Ten Ways to Be a Better Dictator

I’ve always wanted to rule the world. I’m pretty sure I could do a better job of it than any of the existing people. I would be a benevolent dictator to all who adore me. This effort will take time, but any thing worth doing is worth doing well.

Here are ten great ideas on accomplishing my goal of world domination.

(NOTE – JUST IN CASE YOU CAN’T TELL, THIS IS TONGUE-IN-CHEEK AND JUST BEING SILLY)

Ten Ways to Be a Better Dictator:

1. Good Propaganda Machine – Every great dictator started as a revolutionary. As a revolutionary, your only power is in propaganda, so make it count. Use the most current technology and lots of slick, glossy marketing. Have a good tagline that doesn’t really mean anything, but sounds good.
2. Have a Solid Team of Power Hungry Toadies – Someone’s gotta do all that paperwork. If you’re gonna be a dictator, what fun is it if you have to stay in the office all day running things. Since you rule the world, you can just pop over to your vacation home in Hawaii and let a few toadies do the hard stuff. Sycophants can be really useful for drudge work.
3. Purge Regularly – Now, this is the hard part. You have to clear out your staff occasionally, because they will become too powerful otherwise. You can shoot a few if you want, but the best idea is to send them to “Re-education Camps” in some awful part of the world like Siberia or New Jersey.
4. Crush Opposition – This is another ugly part, but must be done. Shooting people is messy, so you need to get yourself a team of people who attack the opposition by researching their past and questioning their character. If nothing is there, of course this team will make something up. You can also use your propaganda machine to point out that you are all about helping the little guy, therefore your opposition must hate the little guy. This helps get all those little guys on your side.
5. Promise People Anything – Those little guys I just mentioned aren’t very powerful, but there are a lot of them, so you have to treat them right. Since they are mostly stupid anyway and will vote for anyone who promises them something, without actually thinking it through, just promise them anything and they’ll support you.
6. Charisma, Charisma, Charisma – Get a good makeover. Have people teach you the best public speaking, get experts to help you have the best hair and body you can. Smile a lot and say things that don’t mean anything but sound good.
7. Control the Argument – Since all those little guys don’t think through their vote anyway, you can just tell them how they should vote. Don’t give them all the facts, it’ll just confuse them. Couch everything in the best jingoistic patriotic terms and help them to feel good because, by supporting you, you’ll give them everything they want (see # 5 above).
8. Control the Media – Make friends with all kinds of famous people. They’re mostly stupid too, so just tell them that they are pretty and invite them to parties where they will rub shoulders with other famous people. Have them help you in some silly cause that sounds good but doesn’t really accomplish anything, like “Save the Broccoli,” or “Ban Dihydrogen Oxide.” Invite the newspapers and television people too so they’ll be on board and never question your methods where the little people might find out.
9. Have the Look – You have to have a signature. Maybe a beret, or a good cigar. The little mustache thing has been done, but find something that will be your signature so people will think you are cool and try to emulate you.
10. Learn From the Past – all the best dicators have made mistakes, so you need to learn from them so you won’t fail too. Here are a few that might he

• Don’t attack Russia in winter. This is one mistake dictators keep making over and over. I’m not quite sure what anyone wants with Russia anyway.
• Don’t shoot all the intelligent people. Somebody has to get things done.
• Don’t shoot all the farmers. Someone has to grow the food.
• Don’t shoot all your best generals in the middle of a war. Duh.
• Don’t attack America militarily. Just offer them free stuff and they’ll vote themselves into a dictatorship. Don’t tell them that they are really the ones paying for the ‘free stuff’.
• Don’t bother attacking the French. Save them for last and they’ll just surrender anyway.

Thank you for reading my Top Ten lists. I hope you’ll vote for me in the next election. If not, you may be sent to a re-education camp. You can call me, “Señor Presidente.” And I shall call you my people.