Ten Ways to be Better Wife

Ten Ways to be a Better Wife

Co-authored by my wife: Rebecca Loar

Just like husbands, wives are often portrayed negatively by Hollywood too. They are nags, shrews, and desperate housewives. It takes two to tango, so the wife needs to engage in improvement too. I wouldn’t have dared to undertake this project unless my wife was involved. You’d have to be a brave (or stupid) man to tell a woman where she can improve.

Again, I invite you, the reader, to comment and make suggestions of your own, so that we can improve together.

1. Guy Romantic and Girl Romantic are different – The first three Christmas presents were sweaters. Three years in a row! Epic Wife Fail!!! She thought they were nice and thought it was romantic to clothe her man. Three problems here: First, I’m a big guy and generate plenty of body heat on my own, so a sweater really becomes a sweat-er. I don’t need to be any warmer. Second, I’ve never worn sweaters, I’m not a sweater kind of guy. Fat guys in sweaters are the stuff of jokes. Finally, I was hoping for something cool, and sweaters just ain’t cool. Finally, after three years of seeing my tepid reaction upon opening my present (I’m a rotten actor), she asked me. I told her I was hoping for something cool. We discussed tools, flashlights, guns, and knives versus sweaters, cards, and such. My recommendation is find out what your man likes and buy in that area. If you aren’t sure, ask him. Or, get him a gift card to his favorite store. By the way, she got me a pair of robo-grip pliers the next year. Booyah!
2. Don’t Emasculate Your Man – You married a man, let him be a man. Don’t emasculate him. I mean that both literally and figuratively. I hate to see women who dominate their husbands, yelling at him, belittling him, treating him like a child. Henpecking is a form of abuse no different than a man who bullies his wife. Often, the man allows it because he doesn’t want to cause problems in the relationship, but the truth is, the relationship is unhealthy unless both parties are equal.
3. Give Him Time with Friends – It really is OK if he has a poker night, goes to a ball game, or goes to hang out with the guys. I don’t recommend strip clubs, but that’s for a much different issue. Occasionally, wives have issues with their men spending time with anyone but her. Trust me, if you give him some guy time, he’ll be back to give you some wife time. And, quite frankly, you don’t want to do the gross things that men do.
4. He needs a Man Cave – Give him a space of his own that you don’t decorate. Whether he is a car guy and wants the garage or he just wants to be able to watch the Cardinals lose without having to move fluffy pillows from his chair; he will appreciate the space. Workshops, computer desks, game rooms, or dens are acceptable versions of this. Let him put up a deer head or a bunch of baseball action figures (if he’s into such juvenile games as baseball). Every guy has a junior high boy inside him, so give him a place to let that out.
5. Look Nice for Him – chances are, you aren’t a supermodel. That’s OK, he’s probably not Hugh Jackman, either. You can still look nice for him. Now, I’m not talking about vacuuming the floor in high heels and pearls, it’s not 1952. But, if he likes your long hair down (and he does), wear it down for him. Dress in things that flatter your shape. Wear that low cut blouse just for him. Lingerie is a good idea once in awhile too, just make sure it isn’t too complicated. Throw it on the ground when you try it on in the store; that’s what it will look like five minutes after you put it on anyway.
6. Remember He Has Problems Too – and, he may not tell you about them all. Men are culturally taught to be strong. This often translates into holding stuff inside. Let him know you want to share with him, but don’t pressure him constantly about it. Give him space and time. This becomes especially important when he has faced loss, such as death of someone close to him, job loss or demotion, or other similar stresses.
7. Let Him be a Father – Men play with children differently than women do. This is a fact. Psychologists think that this is important in child development. So, let him rough house a little. If he has to wear a bandana over his nose to change diapers, that’s ok.
8. Respect Him – Marriage counselors will tell you that women value security and men value respect. I have found this to be very true. If you treat your man as a child, if you put down his job, if you go around him to others for help, he will feel the lack of respect and that will cause resentment. Respect him as part of your love.
9. Let Him Fix Things – There aren’t any more dragons to slay. As a man, you aren’t called on to fight with swords or rescue maidens. So let him be a knight. Men tend to be oriented towards fixing problems where women tend to get more out of sharing them. This is a common area of stress in marriages. If he has suggestions on how to fix something, consider it. Encourage him to listen to you, too, but still let him fix some things. You could also give him a sword as a present. Refer to item # 1 above.
10. Pray For Him –Pray for him to be the man he needs to be. Pray for him to do well in his job. Pray for him to be uplifted and encouraged. Pray for his confidence. Pray for his relationship with you. Pray that he doesn’t cut his finger off when working with knives (my wife forgot to do this one, so it’s her fault). Pray for him daily. Let him know that you pray for him. This kind of quiet support feels good.

Wives and husbands are different. I believe that God created us that way for a reason. Whatever His reason, it makes for some very interesting times and a roller coaster of love. It is said that when women look in a mirror, the see every flaw and focus on it, while men look in a mirror and find their best single quality and focus on that. For men, scratching and grunting are a valid form of communication and it is entirely possible for us to sit on the couch and not be thinking of anything. Stereotypes aside, wives must realize that their husbands are different from them down to the chromosomal level. So, if you want him to be the best husband he can be, you have to try to be the best wife you can be.

This post is Number 3 in a series of Ten Top Ten Lists on improving yourself. This series will be posted daily.

Tomorrow: Ten Ways to Be a Better Parent

Ten Ways to Be a Better Husband

I get annoyed by Hollywood and Television portrayals of husbands. Really annoyed. Invariably, we are portrayed as ignorant ogres and arrogant buffoons, that is, if we are portrayed at all. Yes, there are far too many men who abandon their families, but there are also good husbands out there. Here are some ideas on how to be a good husband. Again, I invite you as the reader to participate and add suggestions of your own so we can learn together.

1. Turn off the game – I’m sorry, but this has to be number one. If your wife is a sports widow, it’s time to shut off the Television and go spend time with her. The Cardinals are going to lose whether you are watching or not and you can pick it up in the sports pages tomorrow. Do you really have to watch every game, every Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday? Really. Ask yourself if the outcome of a game really has any long term effect on anything important in life. Here is the answer: No. It doesn’t. Men who neglect their families in order to spend every available free minute watching a game (or working on their car, manicuring their lawn, playing golf, etc. etc. etc.) need to readjust their priorities. 60 years from now as you lie on your death bed, will you really care about the outcome of the 1972 Superbowl? Or, will you be thinking about the smile your son gave you as you first taught him how to ride a bike or the hug your daughter gave you right before you walked her down the aisle, or the look of joy on your wife’s face as you took her out to her favorite restaurant and asked her to marry you again for your 25^th wedding anniversary. The truth is, any one of those moments is worth a thousand ball games and you only get them by being a part of their lives. And, just think, 60 years from now on your deathbed, the Cardinals STILL won’t have won a Super Bowl.
2. Be smooshy – That’s right. Be Smooshy. Sorry to use such deep, intellectual and technical words, but this is important. If you want to have an incredible marriage, do sweet little smooshy, goofy things for your wife that you wouldn’t want anyone else to know you do. Trust me, you won’t lose your man card for this one. Write a little love note to her and hide it in her briefcase. Make her breakfast in bed. Buy her a card and write something nice to remember your first time making love. Give her a day at the spa while you take the kids out for some time with them. Whisper silly love phrases in her ear in the middle of a large group of people so that just you and she can hear. Be Silly. Be Fun. Be Goofy. No one else has to know and these things are better than diamonds.
3. Touch her – Now, I’m not talking about sex here. I’m talking about taking the inside of her arm and stroking it or giving her a neckrub while she is doing dishes. Put your hand on her back in a public place so she knows your with her. Rest your hand on her knee when sitting together on the couch. Hold hands. Hug. Snuggle. Kiss her ear. Yes, you can even touch her breasts too, just don't spend all of your time there. Do these things regularly and not just to get sex. Let her know she is adored.
4. Sit on the floor – this is more for arguments, but I can share this one from personal experience. Men are usually larger than their wives, with deeper voices, and more dominant presence. When you have a discussion, sit on the floor below the couch or bed where she is. This shows humility and keeps you from looming over her. This really works, especially if your wife is short. Don't forget to pick up the dust bunnies while you are down there.
5. Remember things – There is no excuse for forgetting anniversaries or her birthday. Use the calendar in your phone or on your computer. Write it down. Get her a nice present days in advance, don’t just run out and buy flowers at 7-11 on the way home from work. Forgetting her name is really bad.
6. Date – Like you did when you met, date her. Woo her for the rest of your life. Take her on dates regularly, even if it is just a picnic on a blanket at home. Don’t lose that lovin feelin. Take her chocolates on the way home from work.
   
7. Tell her she is beautiful – The pastor who did our pre-marital counseling told me something very wise: “Whether you treat her like she is beautiful or treat her like she is a nag…She will be.” Tell your wife she is beautiful regularly. Tell her you love her all the time. Listen to the song “If tomorrow never comes” by Garth Brooks and apply it to your marriage.
8. Let her tell you about her day – This falls under the category of listening. When you come home, remember, she has had a day too. It doesn’t matter if she works outside the home or raises the children, ask how her day was and listen. Interject appropriate comments, approval, sympathy, surprise, disgust (napalm diapers) etc. Let her know it matters to you. Then, don't turn around and tell her, "That's nothing, wait till you hear about my day!"
9. Go to church together – This one is pretty important. If you share a faith together, you will have a much stronger marriage. This is more than just statistics, it is about your hearts. If you are both going the same direction, the journey together has meaning. Plus, you can snuggle in the pew.
10. Always build her up in front of others – This goes along with telling her that she is beautiful. Never waste the chance to build her up in front of others. When the other guys are groaning about going home to the old bitch, let them know you look forward to going home to your wife. Want to make some real points, build her up in front of her girl friends. Send flowers to her work instead of giving them to her in private. When you pick her up from a friend’s house, be sure to kiss her and tell her she’s beautiful. Encourage her, build her up, treat her like she is important to you.

After fourteen years of marriage, I’m no expert. But, I have learned this much…It’s the little things that count. I love my wife and I want a lifetime together. I’d rather have a lifetime of happiness and sweet memories with her than a bitter, miserable relationship that drags us both down. I know that I have a choice in making one of those two thing happen.

I love you my beautiful Becky and vow to always try to be the best husband I can for you. I love you more today than I did 14 years ago.

This post is Number 2 in a series of Ten Top Ten Lists on improving yourself. This series will be posted daily.

Tomorrow – Ten Ways to Be a Better Wife (We'll see if I survive this one)

Top Ten Ways to Have Better Relationships

I decided it was time to do another set of Top 10 lists. I had fun with the last series, so let's go again. I thought I'd share a series on becoming a better you. Hey, if Joel Olsteen can do it, I can too. The only difference here is that I won't make any money off of this and I can't pull off that 'used car dealer' smile. This is just for fun and I hope you will add your own input in the comments. Our first topic is How to Have a Better Relationship. This is for any relationship from marriage, BFF's, close buddies, or just two dudes in a Bro-mance (Joe and Theo).

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Whether it is friendship, marriage, or even family, any relationships are often difficult. The biggest hurdle is to get past our own selfishness and past baggage to grow closer to the other person. The experience of a personal and deep relationship with someone, that surpasses all of the issues to become a lifetime relationship, is one of the most powerful experiences that you can experience as a person.

Here are some effective ways to experience this:

1. Value people over things. There are few more important ways to deepen the level of the relationships in your life and to really grow a person than this. When the possessions in your life and the money you earn cease to be more important than the people around you, love can begin to deepen. This is a huge lesson in our materialistic society where spouses both work to pay the bills, where parents work long hours to afford more stuff, and where toys and possessions become the goal. Reprioritizing generosity, sacrificial living, and simplicity over financial gain will allow you to focus on building stronger relationships with the people closest to you.


2. Listen. There is an old cliché that says, “God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason.” Again, this involves getting past selfishness. If my friend is sharing information with me and all I can think of is what I am going to say next, we both lose out on the chance to grow closer. Listening is not the same thing as hearing, though. Listening requires actively paying attention to what they are saying, noting voice inflection and non-verbal clues. A good test to see if you have listened (and to let them know that you are) is to repeat it back to them in their own words when they are done speaking. This helps you focus on the meaning of their words, and it helps to prevent misunderstandings because they can clarify if needed.


3. Spend Time. There is no such thing as quality time if you don’t spend quantity time. Period. You cannot expect to have a deep relationship unless you actually put in the time to earn trust and to offer enough opportunities for sharing.


4. Do new things together. Any relationship can become stagnant after enough time of the ‘same old thing.’ If you want to deepen the relationship, share new experiences. This does two things to help your relationship grow: first, you will now share a special time with that person that no one else shares with them, and secondly, you will see each other in a new place where you are vulnerable. This allows your masks to slip so that you can each catch a glimpse of the deeper person.


5. Do new things apart and then come back together to share them. If you spend all your time together, even sharing new experiences, you will quickly have nothing new to talk about. If you each go out and gain new experiences apart, then you will have something exciting to share when you come back together.


6. Serve together. Serving others is one of the greatest experiences you can have together. This, again, has the effect of breaking through your own selfishness. Spend time volunteering in a soup kitchen, at a church event, at a homeless shelter, raising money for a good cause, or something similar. Help other people and you can’t help but to be changed. When you share this experience with another person, it can cause you to grow together spiritually.


7. Tell them how much you value them. Everyone likes to hear that they are loved. Don’t be afraid to tell someone that they matter to you. It may feel awkward at first, but it can help you grow together.


8. Exhort each other to growth. Proverbs 27:6 says, that wounds from a friend can be trusted. If you can speak truthfully to one another in love, then you can encourage each other to grow. A real friend is someone who will be honest with you in everything, from the small things such as a zipper that’s open to the big stuff like addictions.


9. Be intentionally humble. No one likes an arrogant jerk. You don’t want to put up with someone who thinks only of themselves, so don’t be that person. This helps a lot in personal communication. When you admit your struggles, then it helps the other person not have to compete with you. Just don’t play the false humility card.


10. Be intentionally transparent. Choose to be real. It’s that simple. You will never grow past the lightweight level of relationship until you open up and get vulnerable. Now, this isn’t something to do in the first five minutes of a relationship, but it is something you can choose to intentionally do, one step at a time.

Relationships are hard. Deep ones are even harder to get to. But, with investment in others, you can experience deep and abiding relationships that will make you a better person and broaden your life experience. Trust me, it is worth it.

Tomorrow: Top 10 Ways to Have a Better Marriage.

It Doesn't Just Happen

WARNING – The contents of this blog will be offensive to some people. If you can’t handle graphic comments then please don’t read the following. If you choose to read, please don’t comment that you find the statements distasteful, we are going for total honesty here. Adults Only!

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This whole thing with Tiger Woods and his plethora of mistresses has started to fade away, but the commentary continues. I have nothing personal against Tiger, but I do decry the choices that he made. What bothers me about Tiger, John Edwards, Mark Sanford, Jim McGreevy, Bill Clinton and others is the statements that they make after the fact. There is a sense that, “It just happened” or, “I made a mistake.”

The truth is, infidelity of this sort does NOT just happen. There is a quote from the TV Show Friends that applies here; “What did you mean to stick it in, her purse?” These men did not just walk down the street, stumble against a pretty girl and accidentally copulate.

A recent article talked about people in online worlds such as Second Life having entire second lives including an online ‘spouse.’ There are divorces that occur because one spouse has met someone else on the internet and fallen in love with them. Office romances occur when you work lots of hours with someone and grow close to them. All of these are choices that lead to infidelity.

Fidelity in marriage comes from daily choices to love your spouse and to rebuff others. Having a faithful marriage is never an accident. Neither is adultery. The simple truth is that being married does not turn off your libido. There is no doubt about it, sex is fun and you will desire to have sex with people who are not your spouse. You will be emotionally and sexually attracted to other people in your life. The question is, will you make the choices and take the steps that moves you away from them, towards your spouse or will you choose to move towards them and threaten the destruction of your marriage.

When any of these men were in the act of having sex with their mistresses, they were in a position (no pun intended) that they chose. What’s more, they had already made a hundred choices to get to that point and at any point they could have come to their senses and chosen to reverse the process. They chose to continue spending time with the person after they were attracted to her. They chose to say, “yes” to going out with her. They chose to go back to a private place with her. They chose to get physical with her. And they chose to do the deed. They could have chosen at any time to get out of bed, pull up their pants, put the cigar away, and driven away. But they chose the momentary pleasure of getting their rocks off over the long term joy of a faithful marriage.

Sex is NOT a bad thing. Frankly it is an amazing gift from God. I am personally a fan (I’ll bet there is a Facebook Fan Page for it. But, sleeping around cheapens sex and ruins relationships. Every time you do it with someone, you lose a little of yourself…unless, that person is your spouse and it is part of a healthy marriage relationship, then you gain a little every time. Genesis 2:24-25 paints a clear and beautiful picture of how God meant it to be: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” Naked and Unashamed: that's how you close you are supposed to be with your spouse, not with anyone else.

If these men had chosen to invest as much time, energy, attention, and romance with their wives as they spent on their mistresses, then I guarantee that they wouldn’t have needed the mistress for a sexual outlet. It’s amazing how much a marriage can recover with time and attention and how much it can be destroyed by infidelity. Rarely do marriages recover from infidelity. This is the worst betrayal that can happen. When you make the choices that lead to this, it is not an accident and it is inexcusable. Please don’t make it worse by making excuses about how it “just happened.” Make the choice ahead of time that this behavior is unacceptable. Make the choice to daily love your spouse and to refuse all others.

You have my permission to go have sex with your spouse now. Everyone else should go take a cold shower.

P.S. Honey, I'll be home early tonight.

My Police History

In response to my most recent blog about the police, my father sent me a picture from when I was a child in Parkersburg. My father was a police reporter for the local newspaper and later worked for the Wood County Sheriff. Consequently, I grew up around cops, which is probably why I care so much for them today. For the record, I am the one in the middle with the uber-cool striped shirt.. My brother Randy is the platinum-haired one on the left sporting the muscle shirt to show off his guns. I don't know the name of the police officer.

click on the photo to see full size

A Sharp Knife, a Police Officer, and a Christmas Lesson

So, I cut part of my index finger off. A little life advice here: don’t do that, it hurts a lot. Among many other things, this has interrupted my blogging. Even as I type this, I keep making mistakes. Such is life. Fortunately, I have spell check.

Here’s the story: Our church decided to do a service project for Christmas. We made a beautiful Christmas dinner with all the fixings for the 150 police officers in our precinct that got stuck working on Christmas day. No evangelism, no preaching, just serving those who serve us.

While doing prep work for this dinner, I sliced about 1” x ½” off of the front of my index finger. I was chopping celery and missed where the green part stopped and the pink part started. A trip to the emergency room and half a dozen stitches later, everything came back together. It was interesting trying to preach the Christmas Eve service with this great big white bandage showing on my finger. That's not distracting at all. I thought about tying a red bow around it to make it blend in.

The part that I want to share today is the response to the dinner. We have had some police officers stop in our office to thank us for doing this. One officer said that he always feels forgotten on Christmas, no place is open to buy lunch and no one seems to care that the officers are there. Pretty sad.

The comment that really got me was made by a Lieutenant who said that he had been on the Phoenix Police for more than thirty years and no one had ever done something like that for him. He said, “As a cop, you just get used to the fact that everyone hates you.” I think that qualifies as one of the saddest things I have ever heard.

These men and women, for the most part, are doing a hard job that they love because they believe in it. They don’t get paid much and receive far too little respect from the society that they protect. This is something that needs to change. As a parent, I have brought my daughter up to respect and trust police officers and to understand why they are there. We all need to do that.

Let’s be honest, there are a few bad apples, lawmen who do bad things… But that is true of every occupation. That’s humanity. The truth is, policemen put their lives on the line every single day they go to work so that you and I don’t have to worry about carrying a gun around every second of the day to protect ourselves. They enforce traffic laws so that we can safely cross the street or drive to work without risking death every time. They save lives, risk their own lives, protect us, and make a difference.

Let’s treat them as they deserve, with respect and admiration.

Next time you get pulled over for speeding, be polite. Admit that you made a mistake (this means being honest with yourself too). Apologize to the officer for risking his life and yours just to beat that traffic light and thank him for his time.

Next time you see an officer at the mall, thank him or her for their service. If you see some officers at a restaurant, quietly talk to the manager and pay for their meal without letting them know who you are (but let the manager know to pass along your thanks). If you are part of a local church, how about doing the same thing we did and provide a Christmas Day dinner for those officers in your local precinct. Let’s recognize our modern knights-in-armor.

The lesson here today is this, love your local police officers or get your finger cut off!

Let's Go to the Movies

I love a good story. Since we have no cultural equivalent of the fireside shaman telling stories to the tribe, we must rely on movies.

I love movies. My wife, daughter, and I have quite a collection. I am not sure of their motives, but I love a really good story that excites my imagination and takes me away from it all for just a little while.

I am drawn to the dark heroes, Batman, the Punisher, Boondock Saints. I love the stories of the vigilante, taking justice into his own hands, making things right for others by punishing those that do evil. There are times when I see injustice that I'd like to be one of those guys.

Then, there are my favorites; I love the sweeping epics, great battles with heroes who give their lives for something greater than themselves, Braveheart, Saving Private Ryan, Last of the Mohicans, and theThree Musketeers. Hollywood doesn't do enough of these.

I crave stories of redemption like the Road to Perdition, Pulp Fiction, 3:10 to Yuma, The Unforgiven, Terminator 1 & 2 and the Count De Monte Cristo. These type of stories really hit at the heart of the human condition, sinners searching for atonement.

This leads to the darker side. I really enjoy the Anti-heroes, the guys you cheer on though they are really scoundrels, such as Payback, Oceans 11, Maverick, and Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Sometimes it's fun when the bad guys win, especially when it is other bad guys they are beating out.

Sometimes, I need tales of harsh reality that fit my darker moods, movies like Falling Down, Lord of War, Beyond the Gates, and the City of Joy. I have to be in the mood for these. Sometimes, working in ministry, movies are just a little too real and hit close to home, so I mostly avoid things that pluck too forcefully on the heartstrings.

The new stock of Irreverent Fairy Tales – Shrek, Ella Enchanted, and Hoodwinked are more along my lines than the old Cinderella and Snow White stuff that I get to watch with my daughter.

Also, I am a guy, so there is always a place for the gratuitous destruction and non-stop action of Die Hard (the whole series), Mission Impossible (also the whole series), Conan, and Desperado. There is a line from a movie called, Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human, where the alien observer notes that human women seem to like movies where one person dies really slowly and human men seem to like movies where a lot of people die really quickly.

And finally, let us not forget those movies with no redeeming value except laughter – Blazing Saddles, Dumb & Dumber, Operation Petticoat, Rocket Man and the entire Bob Hope/Bing Crosby On the Road series of movies.

With all of that said, my favorite movie of all time contains the best of all of those characteristics: The Princess Bride.

If you were expecting some deeper message in this post, there isn’t one. I just wanted to talk about movies.

Scars

8^th Grade. Art class. Nail guns and Junior High boys. Disaster waiting to happen.

Day One: Mrs. Hawkins has us doing a project for the upcoming school play. Wisely, she has a few of the more trustworthy students using the nail guns. Definitely not Mike* and Darren*. These are the two class clowns. The classic example of an 8^th grade boys who have an overbalanced testosterone to brain ratio. Mike is a bully, malicious and obnoxious. Darren is his follower, mostly stupid, really ugly, and occasionally mean.

Day Two. Mrs. Hawkins is out sick. The substitute teacher lets Mike and Darren use the nail guns. Mistake Number One. Then, she leaves the room to get more supplies. Mistake Number Two. Mike discovers that if you unplug the nail gun, it retains enough power to shoot the nail out lightly. He proceeds to shoot a nail into the skin on the back of the hand. It has just enough force to enter the skin and hang there. Mike then goes about terrorizing the girls with the nail in his skin. They scream in that high pitched scream as only Junior High girls can. Great fun!

Darren thinks this looks like a lot of fun too, so he places his hand on the table and then places the nail gun on top of his hand. He missed the part about unplugging the nail gun. He pulls the trigger on his nail gun. THWACKKKK! The nail goes through his hand into the table beneath. Now, Darren is screaming in a higher pitch than any of the teen girls. The substitute teacher comes running back into the room, takes one look at Darren’s hand and promptly goes running back out of the room looking sick.

Paramedics are called, the shop teacher pries the nail out, and Darren heads off to the hospital while Mike heads off for a discussion with Vice Principal Niday (not his first such discussion and not his last either). Darren has such a discussion waiting for him when he returns to school.

Darren proudly showed that scar for the rest of the time that I knew him. He was proud of it. He and Mike continued to be punks and bullies and, as far as I know, they probably still are today. I did find a picture of Mike on Facebook. He’s fat, wearing camoflauge, carring a gun and drinking a beer. He still looks like the kind of guy who'd probably beat you up as soon as look at you.

Darren never learned anything from that scar. Scars are supposed to be a reminder of a lesson learned. I find myself incredibly saddened by people who carry their scars around, but never learn anything from them, or worse, learn the wrong lessons from them.

I see this happen regularly. Friends, relatives, acquaintances, people at work (especially my old secular jobs) earn scars that they don’t learn from. These scars are usually emotional and mental, but occasionally physical. Divorce. Family feuds. Arguments with friends. Bad relationship choices. Poor financial decisions. Again and again, they are hurt, and again and again they miss the lesson.

Single moms bring boyfriend after boyfriend into their family lives hurting themselves and damaging their children. I feel worst for their children who never get to see healthy relationships. They will continue that cycle.

Families spend and spend and spend in fits of materialism that leaves them deeper and deeper in debt and working long hours to pay the bills. This often drives a wedge in the marriage and leaves the family broken and bruised. And yet, they keep spending what they don’t have.

Young women give themselves to guy after guy in an effort to find love and companionship. There is a breed of guy who preys on such women. These users and abusers leave emotional and physical scars on these women and the women continue to let them do it.

There are men who ignore their wives and take them for granted. Then, when the woman finally leaves him, he refers to her as the ‘The Old Bitch’ or some similar denigrating reference. He then makes it very clear to anyone and everyone that he meets that marriage is a mistake, never learning that what you put into something directly affects what you get out of it.

These are just a few examples of unlearned scars, scars that are earned, but never learned from.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

Darren probably learned never to shoot himself with a nail gun, but I’m pretty sure that he didn’t learn not to blindly follow Mike. Darren and Mike needed wise counsel in their lives, someone who has been there and learned the right lesson from their scars. We all need that.

It is important to seek out someone wiser and older. This just can’t be anyone. Many people get old and full of scars that they never profited from. Look for someone who has lived well and is still doing so. Seek someone with strong values. Build a relationship and ask them to speak into your life. Learn from their scars and ask them to help you learn the right lessons from yours.

Socrates was credited with saying, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Examine your life. Earn your scars so that you can proudly wear them, so you can point to your scars and say, “This is the lesson I learned from this.” Then someday, you will be able to pass on the same lessons to others.

And, for the record…Don’t shoot a nail gun at your hand.

* names have been changed to protect the stupid

The Problem With Religion

I would argue that religion is addictive by its very nature, leaving the victim with a closed mind, unable to cope with real life. It demeans and belittles people (of other belief systems) often leading to violence and war

Organized religion has brought nothing but death and destruction to humanity since it's inception. ALL religious writings including the Bible, the Koran and the Torah are nothing more than manifestos of intolerance. I am FAR more worried about devout religious people

RELIGION is the true problem. nothing but flocks of brainwashed minions, controlled by old men through fear. cant people see above this nonsense today? think for yourself, people! stop using what was and IS nothing more than a means to control people as a crutch to judge others. Its sickening

News articles on the internet often give the reader a chance to comment and discuss the issues in the article. It seems that each time that I go out on the internet to read an article with any mention of religion, there are broadbrushed, vitriolic attacks against religion that are posted by other readers. Sometimes they are amusing, sometimes they are annoying, and most of the time they are based in ignorance.

The three comments above are not my beliefs or statements. They are real examples of the type of comment that I have seen. The first one is amusing because the author accuses religious people of having closed minds and religion of demeaning and belittling people of other beliefs. The irony is that he is doing that very thing. His post shows him to be closed minded and he is demeaning and belittling people of other belief systems.

The second comment and third comments are funny for the same reason. Number two mentions intolerance as a characteristic of religious writings, but the author’s writing is a perfect example of his or her intolerance of a belief system that doesn’t fit with theirs. And, the last one talks about ‘thinking for yourself’ and ‘control’ but in its very message is trying to get the reader to think his or her way and to control them away from something that he or she doesn’t believe in.

Have there been wars caused by people proclaiming religious reasons? Of course. But, any serious thinker and historic observer would have to take issue with a statement that says, Organized religion has brought nothing but death and destruction to humanity since it’s inception” sic. The truth is quite the opposite in most cases. I wonder if the author of that comment ever stopped to think about why so many hospitals are called Saint Something or Other, or if they have wondered at why so many social relief agencies have a religious affiliation. There are significantly more charities, social relief agencies, family support groups, medical aid groups, and similar helping organizations that are based in religious (especially Judeo-Christian) systems. According to the Social Capital Community Benchmark Survey of 2000, religious people of all types were 91% likely to give money to charity or volunteer where secular people were 67% (non-religious conservatives) and 52% (non-religious liberals). The survey results put this in perspective by noting that people who classify themselves as ‘religious’ make up 33% of the population but are responsible for 52% of donations and 45% of volunteering where those that classify themselves as ‘secular’ make up 26% of the population and are only responsible for 13 percent of charitable donations and 17% of volunteerism. Survey Info

Yes, there are frauds, jerks, charlatans, manipulators, abusers, idiots, fools, degenerates, fiends, and criminals in the church. This is true of any group of people. That’s humanity. That does not mean that all people in that group are that way and it doesn't even mean that most of them are. You won’t catch me saying that all atheists are ignorant, arrogant blowhards that are responsible for the evils of Pol Pot, Stalin, and Hitler. There are plenty of atheists that fall into that category, but that doesn’t mean all of them. I would venture to say most of them are people who just want to live their life as well as they can, but there is the temptation to color the entire group based on the actions of a few.

When you scratch the surface of most of the atheists that I have personally encountered and had discussions with, almost always you will find a person who has been hurt by a dysfunctional church or by an abusive religious person. In my experience, there is rarely much deeper thought than that. Their reaction is based in feeling and not rational thought (the very thing they accuse religious people of).

I grew up without religion. I was never atheist as I found them to be the same as the religious people that I met, universally proclaiming a truth that could not be proved. I was always agnostic as that was a logically defensible position (to this day, I have much respect for agnostics who actively question). I ultimately found God through careful logic and thoughtful deliberation and by meeting reasoned, intellectual Christians who challenged me to open my own mind.

This logic and thought are the reasons for which I take offence at the type of blanket statements made by these authors and so many like them. Their intolerant statements are no different than saying that all black people are criminals, all gay men are pedophiles, all corporate CEO’s are greedy, all southerners are hicks, all women are weak, all Jews are stingy, all lesbians are ugly women, or any other similar statement denigrating an entire group of people based on stereotypes.

Instead of across-the-board condemnation of an entire group of people and belief system, why don’t you get to know some of them (and not just the ones that offended or hurt you). I’d love to sit down with you and have a cup of coffee while we discuss ideas, heck, I’ll even buy your cup for you. I’d be honored to go serve lunches to the homeless at St. Vincent de Paul with you. Let’s fundraise together and raise money for Rapha House. Come see real, intellectually sound, faith in action. It’s hard to be hateful and antagonistic towards people that you’ve actually gotten to know and have worked alongside. But, I warn you…it might actually make you think. It might even change your mind.

That is, unless you are an intolerant, brainwashed, close-minded, victim unable to cope with real life who demeans and belittles people for their beliefs.

P.S. – my offer in the second to last paragraph above is very real. If you take issue with my religion then I invite you (heck, I dare you) to sit down with me, to serve others with me, or to attend a church service with me and then have lunch afterwards to discuss it. I’ll buy the coffee or pay for the lunch. I’m open-minded, are you?

Wisdom of the Ages

You accumulate a large amount of wisdom in life, if you just pay attention. Some of this is very deep, but much of it is mundane. For example, it doesn’t take long to learn that it hurts to touch a hot stove burner or that throwing yourself backwards while having a temper tantrum just hurts you and makes you even more mad. Both of these are learned at a very young age. The longer you live, the deeper and harder the lessons are.

I have been reading Proverbs in the Bible. This is a book of wisdom passed from father to son and from king to successor. There is some great stuff in there and some funny stuff that you just know there is a story behind. I realized that it is important to pass on life wisdom. So, I’ve decided to put down the life wisdom that I learned. None of this is the deep stuff and none of it is the mundane. The following life lessons fall in between somewhere, but I promise you that all involve a painful lesson.

Life lessons that I would like to pass on:

When you are powdering an infant’s bottom, be sure that there isn’t a fan on in the room. This is especially important if the fan is aimed at you.

When carrying several gallons of paint through the church office, be sure that the handles are not loose. An additional lesson here is that latex paint cleans up well and even comes out of carpet if you jump into action immediately. And, the pastor won't find out about it until years later when you tell him.

When your mom says, “don’t play swords with sticks, you can put your eye out”…She is right. And, pulling large wooden splinters out of your eye hurts a lot. Eye patches are cool for awhile, though.

When seasoning a cast-iron pan, do not try to speed things up by spraying PAM on it while it is still extremely hot. Also, when you put out the kitchen fire, be sure to get out of the room for awhile so you don’t breathe too much smoke.

If you are going to ask a girl to go steady with you, be sure that you aren’t wearing roller skates at the time. Also, falling on your rear when she says ‘yes’ is no way to look cool.

Playing tug-of-war with a group of college age guys is fun, but broken tailbones take months to heal and are excruciatingly painful.

When your dad says you can light the grill for the first time by yourself and runs inside to get matches…don’t dump the rest of the bottle of lighter fluid on the coals because you don’t think he put enough on. It is important to note that eyebrows and the front part of your hair take a little while to grow back.

If you are riding your bicycle up a steep hill and think it might be cool to ride up the ramp into the back of a trailer, try to remember that a 50 degree angle + a 30 degree angle = a 80 degree angle which is a bit much to expect to be able to pedal up at a slow pace. By the way, landing on your back in a bike crash knocks the wind out of you.

When running to catch a bus at dusk, don’t take a shortcut behind a grocery store, jumping over a short 2 foot high retaining wall. The other side of the wall is the low end of the loading dock and is six feet lower. A further lesson here is that you can’t run to catch the bus anymore when you have twisted your ankles.

If the woman in the upstairs apartment says she is moving out of state and is selling every piece of furniture in the apartment, don’t buy anything. When the sheriff comes with the rent-to-own store employee a week later after she calls them to tell them where to pick up the stuff, they’ll just take the stuff away from you and you can’t do anything about it.

If you’ve had a little too much to drink last night, don’t let your friend mix macaroni, tuna casserole, and cream of mushroom soup and microwave it for breakfast. Urrrp.

If you are the chubby, nerdy kid in ninth grade and a star player on the football team asks you to tutor him, take advantage of the opportunity. Who knows, maybe there will come a time when a bully has threatened to beat you up after school and a certain star player on the football team beats him up and throws him into a barb wire fence for you.

The newspaper should not publish warnings about the dangers of mixing certain household chemicals when there is a chance that a teenage boy can read those warnings. Also, mixing pool chlorine and a certain automotive fluid does cause instant and intense fire which will burn your friend’s hand. Please note that I did not list which automotive fluid.

Encouraging a friend to put a bunch of salt in his older brother’s brand new coffee pot will get him in trouble. Salt does not come out of a brand new coffee pot once it has gotten inside the works.

Ford Aspires do not take turns well on sandy roads in the middle of nowhere. Yes, time does seem to slow down when in an accident and you can watch an airbag slowly unfold in front of you (even though it is going several hundred miles per hour). Yes, it hurts a lot to have the skin rubbed off of your face and your nose broken by the airbag. A lot.

When you are locked out on a balcony at a hotel and you think that it isn’t that far to drop down to the pool deck; you are wrong. It is much, much farther than you thought and, as I said before, getting the wind knocked out of you is no fun at all. Also, the pool deck entrance door is locked from the inside because the pool is closed for cleaning, so you are still trapped, but now you are in pain too.

When public speaking, always check if your fly is zipped, your tie is clean, and your suit-jacket is not buttoned in the wrong holes.

On your first day at a job, do not have lunch anywhere that you might possibly get food poisoning. Explosively vomiting on yourself, the carpet, and the restroom door is not the way to impress your new boss. However, a good dry cleaner can get puke out of a suit.

If you feel it necessary to comment on a person parking in a handicap space who is not handicapped, be sure to check first to see if the person is built like a linebacker and ready to beat the hell out of the person commenting on them parking in that space.

When you are playing on a frozen creek with your friend, do not push him out onto the deep part where there is still water flowing; it just isn’t as funny as you thought it’d be as you are trying to pull him out of the icy water. Also, it takes an eternity to run back to the house through the snow, while you are soaking wet.

If you are in the back of the band room leaning on the backs of chair during band practice and your best friend kicks the chair legs out from under one of the other guys, making him fall to the floor... Don't laugh. Trust me on this one. The band director will look back and see your best friend (who caused all the ruckus) helping the fallen guy up and he will see you laughing. Who will he think did it? That's right - one free ticket to the office for you.

If you are an agnostic or atheist arguing about the Bible, be sure that you don’t argue with a pastor who knows what he is talking about and is highly educated or he might just make you look like a complete fool as he uses logic and facts to disassemble every argument you’ve ever used.. Then again, that’s why I am now a pastor, so go ahead and do it.

These are just a few of the many life lessons that I have learned. I invite you to comment and share any life lessons that you have learned.