Pride and Prejudice

I am a racist and very prejudiced; I hate people who are different from me.  At least, that’s what the writer of a recent email accused me of.  He was kind about it, suggesting it in an oblique way, couching it in the nicest terms possible; but it sure didn’t feel very nice.  I was so hurt and angry, that I had to kick in my personal safety rule about email.  Never respond by email when you are mad.  It actually took me four attempts at re-writing my response, in order to calm down and be a peacemaker instead of firing back an accusatory and sarcastic response in the same character as his original email.

The story behind it is very long, but the short version is that we disagreed on how to help the homeless.  Our church and several other churches, charities, and ministries were asked by the Phoenix Police to assist them by feeding the homeless at a different location than the city park.  The location is a short walk away from the park, has a gymnasium and kitchen and helps resolve issues of the neighborhood families who would like to take their kids to the park without having to see people defecating near their picnic (actual event) or having pedophiles preying on their kids (two actual events).  The homeless are still allowed to use the park, they just cannot camp there and the many groups who feed them are asked to move to this ministry other location that is a mile away.  We agreed to work with the police and the neighborhoods, this other group did not.  We are still feeding the homeless and, what’s more, helping some to get off the street, into housing, and back to work (4 in the last month).  Even cooler, we are able to get dozens of ministries and charities to work together, pooling our resources and thus doing more than any one of us could alone.

I offered to meet with the fellow who emailed me and talk.  I offered to listen and provide answers if he needed.  I thought that perhaps he misunderstood.  He wasn’t interested in talking with someone he doesn’t agree with.  He missed the irony of his own email, as much of his problem was based on his own prejudiced assumptions about me that he never bothered to clarify.

I have a friend on Facebook who likes to spout strong opinions on political issues.  (actually, I have several like that).  This one, in particular, regularly reposted half-truths about the opposing party, internet rumors, and false statistics to back up his point.  I used to post responses to his comments on a regular basis, asking questions, positing a different point-of-view, or posting links to Snopes.com and factcheck.org when he posted things that were internet hoaxes, or I would post links to surveys which might dispute or clarify what he is saying.  He privately messaged me and asked me to no longer do this because he didn’t appreciate how I made him look bad.  I think that I have to give him some props for being intellectually honest about his intellectual dishonesty. 

In both of these cases, the issue at hand was pride.  Neither one of them could conceive that there might be another way, therefore, the problem was me – not them.

I have a friend who is transgender.  We correspond on social media and meet for coffee every couple of months to talk.  I try to listen and understand.  I have to be completely honest here – I don’t really understand.  I have no frame of reference on the struggle; it’s not mine.  Because I have known him longer than her, pronouns can be a struggle.  But, I listen.  I ask questions.  I seek understanding.

I have friends who are far-right conservatives.  I don’t agree with them on many issues, most especially immigration, government regulation, and the way we treat this planet.  I believe they’ve got some things right, especially that we need to respect and protect small businesses, those ‘rich’ people who provide most of the jobs in the U.S.  Even though we disagree, I love discussions with them, because I can learn something, and hopefully they can too.

I have friends who are far-left liberals.  I don’t agree with them on many issues, most especially the idea that it’s OK to steal from someone who has more than you do, that bigger government is the solution to all our problems, or that some groups of people still require special rights that others don’t receive. I do believe they get it right when they suggests that we need to protect our lands from pollution and when they want to help those in need.  Even though we disagree on some things, I love discussions with them too. 

I am an unabashed Christian.  I believe that Christ offers us the only hope of salvation in this world.  With that said, I have friends who are Jewish, friends who are Buddhist, friends who are atheist, and some friends who just don’t know.  Religious discussions are some of my favorite, because there are so many ideas to discuss.

None of these conversations are comfortable.  Some, in fact, get down-right uncomfortable.  Years ago, I read that our brain views attacks on our ideas by releasing the same hormones that a physical attack on our bodies causes.  We go into a similar fight or flight mode from ideas, just as we would if a guy in a hockey mask was chasing us with a chainsaw.  It’s no wonder things get uncomfortable, but who promised a life of comfort?  When the only point of view you can see is your own, it’s like placing a mirror between you and other people.  They are there, but you no longer can see them.

I am not a fence-sitter when it comes to ideas.  I have opinions, and they have generally been shaped through much thought.  I’m not always right on everthing, but hey, I’m not always wrong either.  I believe the Socratic idea that the unexamined life is not worth living.  Thus, some of my opinions have changed over years, often as a result of a healthy discussion.  Politically, I have been a registered democrat, a registered republican, and now a registered independent.  Spiritually, I have been an anti-Christian agnostic and now am a Christian pastor.  Live and learn.  Part of this growth has come from people challenging my ideas.

We have to have people who disagree with us in order to become whole people ourselves.

We need opposing ideas to keep healthy points of view. 

We must recognize that few things are truly black and white and truth is usually found somewhere in the grey middle ground.

Unfortunately, these things are harder and harder to get.  Social media, email, and other technology has made it possible to surround ourselves with homogenous points-of-view.  Facebook and Google both shift their search results and advertising based on things you have commented on, people you are connected to, and things you have previously searched for.  This can be a wonderful help when you are using the internet as it makes it faster and easier to find things that interest you. 

But, it is also a bad thing as it begins to sift out any ideas that disagree with you.  If you regularly post from the Huffington Post, you will no longer see any results, events, or advertising that suggests Republican ideas.  If you regularly disagree with President Obama, you will stop seeing any information about Democratic themes.  As a Christian, these sites filter out anything that might challenge my beliefs.  For some of people, that may sound like a good thing.  Unfortunately, causes increased partisanship and distills people to extemism.  We demonize other points of view to the point that we no longer see them as people, but as the enemy.  Just read the comments on any blog post related to political or religious ideas.  Most of those commentors no longer see the other side as humans, just as a problem to be resolved.

Just as a your average mutt of a dog is generally less susceptible to genetic diseases than a purebred, the distillation of ideas makes us unhealthy as a people and more susceptible to bad ideas and to violent disagreements, up to and including civil war.

We need people who think, believe, and look different from us.  We must share ideas, discuss concepts, and seek to bridge our divisions.  We must let down our walls of pride and separatism.  We must allow ourselves to ask the question, “What if I am wrong?”  Maybe, just maybe, the other person can help you grow while you, at the same time, challenge them to growth.  The simple truth is that we aren't always going to agree, and that is a good thing.  But we must find a way to listen to each other, to take the best ideas, and to give a little and get a little.

Let me just offer a caveat.  I once was arranging to meet an old friend who I hadn’t seen in two decades.  He noticed that I was a pastor and said that he wasn’t interested in having someone shove their religious ideas down his throat because he is open-minded and believes x, y, and z.  There was a certain irony to his statement, as well as an implied insult, but I replied to him saying, “Open-minded does not mean empty-minded.”  I was just hoping to catch up with an old friend; I wasn’t bringing a proselytizing agenda.  I did tell him, that he was welcome to leave religious discussion completely off the table, but if he wanted to talk about it, then I would be more than willing to meet challenge with challenge.  When you have a discussion with someone who is challenging your ideas, it is perfectly acceptable to politely challenge them back. 

Let’s do this thing.  If you have read this far, take this dare yourself.  Seek out someone you would normally disagree with.  Take them out for coffee and listen.  Don’t go in with a bad attitude, but a welcoming one.  Consider what truth they might have in their ideas.  Open your mind and think the issues through from their point-of-view.  Consider how to build bridges, and offer serious but polite challenges back at them.  In the end, you may still hold to a set of principles, but you might just find that your hard-line ideas are tempered by the recognition that the side has a valid point or two and that the other person is just that, a person.

Humanity would be much healthier if we could lose a lot of our pride.  We might just find that we change our prejudices.

P.S. – This is a good time to renew my ongoing offer.  If you want to have a discussion on an issue, if you have questions about my beliefs (or your beliefs for that matter), if you just want to share your story, then I invite you to join me for a cup of coffee and conversation.  Just click the Free Cup of Coffee link on the right side of the page and I’ll be glad to meet you somewhere in the valley of the sun (sorry if you are out of state, but you gotta meet me in the vicinity of Phoenix, AZ).  I’ll even buy the first cup.