His Name Was Al - The Full Story

The flame that I lit
in Al's memory.

This past Sunday, our church held an All Saints Celebration to remember those friends and family that we knew who walked on our life Journey with us and have passed on.  I shared in my sermon about Pastor Al who shared Christ with me. 

Click Here to Visit the MVCC Monday Morning Bible Blog Where You Can Here the Sermon and the Whole Service for All Saint's Celebration.

Here is the full story:

I did not grow up with religion.  My parents had briefly gone to the Jehovah’s Witnesses around the time I was seven or eight years old, but that stopped quickly and I never really went to church after that.  I grew up with a bent towards debate and argument.  This was not the gentle sort of argument but an arrogant and self-assured idea that I was right about everything, and you’d better agree or I would pound you into submission with all the arguments I could muster.

This only got worse as I got out of High School and went into college for the first time.  I thoroughly enjoyed tweaking religious people's noses in arguments.  I pretty much always believed in a Creator, but never knew who he/she/it/they could be.  I did a lot of research, reading the major religious 'bibles' and reading about religions, but never believed any of them - generally because of major inconsistencies in their belief systems and the way I saw the believers act.

During college, I worked part time at a bank and ultimately ended up staying there as a department manager.  One of my employees was a Christian named Judy and was the wife of a pastor.  Judy good-naturedly began talking to me about Christ.  Though I usually got into knock-down/drag-out arguments with people who tried to evangelize me, I liked Judy and so I discussed it with her on several occasions.  Though I am sure that my outlook on religion was frustrating for her, she was honest and open about mistakes of the Church and that impressed me.  During one of our many conversations, I was frustrating Judy again and she suddenly stopped and said, "One day, God is gonna get you and when He does, He is going to use you for some great work.  He might even make you a pastor."  I laughed.  But I never forgot her saying that.

When my fiancé and I were looking to get married, Judy’s husband Al was the only pastor that I knew, so we asked him to perform the ceremony.  At the same time, we began visiting a local church to find out about renting the facility. 

Pastor Al said he would agree to perform the ceremony, only after we had pre-marital counseling.  We agreed to meet with him.  I had my doubts because I figured that he would use this opportunity to ‘cram religion down my throat’ (what a silly concept,  but that’s what I thought).  I was ready for him, I had all my arguments marshaled and was ready to fight.

On the first night of pre-marriage counselling, Pastor Al didn’t talk a lot about religion, but asked us many questions about ourselves and our relationship.  He ended the evening by telling us that he would not perform the ceremony because Becky and I had such disparate belief systems that would eventually tear us apart.  I left angry and my wife-to-be left in tears.  At her urging, called him back the next day to talk about it.  I asked if we could meet again and said I was willing to listen.  He agreed and we all went out to a restaurant for dinner and discussion.  My wife Becky and his wife Judy sat there all night saying almost nothing as Al and I talked it out.

I lead the conversation off by telling him that I didn’t want his religion because the Bible was full of errors and Christians were a bunch of hypocrites.  He smiled and picked up a Bible that he had on the seat and slid it across the table to me.  “Errors, huh?, show me one,” he said, looking right through me with a stern but amused stare.  I knew several off the top of my head, but didn’t know where to find them.  I never needed to in the past; all the other Christians I’d met crumbled when I started listing them. 

We closed down that restaurant that night.  We talked until they made us leave.  He answered every question I had, dealt with every argument logically, and challenged my thinking.  He admitted when he didn’t have all the answers and he too talked about the mistakes that the church has made in the past.  When we left that night, he agreed to meet again and reconsider the wedding.

Al ultimately did perform the ceremony for us, though I wasn’t a Christian.  It was several more years of study and questioning before I became a Christian.  Judy was right, though, once God got a hold on my, He hasn’t let go.  He has used me for many things, some great and some small, and I believe that He has more in store.   Judy was right about one other thing… I am a pastor now. 

Thank you Al and Judy. 

Postscript:  Pastor Al passed away in 2006 and I never got to tell him, “Thank You” in person.  Though it saddens me and fills me with regret, I live with the promise that one day I will see him again and be able to tell him then.

Rodger

Ten Ways to be Better Wife

Ten Ways to be a Better Wife

Co-authored by my wife: Rebecca Loar

Just like husbands, wives are often portrayed negatively by Hollywood too. They are nags, shrews, and desperate housewives. It takes two to tango, so the wife needs to engage in improvement too. I wouldn’t have dared to undertake this project unless my wife was involved. You’d have to be a brave (or stupid) man to tell a woman where she can improve.

Again, I invite you, the reader, to comment and make suggestions of your own, so that we can improve together.

1. Guy Romantic and Girl Romantic are different – The first three Christmas presents were sweaters. Three years in a row! Epic Wife Fail!!! She thought they were nice and thought it was romantic to clothe her man. Three problems here: First, I’m a big guy and generate plenty of body heat on my own, so a sweater really becomes a sweat-er. I don’t need to be any warmer. Second, I’ve never worn sweaters, I’m not a sweater kind of guy. Fat guys in sweaters are the stuff of jokes. Finally, I was hoping for something cool, and sweaters just ain’t cool. Finally, after three years of seeing my tepid reaction upon opening my present (I’m a rotten actor), she asked me. I told her I was hoping for something cool. We discussed tools, flashlights, guns, and knives versus sweaters, cards, and such. My recommendation is find out what your man likes and buy in that area. If you aren’t sure, ask him. Or, get him a gift card to his favorite store. By the way, she got me a pair of robo-grip pliers the next year. Booyah!
2. Don’t Emasculate Your Man – You married a man, let him be a man. Don’t emasculate him. I mean that both literally and figuratively. I hate to see women who dominate their husbands, yelling at him, belittling him, treating him like a child. Henpecking is a form of abuse no different than a man who bullies his wife. Often, the man allows it because he doesn’t want to cause problems in the relationship, but the truth is, the relationship is unhealthy unless both parties are equal.
3. Give Him Time with Friends – It really is OK if he has a poker night, goes to a ball game, or goes to hang out with the guys. I don’t recommend strip clubs, but that’s for a much different issue. Occasionally, wives have issues with their men spending time with anyone but her. Trust me, if you give him some guy time, he’ll be back to give you some wife time. And, quite frankly, you don’t want to do the gross things that men do.
4. He needs a Man Cave – Give him a space of his own that you don’t decorate. Whether he is a car guy and wants the garage or he just wants to be able to watch the Cardinals lose without having to move fluffy pillows from his chair; he will appreciate the space. Workshops, computer desks, game rooms, or dens are acceptable versions of this. Let him put up a deer head or a bunch of baseball action figures (if he’s into such juvenile games as baseball). Every guy has a junior high boy inside him, so give him a place to let that out.
5. Look Nice for Him – chances are, you aren’t a supermodel. That’s OK, he’s probably not Hugh Jackman, either. You can still look nice for him. Now, I’m not talking about vacuuming the floor in high heels and pearls, it’s not 1952. But, if he likes your long hair down (and he does), wear it down for him. Dress in things that flatter your shape. Wear that low cut blouse just for him. Lingerie is a good idea once in awhile too, just make sure it isn’t too complicated. Throw it on the ground when you try it on in the store; that’s what it will look like five minutes after you put it on anyway.
6. Remember He Has Problems Too – and, he may not tell you about them all. Men are culturally taught to be strong. This often translates into holding stuff inside. Let him know you want to share with him, but don’t pressure him constantly about it. Give him space and time. This becomes especially important when he has faced loss, such as death of someone close to him, job loss or demotion, or other similar stresses.
7. Let Him be a Father – Men play with children differently than women do. This is a fact. Psychologists think that this is important in child development. So, let him rough house a little. If he has to wear a bandana over his nose to change diapers, that’s ok.
8. Respect Him – Marriage counselors will tell you that women value security and men value respect. I have found this to be very true. If you treat your man as a child, if you put down his job, if you go around him to others for help, he will feel the lack of respect and that will cause resentment. Respect him as part of your love.
9. Let Him Fix Things – There aren’t any more dragons to slay. As a man, you aren’t called on to fight with swords or rescue maidens. So let him be a knight. Men tend to be oriented towards fixing problems where women tend to get more out of sharing them. This is a common area of stress in marriages. If he has suggestions on how to fix something, consider it. Encourage him to listen to you, too, but still let him fix some things. You could also give him a sword as a present. Refer to item # 1 above.
10. Pray For Him –Pray for him to be the man he needs to be. Pray for him to do well in his job. Pray for him to be uplifted and encouraged. Pray for his confidence. Pray for his relationship with you. Pray that he doesn’t cut his finger off when working with knives (my wife forgot to do this one, so it’s her fault). Pray for him daily. Let him know that you pray for him. This kind of quiet support feels good.

Wives and husbands are different. I believe that God created us that way for a reason. Whatever His reason, it makes for some very interesting times and a roller coaster of love. It is said that when women look in a mirror, the see every flaw and focus on it, while men look in a mirror and find their best single quality and focus on that. For men, scratching and grunting are a valid form of communication and it is entirely possible for us to sit on the couch and not be thinking of anything. Stereotypes aside, wives must realize that their husbands are different from them down to the chromosomal level. So, if you want him to be the best husband he can be, you have to try to be the best wife you can be.

This post is Number 3 in a series of Ten Top Ten Lists on improving yourself. This series will be posted daily.

Tomorrow: Ten Ways to Be a Better Parent

Ten Ways to Be a Better Husband

I get annoyed by Hollywood and Television portrayals of husbands. Really annoyed. Invariably, we are portrayed as ignorant ogres and arrogant buffoons, that is, if we are portrayed at all. Yes, there are far too many men who abandon their families, but there are also good husbands out there. Here are some ideas on how to be a good husband. Again, I invite you as the reader to participate and add suggestions of your own so we can learn together.

1. Turn off the game – I’m sorry, but this has to be number one. If your wife is a sports widow, it’s time to shut off the Television and go spend time with her. The Cardinals are going to lose whether you are watching or not and you can pick it up in the sports pages tomorrow. Do you really have to watch every game, every Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday? Really. Ask yourself if the outcome of a game really has any long term effect on anything important in life. Here is the answer: No. It doesn’t. Men who neglect their families in order to spend every available free minute watching a game (or working on their car, manicuring their lawn, playing golf, etc. etc. etc.) need to readjust their priorities. 60 years from now as you lie on your death bed, will you really care about the outcome of the 1972 Superbowl? Or, will you be thinking about the smile your son gave you as you first taught him how to ride a bike or the hug your daughter gave you right before you walked her down the aisle, or the look of joy on your wife’s face as you took her out to her favorite restaurant and asked her to marry you again for your 25^th wedding anniversary. The truth is, any one of those moments is worth a thousand ball games and you only get them by being a part of their lives. And, just think, 60 years from now on your deathbed, the Cardinals STILL won’t have won a Super Bowl.
2. Be smooshy – That’s right. Be Smooshy. Sorry to use such deep, intellectual and technical words, but this is important. If you want to have an incredible marriage, do sweet little smooshy, goofy things for your wife that you wouldn’t want anyone else to know you do. Trust me, you won’t lose your man card for this one. Write a little love note to her and hide it in her briefcase. Make her breakfast in bed. Buy her a card and write something nice to remember your first time making love. Give her a day at the spa while you take the kids out for some time with them. Whisper silly love phrases in her ear in the middle of a large group of people so that just you and she can hear. Be Silly. Be Fun. Be Goofy. No one else has to know and these things are better than diamonds.
3. Touch her – Now, I’m not talking about sex here. I’m talking about taking the inside of her arm and stroking it or giving her a neckrub while she is doing dishes. Put your hand on her back in a public place so she knows your with her. Rest your hand on her knee when sitting together on the couch. Hold hands. Hug. Snuggle. Kiss her ear. Yes, you can even touch her breasts too, just don't spend all of your time there. Do these things regularly and not just to get sex. Let her know she is adored.
4. Sit on the floor – this is more for arguments, but I can share this one from personal experience. Men are usually larger than their wives, with deeper voices, and more dominant presence. When you have a discussion, sit on the floor below the couch or bed where she is. This shows humility and keeps you from looming over her. This really works, especially if your wife is short. Don't forget to pick up the dust bunnies while you are down there.
5. Remember things – There is no excuse for forgetting anniversaries or her birthday. Use the calendar in your phone or on your computer. Write it down. Get her a nice present days in advance, don’t just run out and buy flowers at 7-11 on the way home from work. Forgetting her name is really bad.
6. Date – Like you did when you met, date her. Woo her for the rest of your life. Take her on dates regularly, even if it is just a picnic on a blanket at home. Don’t lose that lovin feelin. Take her chocolates on the way home from work.
   
7. Tell her she is beautiful – The pastor who did our pre-marital counseling told me something very wise: “Whether you treat her like she is beautiful or treat her like she is a nag…She will be.” Tell your wife she is beautiful regularly. Tell her you love her all the time. Listen to the song “If tomorrow never comes” by Garth Brooks and apply it to your marriage.
8. Let her tell you about her day – This falls under the category of listening. When you come home, remember, she has had a day too. It doesn’t matter if she works outside the home or raises the children, ask how her day was and listen. Interject appropriate comments, approval, sympathy, surprise, disgust (napalm diapers) etc. Let her know it matters to you. Then, don't turn around and tell her, "That's nothing, wait till you hear about my day!"
9. Go to church together – This one is pretty important. If you share a faith together, you will have a much stronger marriage. This is more than just statistics, it is about your hearts. If you are both going the same direction, the journey together has meaning. Plus, you can snuggle in the pew.
10. Always build her up in front of others – This goes along with telling her that she is beautiful. Never waste the chance to build her up in front of others. When the other guys are groaning about going home to the old bitch, let them know you look forward to going home to your wife. Want to make some real points, build her up in front of her girl friends. Send flowers to her work instead of giving them to her in private. When you pick her up from a friend’s house, be sure to kiss her and tell her she’s beautiful. Encourage her, build her up, treat her like she is important to you.

After fourteen years of marriage, I’m no expert. But, I have learned this much…It’s the little things that count. I love my wife and I want a lifetime together. I’d rather have a lifetime of happiness and sweet memories with her than a bitter, miserable relationship that drags us both down. I know that I have a choice in making one of those two thing happen.

I love you my beautiful Becky and vow to always try to be the best husband I can for you. I love you more today than I did 14 years ago.

This post is Number 2 in a series of Ten Top Ten Lists on improving yourself. This series will be posted daily.

Tomorrow – Ten Ways to Be a Better Wife (We'll see if I survive this one)

It Doesn't Just Happen

WARNING – The contents of this blog will be offensive to some people. If you can’t handle graphic comments then please don’t read the following. If you choose to read, please don’t comment that you find the statements distasteful, we are going for total honesty here. Adults Only!

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This whole thing with Tiger Woods and his plethora of mistresses has started to fade away, but the commentary continues. I have nothing personal against Tiger, but I do decry the choices that he made. What bothers me about Tiger, John Edwards, Mark Sanford, Jim McGreevy, Bill Clinton and others is the statements that they make after the fact. There is a sense that, “It just happened” or, “I made a mistake.”

The truth is, infidelity of this sort does NOT just happen. There is a quote from the TV Show Friends that applies here; “What did you mean to stick it in, her purse?” These men did not just walk down the street, stumble against a pretty girl and accidentally copulate.

A recent article talked about people in online worlds such as Second Life having entire second lives including an online ‘spouse.’ There are divorces that occur because one spouse has met someone else on the internet and fallen in love with them. Office romances occur when you work lots of hours with someone and grow close to them. All of these are choices that lead to infidelity.

Fidelity in marriage comes from daily choices to love your spouse and to rebuff others. Having a faithful marriage is never an accident. Neither is adultery. The simple truth is that being married does not turn off your libido. There is no doubt about it, sex is fun and you will desire to have sex with people who are not your spouse. You will be emotionally and sexually attracted to other people in your life. The question is, will you make the choices and take the steps that moves you away from them, towards your spouse or will you choose to move towards them and threaten the destruction of your marriage.

When any of these men were in the act of having sex with their mistresses, they were in a position (no pun intended) that they chose. What’s more, they had already made a hundred choices to get to that point and at any point they could have come to their senses and chosen to reverse the process. They chose to continue spending time with the person after they were attracted to her. They chose to say, “yes” to going out with her. They chose to go back to a private place with her. They chose to get physical with her. And they chose to do the deed. They could have chosen at any time to get out of bed, pull up their pants, put the cigar away, and driven away. But they chose the momentary pleasure of getting their rocks off over the long term joy of a faithful marriage.

Sex is NOT a bad thing. Frankly it is an amazing gift from God. I am personally a fan (I’ll bet there is a Facebook Fan Page for it. But, sleeping around cheapens sex and ruins relationships. Every time you do it with someone, you lose a little of yourself…unless, that person is your spouse and it is part of a healthy marriage relationship, then you gain a little every time. Genesis 2:24-25 paints a clear and beautiful picture of how God meant it to be: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” Naked and Unashamed: that's how you close you are supposed to be with your spouse, not with anyone else.

If these men had chosen to invest as much time, energy, attention, and romance with their wives as they spent on their mistresses, then I guarantee that they wouldn’t have needed the mistress for a sexual outlet. It’s amazing how much a marriage can recover with time and attention and how much it can be destroyed by infidelity. Rarely do marriages recover from infidelity. This is the worst betrayal that can happen. When you make the choices that lead to this, it is not an accident and it is inexcusable. Please don’t make it worse by making excuses about how it “just happened.” Make the choice ahead of time that this behavior is unacceptable. Make the choice to daily love your spouse and to refuse all others.

You have my permission to go have sex with your spouse now. Everyone else should go take a cold shower.

P.S. Honey, I'll be home early tonight.

Man of Steel?

I have long had a working theory of life that says, ‘women are much stronger than men.’ I have seen this born out again and again in other people. It flies in the face of Victorian thinking of women as ‘the fairer sex.’ This last week, it was brought to life in a very real way for me.

I observed this from an early age. Whenever someone died in our community, there was a machine that began moving. Women came around each other, cooking meals, comforting each other, dropping kids off at school, and cleaning house for the hurting family. The men always seemed to hang out in another room laughing and joking, however, even from an early age, I saw the tightness around their eyes and the speed to anger during these times. They never faced the pain and never dealt with the loss.

When I was first out of high school, I worked for a time as an apprentice to a blacksmith. One thing I learned about steel is that if you expose it over time to heat in a process called annealling, the steel is stronger because it is flexible. But, if you take steel and suddenly heat it and suddenly cool it, it becomes brittle and will break or shatter.

As I have grown, especially since working in ministry, I have observed this more and more in people. Women are like willows along a river bank, bending in the wind, supporting each other through intertwined branches. Men try to stand alone against troubles and end up breaking when it becomes too much. Obviously, there is some generalization to this, but I can say that experience has shown me that this is more true than not.

There is a reason that you see many more single moms than single dads. This could be the reason that many widowers follow their wives into the grave within a few months, but many widows continue on for years. It likely has some bearing on the difference in life expectancy for men versus women.

As a husband and dad, the hardest thing for me is to see my wife or daughters hurting. I want to take the pain away, to protect them, no matter what it takes. I would walk through broken glass, run through fire, or stand in the way of a bullet to save any one of them. I have long been a man who could handle emergencies, keeping a cool head when others lose theirs, seeing the route out of trouble and directing others when the going gets rough.

But, what do I do when the chips are on the table and there is nothing I can do to affect the outcome? How do I deal with that place where physical strength and mental knowledge are useless to make a difference. What happens when it is my wife or child on the line and there isn’t anything I can do about it? That’s where I find my breaking point.

This last week, I watched my wife show a strength beyond what I ever realized that she had. She had practiced pregnancy exercises, relaxation techniques, pushing past pain. Together we educated ourselves on the issues of birth and pregnancy and made choices on the care and medical intervention that we wanted. When it came time for labor and delivery, she heroically faced 26 hours of intensifying contractions without medications that might harm the baby. She handled it well.

We had two ladies with us who handled it all well too. Zabrina, our doula stayed through the whole experience, supporting, encouraging, and educating us. Our dear friend Kris was also there, helping out, timing contractions, and encouraging Becky.

I handled it well too. I was there for the education and practice (not to mention the conception). I exhorted her, encouraged her, and took care of her. I prayed with her, rubbed her back, talked her through the pain, told her how beautiful she was, held her hand, and brushed her hair. I stayed strong, buoyed by her example. If she could handle the pain well, then I could walk by her side and help her through it.

That was all well and good until the circumstances were taken out of our hands. After 19 hours, she was dilated 9 cm and almost there, but six hours later, there was still no change and the contractions were not strengthening to push the baby out. Her blood pressure was getting dangerously high and she was weakening. Two doctors were in conflict as to what to do. One suggested Pitocyn to increase the contractions. Our doctor was called and he said that could be very dangerous, possibly hurting the baby or my wife because he believed the baby was stuck (shoulder dystocia). As they began to discuss the risks and dangers to both mom and baby...

I broke.

I have known two men who went home from the hospital as single fathers of a brand new born baby with no wife due to death during or after delivery. It still happens.

The combination of being awake for 40 hours and physically and emotionally charged for 26 of those hours had stripped away any defenses that I had.

I broke.

I laid down with my wife and held her, wanting to protect her to take the damage on myself.

I broke.

The nurses and doctors came and went, but I wasn’t much use.

I broke.

Fortunately, my wife stayed strong and helped make the decisions. Fortunately, Zabrina and Kris stayed strong and helped through those important moments. Fortunately the doctor and the nurses did their duty well. My beautiful wife and my lovely new daughter are safe and healthy.

I recognize the truth of male weakness in this area. I’m not sure what lesson to take away from it all, I can only share my observations at this point.

From now on, I hope that all I have to face involves easy stuff like bullets, flames, and broken glass. These I can handle. Just like Lois Lane to Superman and Mary Jane to Spiderman, the women in my life are my greatest strength and greatest weakness. I'm just glad that I have such a tough wife who is able to leap tall buildings and stop trains with her bare hands.

Thank you Becky, Thank you Zabrina, Thank you Kris, Thank you Dr. Holeman and most importantly, Thank you dear Lord.

Ten Things in the Bible that People Always Seem to Get Wrong

Ten Things in the Bible That People Always Seem to Get Wrong

Whether it is cultural bias, twisting scripture to prove their own selfish points, or good old fashioned ignorance, there are some scriptures that people always seem to get wrong. Here are ten of the most common:

Number 10: Cleanliness is next to Godliness. Mom loved to quote scripture to get you to clean behind your ears. The problem is, it ain’t in the Bible.

Number 9: God helps those who help themselves. Nope, that ain’t in there either.

Number 8: Judge not, lest ye be judged. Matthew 7:1-5. I’ve included this in other lists. This is not an instruction forbidding wise judgment, but an instruction against hypocrisy.

Number 7: The entire book of Revelation. Lots of people read parts of this book and then figure that they know how it’s all going to end and how God is coming back. They see black helicopters and marching soldiers and the Antichrist in everybody from Hitler to Saddam Hussein to Barack Obama.

Number 6: Health & Wealth Gospel. Flip on channel 21 and chances are you’ll see someone telling you that if you have just enough faith, then God will make you rich and healthy and happy. That’s great, but that isn’t in the Bible. O, they will take various scriptures such as Isaiah 53:5 or Matthew 7:7-8 to prove their point, but only by twisting the original meaning and ignoring verses like Luke 18:18-23, 1Timothy 6:9-11 (see below) and John 15:19-20.

Number 5: 1Timothy 6:9-11 Money is the root of all evil. Actually, the verse says, that the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. Hmmmm Enron, Bernie Madoff, our current mortgage crisis…. It’s almost as if God knew what He was talking about!

Number 4: Matthew 18:19-20. Where three or more are gathered in my name, I am there with them. This is used in a lot of beautiful communion meditations to say that God is present when we meet together for fellowship. It is also used as a health and wealth scripture. But, if you take this back to Matthew 18:15-20, then you see he is speaking about discipline for those who are refusing correction, specifically, someone who has sinned against a brother and then is recalcitrant about fixing it.

Number 3: Thou shalt not kill. Another verse that everyone seems to know in the King James. It is actually a law against murder, not all killing. A soldier doing his job is not covered by this law. A person using deadly force to defend their life or the life of another is not covered by this. A police officer or an executioner doing their duty are not covered by this.

Number 2: 1Timothy 2:11-13 Women don’t serve in church. I have, at times, run into people (mostly women, believe it or not) who don’t believe that women should serve in church, speak in church, or do anything else that might smack of leadership or teaching because of this scripture. In doing so, they disregard Mary, Phoebe, Priscilla, Lydia, Junia, Deborah, Esther, and a whole mess of other ladies in the Bible who did serve God, who did lead God’s people, who did teach, preach, prophesy, etc.

Number 1: Speaking of gender issues. Ephesians 5:22-24. Wives must submit to their husbands or else!!! This verse has been used countless times as an excuse for an overbearing jerk of a husband to beat his wife, dominate her, and/or control her life. Conveniently, he will always skip Ephesians 5:21 and Ephesians 5:25-29. Men are actually held to a much higher standard of submission to their wives in these verses.

Tomorrow: Ten Books of the Bible that are Worth Your Time to Read

War Stories

I take my own life in my hands to write this blog entry, but there are times when you have to stand up and share the truth though it endangers your very life. I risk upsetting the most dangerous and unpredictable of human beings…

The pregnant woman.

There is no more deadly beast.

Pregnancy seems to be a right-of-passage for women, without which, other women who have been through it don’t consider you “woman-enough.” As a man, I watch as a disinterested, uninvolved party; I am the narrator on the Discovery channel watching another species, trying to understand the unusual behavior that they are observing.

It is interesting to watch the herd behavior when a young woman becomes pregnant. She shares, with excitement, the amazing news that she will now be involved in the miracle of life. The matriarchs of the herd begin to gather around this new pregnant woman shaking their heads, moving into place as part of an amazing and unusual instinct.

Each woman takes her turn in a carefully orchestrated ritual, as old as time itself: the telling of war stories. First, one woman tells her story of pain and horror, speaking of hours of labor, blood, sweat, and pain. She is usually the youngest, the most recently pregnant, and the one who has little experience in telling her story.

Then, the next woman goes, telling a slightly worse tale, each woman topping the previous story. Somehow, by instinct, they know where there story fits among the others so that each has a turn increasing the terror of the poor new mother. They put Navy Seals to shame as they recount their tales of tearing of flesh, muscles cramping, screams of pain, and blood gushing.

Finally, the last woman, the one with the most gruesome story takes her turn. Any men who may have stayed for a story or two have long since run away in squeamish shock and revulsion. We just aren’t strong enough to take this kind of pain. The new mother is beginning to look green and is reconsidering whether she wants to be part of this awful experience. This final story will be the worst of all, a tale of woe that would terrify the stoutest of hearts. With relish and a careful use of all of the dramatic storytelling tools, this final Queen of the Matriarch shares her account of struggle in the trenches of the birthing room. Nothing is left hidden, all is fair game. Bodies are torn apart, deep scars are left, death is approached. Listeners are left bereft of hope, shell-shocked with fear and emotional exhaustion.

You have to wonder why anyone would go through this, and yet most of these women have more than one child.

As a man, I have observed this behavior time and time again. I have to wonder why they don’t encourage each other. “It’s hard, and it will hurt, but you’ll make it through, we did.” It’s no wonder that so many women have epidurals despite the potential for harm to both mother and baby.

Maybe someone could suggest to these women that there is a better way.

Of course the narrator on the discovery channel never sits down with a group of lionesses to suggest a better way of finding food.

I’m not brave enough or stupid enough to challenge a group of moms. I know they can smell fear.

I think I’ll just stick to observation from the jeep.

Eavesdropping

7:00 am. Sitting in an almost empty classroom with several other students trying to study for a Biology midterm in half an hour. Two young girls in their late teens sitting somewhere behind me begin talking.

“My boyfriend asked me to marry him, says Girl 1.

“You’re not gonna do it are ya,” says asks Girl 2

“Na, Marriages fail over half the time and I just don’t want to go through that, I just wanna move in, that way, when it doesn’t work out, no one gets hurt,” replies Girl 1.

“Makes sense,” observes Girl 2

I try to continue focusing on my upcoming Biology test, but my brain hurts from the incredible lack of thought contained in that short conversation. These poor girls are a product of their generation, but it still pains me that they have learned so many wrong lessons so young.

Even worse, Girl 1 will be living a self-fulfilling prophesy. She will experience marriage failure and relationship breakups because she wrongly believes that life just happens to you and there is nothing you can do about it.

It saddens me that she will probably give her heart to man after man, losing a little bit each time a relationship dies. Living together married or unmarried; broken relationships destroy a little bit of your heart each time, ultimately leaving you cold and cynical.

I wanted to tell these girls that it doesn’t have to be this way. A lifetime commitment is still possible, even in this day and age. It just takes the right tools.

I didn’t say anything to these girls, but I should have. I’m not sure they would have listened or even appreciated the input, considering I was eavesdropping on their conversation.

This is a cultural issue in America today. We don’t take marriage seriously enough. I just listened to the interview with Kate from John and Kate plus Eight. She was speaking about how people change, about how she meant her vows back when she said them, but things are different now. It is as if she was completely helpless to events unfolding.

Study after study has shown how important a stable marriage is to the mental and physical health of the couple as well as to the mental, physical, and emotional health of any children involved. We must take this seriously as a society.

Marriage must not be a lark, something you jump into because of giddy feelings of puppy love. It must involve some work by both parties as well as families and friends supporting them. If you are considering marriage, get educated, get premarital counselling. Observe your spouse-to-be around their family and friends. If you don't like something about them at that time, they won't change after the wedding. After the marriage, join a married couples group and talk out the issues before they get personal. Marriage is fun, but it does take work. The tools are out there, we just need to unpack the toolbox.

My wife and I have committed to not end up like our parents. Over thirteen years, we have been in married couples groups, worked through personal studies, gotten counseling, and continually renewed our commitments to each other and to God.

We have watched many of our fellow couples follow a similar pattern and succeed. We have also watched many others give in to selfishness, boredom, dishonesty, and lack of effort. They aren’t together any more.

It can be done.

I wish I had spoken to those two girls. Someone needs to spread messages of hope.

Two Movies

This weekend, I watched two movies that are worth comment. Life just isn’t like the movies. Usually. But, sometimes, they mirror real life in a way that can be exquisitely raw.

The first movie that I saw was ‘Last Kiss.’ It was a date night movie for my wife and I. Earlier in the week, we were at Wally World, getting new shoes for my daughter. After about a half an hour looking at shoes and realizing that the girls weren’t anywhere near done, I wandered over to the $3 movie bin. (Hey, if a man can’t spend $3 on a movie for his wife, what’s this world coming to?) I found this movie that billed itself as a romantic comedy and it had the guy from ‘Scrubs’ in it, a show my wife likes. What could go wrong?

Everything.

This movie is agonizingly close to reality. It is a movie about relationships, broken ones. It was not the ‘romantic comedy’ that it billed itself as. No, this movie is about the destruction of relationships. Marriages fell apart, relationships were destroyed, parents fought over their children. There was infidelity and dysfunctional relationships right and left. I've seen far to many destroyed relationships of close friends and people I care about, to appreciate this movie.

Save your $3 and buy your wife a big chocolate candy bar.

I would recommend this movie to one group of people. I believe that I might just send it back to my old Bible college to the counseling department. It should be a class assignment: each student must take one of the characters and describe the process for counseling this person. The people in the movie are so real that the process of counseling them would be great practice.

The second movie that I saw was also on a date night. This time, it was daddy-daughter date night. I took my little girl out to see the movie of her choice and for a little gelato afterwards. She chose the movie, ‘Up’.

This movie, I would recommend. It too is about relationships. The core of the story is about a man and a woman who get married and grow old together. She dies in the first 20 minutes of the movie and the rest of the movie involves him fulfilling a promise to her while learning to find other relationships in his life.

I am not ashamed to say that I cried in this movie. The writers do such an excellent job of making you love this couple, it’s hard not to cry when you see him alone. It really strikes to the heart of my own fears. I love my wife. A lot. And, I recognize the awful truth that one day, one of us will go before the other one.

Every love story has a sad ending. There is a deep truth there that was at the heart of each of these movies. Each movie showed the pain and grieving that comes with the loss of a relationship. Unfortunately, we live in a society where the first movie is a better example of relationships than the second.

I am distressed at the state of marriage in our world. Life is short, painfully so. We have the briefest time on this earth to live and love. Why, then, would you waste it being miserable and hateful to someone.

The truth is, you can spend a lifetime growing together in a healthy relationship, facing down your problems and learning to work together OR, you can spend a lifetime dealing with the baggage from a broken relationship. Either way, you spend a lifetime with that person.

My wife and I both come from broken homes. We could have learned the lesson that relationships are disposable. They aren’t and we didn’t. Instead, we both decided that our marriage was going to last through it all. Our goal is 75 years and then we’ll renegotiate.

We’ve lasted 13 years so far, through some really tough times and through some really great times. We’ve had the 2nd Year lull and the 7 year itch. We’ve had struggles with having children and the delight of adoption. We’ve had arguments that shook the walls and we’ve laughed together, played together, cried together, and loved together.

Relationships are hard. I won't lie to you. You will never hurt another person in this world as much as the person that you truly love. To grow in love, you must be vulnerable, and when you are vulnerable, you will get hurt. Working through that hurt as a partnership, opening up to each other, and growing old together will make for an adventure that outshines any movie script.

Healthy relationships require a daily choice to grow closer to each other. They require a regular dose of humility. They require constant care and vigilance. Long lasting, loving relationships don't just happen. They require effort. Trust me; it is worth it.

Both of these movies, ‘Last Kiss’ and ‘Up’ hold the same lesson: a healthy relationship is priceless and a dysfunctional one is worthless – it’s your choice which one you will live with.

I think I need to go watch a guy movie now.

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24.