a parade of boyfriends or girlfriends in and out of your child’s life is very scarring to them.