Beautiful

We stood as a small group in a parking garage outside of the lecture hall, getting ready to head off for discussion groups.  14 teenagers, a close female friend as an adult sponsor and myself.  In moments, I was going to have my heart broken in a way I could never have anticipated, but I didn’t know it yet.

I had the kids stand in a circle while I was trying to gather my thoughts on what to say.  We had just come out of a summer camp session for high schoolers that talked about the cultural and personal issues of sexuality by Craig and Jason of XXX Church and had been instructed to meet briefly to talk as a group and then to split by gender and have a more personal discussion on these issues.    It had been a powerful session that had taught me something.  I had always thought that pornography was predominantly a male issue.   Though it is the subject of jokes and lighthearted acceptance in our culture at large, the truth is, it consumes the lives of many men, breaks their marriages, and is very destructive in a multitude of ways. 

But, here was something I hadn’t realized.  What Craig and Jason pointed out was that the overall culture of pornography also is destructive to the women in our lives.  They asked the question, “Why is it that when you look at almost any men’s magazine, there is a beautiful half-naked woman on the front?  And, why is it that when you look at almost any women’s magazine, you see the same thing?”  Not even discussing magazines such as Penthouse or Hustler, but Swimsuit Issues, FHM, Maxim, and the like.  And women’s magazines such as 17, Vogue.  There is a message of perfect beauty that pervades our culture and it affects the self esteem of our young girls.

Back in the parking garage, I recognized the truth of their message, or at least I thought I did.  But, it was about to be brought home in a powerful and painful way.

I asked the kids to look around at each other and then I said, “These are your brothers and sisters.  Girls, look at these guys.  Every single one of them struggles with these issues.  They deal with lust and temptation on a daily basis and it affects how they look at women and how they look at themselves, and it’s a very real struggle in each of their lives.”  The kids looked at each other with some discomfort, but the moment passed and they waited for what else I had to say.

Then, I said, “Guys, look around you at these girls.  Each and every one of them struggles with their self-value in some way.  They wonder if they are pretty enough, smart enough, or valuable enough to be loved.  They envy other girls for their beauty while they secretly doubt themselves.”

That’s when it happened.  I thought I had understood the issue.  I had worked with teens for almost a decade and had a young daughter of my own, but I didn’t really understand.

When I had finished my statement I saw every single one of those girls, including the adult sponsor get the most heartbreaking look on their faces and look quickly down at the ground.  Tears ran down several of their faces. 

My words had struck home in a deeply personal way that was shattering.

My own eyes teared up as I looked upon these girls who I cared so much about.  I had known most of them since they were small children, including the adult sponsor.  Now, every single one of these girls was beautiful and every single one didn’t believe it.  I don’t say they were beautiful, “just because I was their youth minister and I was supposed to say that kind of thing;” it’s true, every one of those young women were physically beautiful.  There wasn’t one who wasn’t pretty.  Very pretty.  What’s more, I knew every single one of them, and each was a beautiful person inside too.  They were my friends, they were my students, and I loved them as if they were my own daughters.

Yet, here they were broken to their very core by the message of value that our culture had put on them.  These lovely young ladies, each and every one, wondered if they were loveable.  It’s not enough to say that my heart was broken for them… It was torn with grief that they would have to fight this battle.

As instructed, we broke into two separate groups, male and female, to have our discussions.  I walked quickly ahead of the guys to the room where we were going to talk, so they wouldn’t see how much this had shaken me.  I needed time to gather my thoughts before I spoke again.

I have often discussed the issue of pornography with guys.  I truly believe that puberty is a much worse experience for guys than girls. Everything that happens to guys is in secret and it is culturally surrounded with shame.  Every guy at some point feels like a dirty little pervert and wonders if there is something wrong with him, because other guys don’t seem to have these issues.  Even in a culture that is now seems accepting of pornography, there is still an underlying message that you are sick if you look at it. 

But, the pictures and advertising that pervades our media, magazines, movies, and music are destructive to our young women.  Airbrushing, makeup, special lighting and Photoshop, along with the selection of only a certain female models who meet a narrow set of criteria, leads us to a standard of beauty that is all but impossible to meet in the real world.  I once heard a quote from a supermodel where she said, “We are freaks of nature.”  Years ago, we had a young girl in our youth group who was a model.  She did runway shows and fashion modeling.  Let me tell you, she was gorgeous even as a teen.  Tall, thin, long hair, and perfect skin… Amazing physical beauty.  When I saw here again a few years later, I found out she was no longer modeling.  Why?  They told her that she was too fat!!!!!!!  She looked no different to me, most women would envy her figure, yet she wasn’t ‘perfect’ enough for the modeling world. 

Dove (the soap company) has a drive to change this.  In their Campaign for Real Beauty, they have created videos that show the reality of women in advertising and the painful truth of how this affects our girls. (Fair warning, the second video is very sad)

 There is a cartoon that I have seen several times posted on the internet.  The caption says, “The difference between men and women.” It shows two panels.  One shows a girl looking in a mirror and the other shows a guy looking in the mirror.  The guy is overweight and bald, but looks in the mirror and sees himself like Charles Atlas.  The girl is curvy and attractive, but in the mirror, sees this dumpy ugly woman.  There is so much truth here, it hurts. 

What saddens me the most is that I see this message being eaten up by my own preteen daughter and her young friends.  I hear them talk about diets and exercise, not because they want to be healthy, but because they think they are fat.  It makes me want to go have an angry and quite violent encounter with the editors of every fashion magazine in existence. 

It’s time to dump these ideas as a culture.  They don’t work, and they are spiritually and emotionally (and sometimes physically) destructive to our daughters….

And our wives and mothers too.  Our culture values youth and discards the aged.  I love the scene in the movie, “A Family Thing” where Robert Duvall is looking at old family pictures and says to the Grandma, “You were very pretty back then,” and Grandma replies, “There ain’t nothing wrong with the way I look now.”  But, even our adult women are sucked into this twisted culture of youth and beauty.  Liposuction, plastic surgery, and fad diets are the way of life for many of our adult women.

Let’s never spend another dime on one of these magazines.  Let’s turn the channel when shows like Top Model come on.  Let’s send the message to our girls that it’s good to be healthy and fit, but it’s not healthy to obsess about appearance.

The cultural idea of beauty has changed over time.  Sometimes it has been healthy, other times destructive.  The 1911 Swimsuit Issue would have looked VERY different from the 2011 one!  Let's change this culture's idea of beauty.  Let’s send the message to the girls in our lives that they ARE beautiful as they are. 

Let’s work for the day when another youth minister is standing in a parking garage looking at his group of kids, saying, “You won’t believe this, but many years ago, our society used to believe that a woman’s value was in her physical beauty.”  I hope he never has to see the looks on his girls faces that I saw.

Tall or short.

Curvy or thin.

Black, White, Brown, Yellow, or Red.

Long straight hair or kinky afro.

Blonde, brunette, or redhead.

Young or old.

You are beautiful, just as God created you.

---------

P.S. To all of you girls that were there in the parking garage that day, you were beautiful then and you are still beautiful today. 

Pride and Prejudice

I am a racist and very prejudiced; I hate people who are different from me.  At least, that’s what the writer of a recent email accused me of.  He was kind about it, suggesting it in an oblique way, couching it in the nicest terms possible; but it sure didn’t feel very nice.  I was so hurt and angry, that I had to kick in my personal safety rule about email.  Never respond by email when you are mad.  It actually took me four attempts at re-writing my response, in order to calm down and be a peacemaker instead of firing back an accusatory and sarcastic response in the same character as his original email.

The story behind it is very long, but the short version is that we disagreed on how to help the homeless.  Our church and several other churches, charities, and ministries were asked by the Phoenix Police to assist them by feeding the homeless at a different location than the city park.  The location is a short walk away from the park, has a gymnasium and kitchen and helps resolve issues of the neighborhood families who would like to take their kids to the park without having to see people defecating near their picnic (actual event) or having pedophiles preying on their kids (two actual events).  The homeless are still allowed to use the park, they just cannot camp there and the many groups who feed them are asked to move to this ministry other location that is a mile away.  We agreed to work with the police and the neighborhoods, this other group did not.  We are still feeding the homeless and, what’s more, helping some to get off the street, into housing, and back to work (4 in the last month).  Even cooler, we are able to get dozens of ministries and charities to work together, pooling our resources and thus doing more than any one of us could alone.

I offered to meet with the fellow who emailed me and talk.  I offered to listen and provide answers if he needed.  I thought that perhaps he misunderstood.  He wasn’t interested in talking with someone he doesn’t agree with.  He missed the irony of his own email, as much of his problem was based on his own prejudiced assumptions about me that he never bothered to clarify.

I have a friend on Facebook who likes to spout strong opinions on political issues.  (actually, I have several like that).  This one, in particular, regularly reposted half-truths about the opposing party, internet rumors, and false statistics to back up his point.  I used to post responses to his comments on a regular basis, asking questions, positing a different point-of-view, or posting links to Snopes.com and factcheck.org when he posted things that were internet hoaxes, or I would post links to surveys which might dispute or clarify what he is saying.  He privately messaged me and asked me to no longer do this because he didn’t appreciate how I made him look bad.  I think that I have to give him some props for being intellectually honest about his intellectual dishonesty. 

In both of these cases, the issue at hand was pride.  Neither one of them could conceive that there might be another way, therefore, the problem was me – not them.

I have a friend who is transgender.  We correspond on social media and meet for coffee every couple of months to talk.  I try to listen and understand.  I have to be completely honest here – I don’t really understand.  I have no frame of reference on the struggle; it’s not mine.  Because I have known him longer than her, pronouns can be a struggle.  But, I listen.  I ask questions.  I seek understanding.

I have friends who are far-right conservatives.  I don’t agree with them on many issues, most especially immigration, government regulation, and the way we treat this planet.  I believe they’ve got some things right, especially that we need to respect and protect small businesses, those ‘rich’ people who provide most of the jobs in the U.S.  Even though we disagree, I love discussions with them, because I can learn something, and hopefully they can too.

I have friends who are far-left liberals.  I don’t agree with them on many issues, most especially the idea that it’s OK to steal from someone who has more than you do, that bigger government is the solution to all our problems, or that some groups of people still require special rights that others don’t receive. I do believe they get it right when they suggests that we need to protect our lands from pollution and when they want to help those in need.  Even though we disagree on some things, I love discussions with them too. 

I am an unabashed Christian.  I believe that Christ offers us the only hope of salvation in this world.  With that said, I have friends who are Jewish, friends who are Buddhist, friends who are atheist, and some friends who just don’t know.  Religious discussions are some of my favorite, because there are so many ideas to discuss.

None of these conversations are comfortable.  Some, in fact, get down-right uncomfortable.  Years ago, I read that our brain views attacks on our ideas by releasing the same hormones that a physical attack on our bodies causes.  We go into a similar fight or flight mode from ideas, just as we would if a guy in a hockey mask was chasing us with a chainsaw.  It’s no wonder things get uncomfortable, but who promised a life of comfort?  When the only point of view you can see is your own, it’s like placing a mirror between you and other people.  They are there, but you no longer can see them.

I am not a fence-sitter when it comes to ideas.  I have opinions, and they have generally been shaped through much thought.  I’m not always right on everthing, but hey, I’m not always wrong either.  I believe the Socratic idea that the unexamined life is not worth living.  Thus, some of my opinions have changed over years, often as a result of a healthy discussion.  Politically, I have been a registered democrat, a registered republican, and now a registered independent.  Spiritually, I have been an anti-Christian agnostic and now am a Christian pastor.  Live and learn.  Part of this growth has come from people challenging my ideas.

We have to have people who disagree with us in order to become whole people ourselves.

We need opposing ideas to keep healthy points of view. 

We must recognize that few things are truly black and white and truth is usually found somewhere in the grey middle ground.

Unfortunately, these things are harder and harder to get.  Social media, email, and other technology has made it possible to surround ourselves with homogenous points-of-view.  Facebook and Google both shift their search results and advertising based on things you have commented on, people you are connected to, and things you have previously searched for.  This can be a wonderful help when you are using the internet as it makes it faster and easier to find things that interest you. 

But, it is also a bad thing as it begins to sift out any ideas that disagree with you.  If you regularly post from the Huffington Post, you will no longer see any results, events, or advertising that suggests Republican ideas.  If you regularly disagree with President Obama, you will stop seeing any information about Democratic themes.  As a Christian, these sites filter out anything that might challenge my beliefs.  For some of people, that may sound like a good thing.  Unfortunately, causes increased partisanship and distills people to extemism.  We demonize other points of view to the point that we no longer see them as people, but as the enemy.  Just read the comments on any blog post related to political or religious ideas.  Most of those commentors no longer see the other side as humans, just as a problem to be resolved.

Just as a your average mutt of a dog is generally less susceptible to genetic diseases than a purebred, the distillation of ideas makes us unhealthy as a people and more susceptible to bad ideas and to violent disagreements, up to and including civil war.

We need people who think, believe, and look different from us.  We must share ideas, discuss concepts, and seek to bridge our divisions.  We must let down our walls of pride and separatism.  We must allow ourselves to ask the question, “What if I am wrong?”  Maybe, just maybe, the other person can help you grow while you, at the same time, challenge them to growth.  The simple truth is that we aren't always going to agree, and that is a good thing.  But we must find a way to listen to each other, to take the best ideas, and to give a little and get a little.

Let me just offer a caveat.  I once was arranging to meet an old friend who I hadn’t seen in two decades.  He noticed that I was a pastor and said that he wasn’t interested in having someone shove their religious ideas down his throat because he is open-minded and believes x, y, and z.  There was a certain irony to his statement, as well as an implied insult, but I replied to him saying, “Open-minded does not mean empty-minded.”  I was just hoping to catch up with an old friend; I wasn’t bringing a proselytizing agenda.  I did tell him, that he was welcome to leave religious discussion completely off the table, but if he wanted to talk about it, then I would be more than willing to meet challenge with challenge.  When you have a discussion with someone who is challenging your ideas, it is perfectly acceptable to politely challenge them back. 

Let’s do this thing.  If you have read this far, take this dare yourself.  Seek out someone you would normally disagree with.  Take them out for coffee and listen.  Don’t go in with a bad attitude, but a welcoming one.  Consider what truth they might have in their ideas.  Open your mind and think the issues through from their point-of-view.  Consider how to build bridges, and offer serious but polite challenges back at them.  In the end, you may still hold to a set of principles, but you might just find that your hard-line ideas are tempered by the recognition that the side has a valid point or two and that the other person is just that, a person.

Humanity would be much healthier if we could lose a lot of our pride.  We might just find that we change our prejudices.

P.S. – This is a good time to renew my ongoing offer.  If you want to have a discussion on an issue, if you have questions about my beliefs (or your beliefs for that matter), if you just want to share your story, then I invite you to join me for a cup of coffee and conversation.  Just click the Free Cup of Coffee link on the right side of the page and I’ll be glad to meet you somewhere in the valley of the sun (sorry if you are out of state, but you gotta meet me in the vicinity of Phoenix, AZ).  I’ll even buy the first cup.

Words

“Are there any questions,” I asked as we ended the ESL* class that I was co-teaching. “Yes Mr. Rodger,” asked one of the older Kurdish students. I do not understand why you use the same word for a door that you use for a man and woman.” I asked him what word he was talking about and he said “kheiz.” After some discussion, we established that he was speaking about two words: kiss and keys. To him, the words sounded the same and no matter how many times I pronounced them, he and the other Kurds in the classroom heard the words the same.

One of the younger men, who spoke better English than the others, told me that he had encountered the same thing and had even seen it work the other way. He said, Americans cannot hear the difference between the words hassan and hassan**. Now it was my turn to be confused. As he repeated the two words several times, I still could not hear any difference in his pronunciation.

More than a decade later, sitting in a human development class, I learned that this is a real phenomenon that happens with the more complex languages of the world, English, Chinese, Arabic, Russian, and others. There are sounds in the language that cannot be heard by outsiders. When a child is young, their brains build pathways that understand these sound differences. It is almost impossible to build these pathways as an adult and so the non-native speaker may hear two words that sound different to native speakers but sound identical to the learner.

Communication is challenging, even when two people speak the same native language. What often separates us is not just the sounds and words that we use; but the very different cultural values that we hold. In the United States, there are close to 300 million people. Each person has a cultural, religious, and family background that affects their values. These values are generally formed at an early age and affect how we see the world and ultimately how we communicate with others. Therein lies the problem.

The very ideas of what is right and wrong (or if there is even a right/wrong concept) can derail a conversation or a relationship. I encounter this regularly with family, friends, and acquaintances of mine. I believe that there is good and evil in the world. I believe in the ideas of duty, honor, obligation, community, self-sacrifice, altruism, and justice. Yet, in our society, the watchword ideal is selfishness. What’s in it for me? What have you done for me lately? It’s all about me, me, me.

So, just like my Kurdish friend and I had problems hearing differences in language, so I find the same communication issues with people who don’t speak the same values language.

Parenting, marriage, business dealings, patriotism, and hundreds of other topics become a translator’s nightmare. Why shouldn’t we sexualize our children? Why shouldn’t we cheat on our taxes? Why shouldn’t stockholders bankrupt workers and make themselves millionaires while they crash a company? Why shouldn’t we ditch our marriage when things get hard? Why shouldn’t a company bribe inspectors so that they can take shortcuts? Why shouldn’t we stay home from elections and ignore the corruption? Why shouldn’t we let our children make all their own choices with no moral guidance? Why shouldn’t we redefine institutions, ideas, and history to fit our own selfish ends?

There is a polarization of people in this country and it is primarily due to this. We no longer speak the same language of values. If you are a Republican, you cannot find any good in the current president, no matter what good things he does. Democrats are no better; they spent eight years denigrating the last president with no recognition that he actually did good things. Atheist sue right and left to remove any idea of God from this nation’s government, pretending that religion was absent in the founding of this nation. And let’s not forget the Christians who waste time and money suing to get prayer in school (just ours mind you), crosses in courthouses, and nativity scenes on public property as if we can’t have these things on our property.

This polarization of values leaves us unable to communicate with each other. Most people don’t even try to see the other side; they just spout their ideas and scorn everyone else’s.

If we can no longer understand each other, how will we ever be a cohesive community? Why can't we hold different points of view but still have civil discussion? Why can't we disagree over the things we disagree over and still give credit where it is due? We need to talk...

Give me a call if you need a translator for this.

* ESL – English as a Second Language

** I believe the words he used were said/spelled this way, but I don’t speak Arabic or Kurdish.