Pride and Prejudice

I am a racist and very prejudiced; I hate people who are different from me.  At least, that’s what the writer of a recent email accused me of.  He was kind about it, suggesting it in an oblique way, couching it in the nicest terms possible; but it sure didn’t feel very nice.  I was so hurt and angry, that I had to kick in my personal safety rule about email.  Never respond by email when you are mad.  It actually took me four attempts at re-writing my response, in order to calm down and be a peacemaker instead of firing back an accusatory and sarcastic response in the same character as his original email.

The story behind it is very long, but the short version is that we disagreed on how to help the homeless.  Our church and several other churches, charities, and ministries were asked by the Phoenix Police to assist them by feeding the homeless at a different location than the city park.  The location is a short walk away from the park, has a gymnasium and kitchen and helps resolve issues of the neighborhood families who would like to take their kids to the park without having to see people defecating near their picnic (actual event) or having pedophiles preying on their kids (two actual events).  The homeless are still allowed to use the park, they just cannot camp there and the many groups who feed them are asked to move to this ministry other location that is a mile away.  We agreed to work with the police and the neighborhoods, this other group did not.  We are still feeding the homeless and, what’s more, helping some to get off the street, into housing, and back to work (4 in the last month).  Even cooler, we are able to get dozens of ministries and charities to work together, pooling our resources and thus doing more than any one of us could alone.

I offered to meet with the fellow who emailed me and talk.  I offered to listen and provide answers if he needed.  I thought that perhaps he misunderstood.  He wasn’t interested in talking with someone he doesn’t agree with.  He missed the irony of his own email, as much of his problem was based on his own prejudiced assumptions about me that he never bothered to clarify.

I have a friend on Facebook who likes to spout strong opinions on political issues.  (actually, I have several like that).  This one, in particular, regularly reposted half-truths about the opposing party, internet rumors, and false statistics to back up his point.  I used to post responses to his comments on a regular basis, asking questions, positing a different point-of-view, or posting links to Snopes.com and factcheck.org when he posted things that were internet hoaxes, or I would post links to surveys which might dispute or clarify what he is saying.  He privately messaged me and asked me to no longer do this because he didn’t appreciate how I made him look bad.  I think that I have to give him some props for being intellectually honest about his intellectual dishonesty. 

In both of these cases, the issue at hand was pride.  Neither one of them could conceive that there might be another way, therefore, the problem was me – not them.

I have a friend who is transgender.  We correspond on social media and meet for coffee every couple of months to talk.  I try to listen and understand.  I have to be completely honest here – I don’t really understand.  I have no frame of reference on the struggle; it’s not mine.  Because I have known him longer than her, pronouns can be a struggle.  But, I listen.  I ask questions.  I seek understanding.

I have friends who are far-right conservatives.  I don’t agree with them on many issues, most especially immigration, government regulation, and the way we treat this planet.  I believe they’ve got some things right, especially that we need to respect and protect small businesses, those ‘rich’ people who provide most of the jobs in the U.S.  Even though we disagree, I love discussions with them, because I can learn something, and hopefully they can too.

I have friends who are far-left liberals.  I don’t agree with them on many issues, most especially the idea that it’s OK to steal from someone who has more than you do, that bigger government is the solution to all our problems, or that some groups of people still require special rights that others don’t receive. I do believe they get it right when they suggests that we need to protect our lands from pollution and when they want to help those in need.  Even though we disagree on some things, I love discussions with them too. 

I am an unabashed Christian.  I believe that Christ offers us the only hope of salvation in this world.  With that said, I have friends who are Jewish, friends who are Buddhist, friends who are atheist, and some friends who just don’t know.  Religious discussions are some of my favorite, because there are so many ideas to discuss.

None of these conversations are comfortable.  Some, in fact, get down-right uncomfortable.  Years ago, I read that our brain views attacks on our ideas by releasing the same hormones that a physical attack on our bodies causes.  We go into a similar fight or flight mode from ideas, just as we would if a guy in a hockey mask was chasing us with a chainsaw.  It’s no wonder things get uncomfortable, but who promised a life of comfort?  When the only point of view you can see is your own, it’s like placing a mirror between you and other people.  They are there, but you no longer can see them.

I am not a fence-sitter when it comes to ideas.  I have opinions, and they have generally been shaped through much thought.  I’m not always right on everthing, but hey, I’m not always wrong either.  I believe the Socratic idea that the unexamined life is not worth living.  Thus, some of my opinions have changed over years, often as a result of a healthy discussion.  Politically, I have been a registered democrat, a registered republican, and now a registered independent.  Spiritually, I have been an anti-Christian agnostic and now am a Christian pastor.  Live and learn.  Part of this growth has come from people challenging my ideas.

We have to have people who disagree with us in order to become whole people ourselves.

We need opposing ideas to keep healthy points of view. 

We must recognize that few things are truly black and white and truth is usually found somewhere in the grey middle ground.

Unfortunately, these things are harder and harder to get.  Social media, email, and other technology has made it possible to surround ourselves with homogenous points-of-view.  Facebook and Google both shift their search results and advertising based on things you have commented on, people you are connected to, and things you have previously searched for.  This can be a wonderful help when you are using the internet as it makes it faster and easier to find things that interest you. 

But, it is also a bad thing as it begins to sift out any ideas that disagree with you.  If you regularly post from the Huffington Post, you will no longer see any results, events, or advertising that suggests Republican ideas.  If you regularly disagree with President Obama, you will stop seeing any information about Democratic themes.  As a Christian, these sites filter out anything that might challenge my beliefs.  For some of people, that may sound like a good thing.  Unfortunately, causes increased partisanship and distills people to extemism.  We demonize other points of view to the point that we no longer see them as people, but as the enemy.  Just read the comments on any blog post related to political or religious ideas.  Most of those commentors no longer see the other side as humans, just as a problem to be resolved.

Just as a your average mutt of a dog is generally less susceptible to genetic diseases than a purebred, the distillation of ideas makes us unhealthy as a people and more susceptible to bad ideas and to violent disagreements, up to and including civil war.

We need people who think, believe, and look different from us.  We must share ideas, discuss concepts, and seek to bridge our divisions.  We must let down our walls of pride and separatism.  We must allow ourselves to ask the question, “What if I am wrong?”  Maybe, just maybe, the other person can help you grow while you, at the same time, challenge them to growth.  The simple truth is that we aren't always going to agree, and that is a good thing.  But we must find a way to listen to each other, to take the best ideas, and to give a little and get a little.

Let me just offer a caveat.  I once was arranging to meet an old friend who I hadn’t seen in two decades.  He noticed that I was a pastor and said that he wasn’t interested in having someone shove their religious ideas down his throat because he is open-minded and believes x, y, and z.  There was a certain irony to his statement, as well as an implied insult, but I replied to him saying, “Open-minded does not mean empty-minded.”  I was just hoping to catch up with an old friend; I wasn’t bringing a proselytizing agenda.  I did tell him, that he was welcome to leave religious discussion completely off the table, but if he wanted to talk about it, then I would be more than willing to meet challenge with challenge.  When you have a discussion with someone who is challenging your ideas, it is perfectly acceptable to politely challenge them back. 

Let’s do this thing.  If you have read this far, take this dare yourself.  Seek out someone you would normally disagree with.  Take them out for coffee and listen.  Don’t go in with a bad attitude, but a welcoming one.  Consider what truth they might have in their ideas.  Open your mind and think the issues through from their point-of-view.  Consider how to build bridges, and offer serious but polite challenges back at them.  In the end, you may still hold to a set of principles, but you might just find that your hard-line ideas are tempered by the recognition that the side has a valid point or two and that the other person is just that, a person.

Humanity would be much healthier if we could lose a lot of our pride.  We might just find that we change our prejudices.

P.S. – This is a good time to renew my ongoing offer.  If you want to have a discussion on an issue, if you have questions about my beliefs (or your beliefs for that matter), if you just want to share your story, then I invite you to join me for a cup of coffee and conversation.  Just click the Free Cup of Coffee link on the right side of the page and I’ll be glad to meet you somewhere in the valley of the sun (sorry if you are out of state, but you gotta meet me in the vicinity of Phoenix, AZ).  I’ll even buy the first cup.

John

“What is this generation going to do?” asked John, as he stood in the doorway of my office, “How are they ever going to survive this economy?”  John is an older man who lives around the corner from the church.  He stops in my office about once a month for a short conversation.  That’s a joke, because, if you knew John, you’d know that there’s no such thing as a short conversation when he comes around.  He’s been retired for a lot of years and forgets that not everyone has as much free time as he does.  Sometimes I groan inwardly when I see him come in, because I know I have to stop what I’m doing for a half hour, but in the end, I generally enjoy our conversations.  He has seen a lot of things in 80 plus years of life and, I have learned that if you ask the right questions, he always has an interesting story.

I can’t call John an old man, because, though he is more than twice my age, he is still very spry.  He lives his life much more fully than many people that I’ve met who are a quarter of his age.  He rides around on his bicycle and tinkers around in his tool shed.  He works in his garden, and fixes stuff around the neighborhood.  And, he comes in and talks to the young pastor in his neighborhood on a regular basis.

Usually, when John comes in, it’s to talk about something specific.  He has something on his mind, be it a neighbor who isn’t taking care of their property, or to talk about some issue of the day. 

Today, he was wondering about the economy and the Occupy Wall Street protests in the streets.  He told me that this ‘recession’ seemed to be turning into a depression, and he was worried about his country.  “This generation thinks they should be given everything; they don’t want to work for it, they don’t want to earn their own way,” he told me, “How are they going to survive this.” 

I know John was a child during the Great Depression, as he has shared some of his stories about World War II.  So, I asked him, “How did your generation make it?”

He looked me in the eye and said, “Well, we buckled down and did what we had to do.  We worked hard.  We saved things and made due.  We worked together to help each other.  We didn’t run out to buy something new when it broke, we just fixed it.  But, it’s different today, we didn’t have computers and all this new stuff that everyone thinks they need.” 

“It’s no different today, John,” I replied, “The answer today is the same as it was back then.  People in the 1920s had luxuries, they were frivolous.  But, when the 1930s and 40s came, they learned.  They cut back and made better choices.  They worked harder.  They scrimped and saved.  They treated their possessions with more value.  Families and communities helped each other.  They grew gardens and canned food.  They quit being so wasteful.  It wasn't pretty, it wasn't easy, but you did what you had to do.  That’s what you grew up with, right?” 

“Yes, sir, that’s how we did it.”

“Then,” I went on, “That’s how this generation is going to do it.  We just have some hard lessons to learn first.  And, some of us are going to learn the hard lessons and some of us won’t.  The ones that don’t are going to struggle and blame others for their problems.  Those that learn those hard lessons will make it through together, and be better for it.” 

I don’t think he really needed me to tell him that, I think he was just looking for reassurance that someone else knew the answer too.

John smiled at me and headed back out the door to his truck.  He stopped and looked back at me.  His parting shot was, “I don’t think you’ll have to work too hard to learn those lessons.”

I hope not, John, I truly hope not.

#Occupy Yourselves

Translations

It’s not polite to talk about religion or politics.  You might offend someone.

Poppycock!

I don’t believe you can actually understand someone unless you discuss ideas and beliefs. 

I love discussion.  I enjoy bandying about ideas and considering the merits of various systems of thought.  Philosophy is fun.  Theology is entertaining.  Politics are engaging.   We don’t have to be rude; discussion can be gracious while still challenging.

OK.  I’ve probably already lost you.   “What a weirdo,” you are thinking. 

You just might be right.

Because I grew up without religion, I was an agnostic through high school and college.  I have a lot of respect for someone who admits they don’t know, and even more for the person who doesn’t give up at that point, but keeps on searching.  I have significantly less respect for someone who holds a belief system that they’ve never put any real thought into and won’t even discuss.  This goes for Christians too.  I have met many who grew up with Christianity but have never considered it deeply and have never put any thought into their own beliefs.   I truly believe that an unexamined life is not worth living and an untested faith is probably a weak one.  Truth can stand up to questions and it is OK to admit you don’t have all the answers.

Over the years, speaking with people about religion, I’ve noticed that there are some Conversation-Killers that people use when they don’t want to talk about the subject or, as is often the case, they want to talk about their ideas but don’t want any conflicting ideas.  These Conversation-Killers are short statements that are flippantly tossed out by the person in hopes that they’ll sound deep and intellectual without actually having to engage in any real dialogue.  Conversation-Killer statements sound like one thing, but they actually mean something else. 

I have taken the time to provide translate some of the most common that I have run into and, in some cases, actually said myself in the past (sigh).  Please know that some of this is tongue-in-cheek, but there are also deeper truths behind each of them.  My intention is not to be deliberately mocking if you say these things, but to challenge you to real thought and deeper discussion. 

TRANSLATIONS – When someone says the following statement, here is what they are really saying:

“I’m not religious, but I’m a spiritual person.”   Translation:  I want to feel like I am religious without ever actually sacrificing or committing to anything specific.

“I don’t believe in organized religion.”   Translation: I don’t want to wake up early on Sunday or actually have to connect with other people who might have questions that I can’t answer or might challenge me to growth.

“I believe all religions lead to heaven.”   Translation:  I don’t really know anything about the various religions, I’m just trying not to offend anyone.

“I don’t believe in two thousand year old superstitions.”   Translation: I believe in my own set of modern superstitions.

“I’m too rational for religion.”   Translation:  I’m so caught up in my own superior beliefs and personal egotism that I can’t conceive of anything I haven’t personally experienced.

“You can’t prove God scientifically.”   Translation: I don’t really understand how the scientific process works and so mistakenly believe that most things in the world are scientifically verifiable.

“There is no evidence that Jesus ever existed.”   Translation: I’ve never looked at the evidence, and I don’t understand how the evidentiary process works or how we know about historical figures.  Therefore, I can just choose who I choose to believe existed and who didn’t based on my comfort level.

“Religion is something that weak people need to get through life, but not me.”  Translation: I have my own unprovable rationalizations for things I can’t explain and that gets me through my weak times and don’t want to think too hard about it. 

“Religion is the cause of everything that is wrong in the world.” 
Translation:  Hey, I can explain away the shortcomings of mankind by blaming everything on human belief systems.  Wait a minute…That’s a belief system too.  Oh crap.

“I’m an atheist.”  Translation:  A religious person or people (probably Christian) hurt me, so I choose to accuse others of having unprovable belief systems while I stand firm on my own unprovable, belief system*.  I probably still live my life with mostly Judeo-Christian values, but don’t believe in God (except for that niggling feeling in the back of my brain).   *yes Atheism is a belief system.

“I just think love is the answer.”  Translation: I like touchy –feely emotional explanations that sound cool but require nothing from me personally.

“All religions say the same things.  It’s all about the Golden Rule.”  Translation:  I have never really read anything from the various religions and don’t know what the word ‘contradiction’ means. 

“Religion is society’s way of controlling people.”  Translation:  I don’t want someone or some book to suggest that I’m not already a perfect person and might need to change or grow.

“I believe that your religion is true for you and mine is true for me.”  Translation:  Contradiction, what’s a contradiction?  If everyone is right, then no one is wrong and nobody has to feel bad.  I just don’t want to consider that I might be wrong and don’t want to hurt you by suggesting that you might be wrong.  Except, I just did suggest that you are wrong.

“Christians are narrow-minded and judgmental.”  Translation: I am narrow-minded and judgmental because I can’t even consider the possibility that someone else might be right.  I also am unable to see the ironic narrow-minded judgment in my own statement.

“I prefer to be open-minded.”   Translation: I prefer to be empty-minded and can’t compare and analyze ideas that might require me to reject something.  If I actually thought about it, I might have to commit to something and that might be difficult.

“Christians are intolerant.”  Translation: I’m intolerant and can’t handle ideas that conflict with mine.

“There are too many religions in the world to know if one is right.”   Translation: Thinking is hard for me and I just don’t want to do it. 

OK, that was probably offensive for some people and I’ll probably get a few nasty messages about what Christians really mean.  The funny thing is, I’ll probably agree to some extent because, as I said earlier, I’ve met lots of people who grew up in church and have never really considered their beliefs on a deeper level.  I don't like bumper-sticker answers from Christians either, such as "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven" or "You just have to believe."  These are Conversation-Killers too. 

If someone is offended by an idea that differs from theirs that is politely shared, that is their problem.  No need to be a jerk to them, but let's be honest here: they aren't alone in this world.  This world has a rich tapestry of ideas, good and bad, and you just can't pretend that you live in a bubble where no one else's values, morals, ideas, or beliefs can touch you.  If you offend someone by polite sharing of an idea, that's their problem.  If you offend them by being an overbearing jerk about it, that's your problem.

Really, I just want to encourage you to discuss ideas.  Religion and politics are perfectly acceptable conversation topics, just keep it on a conversational level.  I think that is what scares most people, that the conversation will turn unfriendly.  I’ll be honest, there are some people that I don’t bother discussing these topics with, because they just can’t handle it without getting irrational and angry.  But, if you can handle it, I really want to know your story.  But don’t be surprised if I have questions for you.  I want to understand what you believe and why.  I also want you to understand what I believe and why.  This ultimately brings us closer to understanding each other.  Besides, discussing the weather is dull.

So, go ahead, ask me some questions.  I’ve got a few for you. 

Let’s talk.

P.S. – I’ve never actually used the word ‘Poppycock’ in conversation, but it’s kind of a fun word.