I am a racist and very prejudiced; I hate people who are
different from me. At least, that’s what
the writer of a recent email accused me of.
He was kind about it, suggesting it in an oblique way, couching it in
the nicest terms possible; but it sure didn’t feel very nice. I was so hurt and angry, that I had to kick
in my personal safety rule about email.
Never respond by email when you are mad.
It actually took me four attempts at re-writing my response, in order to
calm down and be a peacemaker instead of firing back an accusatory and sarcastic
response in the same character as his original email.
The story behind it is very long, but the short version is
that we disagreed on how to help the homeless.
Our church and several other churches, charities, and ministries were
asked by the Phoenix Police to assist them by feeding the homeless at a
different location than the city park.
The location is a short walk away from the park, has a gymnasium and
kitchen and helps resolve issues of the neighborhood families who would like to
take their kids to the park without having to see people defecating near their
picnic (actual event) or having pedophiles preying on their kids (two actual
events). The homeless are still allowed
to use the park, they just cannot camp there and the many groups who feed them
are asked to move to this ministry other location that is a mile away. We agreed to work with the police and the
neighborhoods, this other group did not.
We are still feeding the homeless and, what’s more, helping some to get
off the street, into housing, and back to work (4 in the last month). Even cooler, we are able to get dozens of
ministries and charities to work together, pooling our resources and thus doing
more than any one of us could alone.
I offered to meet with the fellow who emailed me and
talk. I offered to listen and provide
answers if he needed. I thought that
perhaps he misunderstood. He wasn’t
interested in talking with someone he doesn’t agree with. He missed the irony of his own email, as much
of his problem was based on his own prejudiced assumptions about me that he
never bothered to clarify.
I have a friend on Facebook who likes to spout strong
opinions on political issues. (actually,
I have several like that). This one, in particular, regularly
reposted half-truths about the opposing party, internet rumors, and false statistics
to back up his point. I used to post
responses to his comments on a regular basis, asking questions, positing a
different point-of-view, or posting links to Snopes.com and factcheck.org when
he posted things that were internet hoaxes, or I would post links to surveys
which might dispute or clarify what he is saying. He privately messaged me and asked me to no
longer do this because he didn’t appreciate how I made him
look bad. I think that I have to give
him some props for being intellectually honest about his intellectual
dishonesty.
In both of these cases, the issue at hand was pride. Neither one of them could conceive that there
might be another way, therefore, the problem was me – not them.
I have a friend who is transgender. We correspond on social media and meet for
coffee every couple of months to talk. I
try to listen and understand. I have to
be completely honest here – I don’t really understand. I have no frame of reference on the struggle;
it’s not mine. Because I have known him
longer than her, pronouns can be a struggle.
But, I listen. I ask questions. I seek understanding.
I have friends who are far-right conservatives. I don’t agree with them on many issues, most
especially immigration, government regulation, and the way we treat this
planet. I believe they’ve got some
things right, especially that we need to respect and protect small businesses,
those ‘rich’ people who provide most of the jobs in the U.S. Even though we disagree, I love discussions
with them, because I can learn something, and hopefully they can too.
I have friends who are far-left liberals. I don’t agree with them on many issues, most
especially the idea that it’s OK to steal from someone who has more than you do,
that bigger government is the solution to all our problems, or that some groups
of people still require special rights that others don’t receive. I do believe
they get it right when they suggests that we need to protect our lands from
pollution and when they want to help those in need. Even though we disagree on some things, I
love discussions with them too.
I am an unabashed Christian.
I believe that Christ offers us the only hope of salvation in this
world. With that said, I have friends
who are Jewish, friends who are Buddhist, friends who are atheist, and some
friends who just don’t know. Religious
discussions are some of my favorite, because there are so many ideas to
discuss.
None of these conversations are comfortable. Some, in fact, get down-right
uncomfortable. Years ago, I read that our
brain views attacks on our ideas by releasing the same hormones that a physical
attack on our bodies causes. We go into a
similar fight or flight mode from ideas, just as we would if a guy in a hockey
mask was chasing us with a chainsaw. It’s
no wonder things get uncomfortable, but who promised a life of comfort? When the only point of view you can see is
your own, it’s like placing a mirror between you and other people. They are there, but you no longer can see
them.
I am not a fence-sitter when it comes to ideas. I have opinions, and they have generally been
shaped through much thought. I’m not always
right on everthing, but hey, I’m not always wrong either. I believe the Socratic idea that the
unexamined life is not worth living.
Thus, some of my opinions have changed over years, often as a result of
a healthy discussion. Politically, I
have been a registered democrat, a registered republican, and now a registered
independent. Spiritually, I have been an
anti-Christian agnostic and now am a Christian pastor. Live and learn. Part of this growth has come from people
challenging my ideas.
We have to have people who disagree with us in order to
become whole people ourselves.
We need opposing ideas to keep healthy points of view.
We must recognize that few things are truly black and white
and truth is usually found somewhere in the grey middle ground.
Unfortunately, these things are harder and harder to
get. Social media, email, and other
technology has made it possible to surround ourselves with homogenous
points-of-view. Facebook and Google both
shift their search results and advertising based on things you have commented
on, people you are connected to, and things you have previously searched
for. This can be a wonderful help when
you are using the internet as it makes it faster and easier to find things that
interest you.
But, it is also a bad thing as it begins to sift out any
ideas that disagree with you. If you
regularly post from the Huffington Post, you will no longer see any results,
events, or advertising that suggests Republican ideas. If you regularly disagree with President
Obama, you will stop seeing any information about Democratic themes. As a Christian, these sites filter out
anything that might challenge my beliefs.
For some of people, that may sound like a good thing. Unfortunately, causes increased partisanship
and distills people to extemism. We
demonize other points of view to the point that we no longer see them as
people, but as the enemy. Just read the
comments on any blog post related to political or religious ideas. Most of those commentors no longer see the
other side as humans, just as a problem to be resolved.
Just as a your average mutt of a dog is generally less
susceptible to genetic diseases than a purebred, the distillation of ideas
makes us unhealthy as a people and more susceptible to bad ideas and to violent
disagreements, up to and including civil war.
We need people who think, believe, and look different from
us. We must share ideas, discuss
concepts, and seek to bridge our divisions.
We must let down our walls of pride and separatism. We must allow ourselves to ask the question, “What
if I am wrong?” Maybe, just maybe, the
other person can help you grow while you, at the same time, challenge them to
growth. The simple truth is that we aren't always going to agree, and that is a good thing. But we must find a way to listen to each other, to take the best ideas, and to give a little and get a little.
Let me just offer a caveat.
I once was arranging to meet an old friend who I hadn’t seen in two
decades. He noticed that I was a pastor
and said that he wasn’t interested in having someone shove their religious
ideas down his throat because he is open-minded and believes x, y, and z. There was a certain irony to his statement,
as well as an implied insult, but I replied to him saying, “Open-minded does
not mean empty-minded.” I was just
hoping to catch up with an old friend; I wasn’t bringing a proselytizing
agenda. I did tell him, that he was
welcome to leave religious discussion completely off the table, but if he
wanted to talk about it, then I would be more than willing to meet challenge with
challenge. When you have a discussion
with someone who is challenging your ideas, it is perfectly acceptable to
politely challenge them back.
Let’s do this thing.
If you have read this far, take this dare yourself. Seek out someone you would normally disagree
with. Take them out for coffee and
listen. Don’t go in with a bad attitude,
but a welcoming one. Consider what truth
they might have in their ideas. Open
your mind and think the issues through from their point-of-view. Consider how to build bridges, and offer
serious but polite challenges back at them.
In the end, you may still hold to a set of principles, but you might
just find that your hard-line ideas are tempered by the recognition that the
side has a valid point or two and that the other person is just that, a person.
Humanity would be much healthier if we could lose a lot of
our pride. We might just find that we
change our prejudices.
P.S. – This is a good
time to renew my ongoing offer. If you
want to have a discussion on an issue, if you have questions about my beliefs
(or your beliefs for that matter), if you just want to share your story, then I
invite you to join me for a cup of coffee and conversation. Just click the Free Cup of Coffee link on the
right side of the page and I’ll be glad to meet you somewhere in the valley of
the sun (sorry if you are out of state, but you gotta meet me in the vicinity
of Phoenix, AZ). I’ll even buy the first
cup.
