Different Enough

I want to be different…  Just like everyone else. 

Our culture is one of conformity. 

Just check out the teen girl dressed in all black and listening to emo music, trying to be her own self, just like the dozen others that she hangs out with.

Look at the Republicans who, on cue, decry everything that president Obama does.  Look at the Democrats who did the same thing with George Bush.  Neither one can step outside of their group and actually give a little credit where it is due.

Look at the beatniks of the 50s, the hippies of the 60s, the feminists of the 70s, the yuppies of the 80s, and the grunge culture of the 90s. 

Look at the hundreds of guys with their pants belted below their butt, showing their chonies. (That’s a fad that can’t die soon enough)

Counter-cultural people tend to be just another culture. They’re different, just like everyone else.

Oh, we like to pretend that each of us is our own individual, but ultimately, society expects you to conform to an image.  My Human Development Professor in college, “We make too much of a big deal about cliques and conformity with teenagers.  I’m 65 years old and live in a retirement community and there is definitely a message of conformity, from the catalogues that tell me how I should dress, to the clubs that people my age join, to the expectations of my kids and grandkids.” 

This brings me to some recent conversations that I have had with my long-time friend, Rick.  Are we, as Christians, different enough?  Do we look so much like the world around us, that people just cannot tell the difference?  Or, do we just have a silly Christian sub-culture that has its own conformities?  Rick has been wrestling with these questions, and so have I.

A simple look at the statistics tells you that Christians give more money to charity, volunteer more to help others, adopt more children, and provide more day-to-day assistance to those around them than any other group of people.  But, is that enough? 

It is also easy to look out on the Christians that I meet and see that they are just as in debt up to their eyeballs as the rest of the world, far too many of their marriages are a wreck just like the rest of the world, they have just as many grudges and broken relationships as the rest of the world, there are racists, political radicals, and hypocrites – just like the rest of the world.  The umbrella of our name contains such people as the hateful Fred Phelps, the charlatans of televangelism, the smooth-talking salesmen like Joel Olsteen, and the senile and grumpy Pat Robertson. 

Is this who we are?  Are we just another club to join that’s just like everyone else in the world, or are we supposed to be something different?

It is easy to criticize other people, to look at the Christians around me and wonder, “Why aren’t you doing more?”  It’s quite popular for Christian book writers, bloggers, and others to disparage other Christian groups: ‘Megachurches are too worldly,’ ‘That group of churches are too judgmental,’ ‘your church isn’t holy if it doesn’t have such and such ministry,’ ‘you should teach this, but you don’t,’ ‘You’re not following Jesus if you…,’ or ‘__________ says (fill in the blank with Donald Miller, N.T. Wright, Rob Bell, John Piper, Bono, or any other name in the pantheon of minor Christian celebrities),’ etc. etc. etc.  But, (and here is a very big but), I have to start with myself. 

When I read Romans 12:1-2, it makes me wonder how transformed I am, or have I remained like the world.  Though Jesus tells me in Mathew 6:1-6 that I am not supposed to show off my good works, he also says in Matthew 5:13-16 that I am supposed to be a light to the world.  Now, I get the difference here: I am not to do good works, such as giving to charity in front of others so that others will see and congratulate me.  And, I’m not supposed to pray high and holy prayers in front of others so they will think that I am über-spiritual.  Ultimately, my personality, my life choices, my financial decisions, by choice of entertainment, the way I treat others, my ego/humility, my attitude, my very being should reflect that I am a changed man because of my relationship to the Messiah.

When you meet me, do you see love?  Am I a joyful person, content in all circumstance?  Am I a peacemaker, bringing others together and being humble enough to seek peace from those I’ve hurt and those who have hurt me?  Am I patient (I know I definitely need some work here).  Do I exude kindness, do I treat others as if they are better than me?  Am I good?  Do I consistently try to make the right choice daily, or do I make a lot of selfish choices?  Am I faithful, can my God, my wife, my family, and my friends count on my loyalty and support?  Am I gentle to those around me, not bullying, not being pushy, not ignoring those who need help?  Do I exhibit self-control, willing to accept delayed gratification, being temperate in what I eat, how I spend, what I own, and how I deal with people?

Do I exhibit generosity, even when I don’t have much?

Do I seek reconciliation, even when I am the one who was wronged?

Do I love people, even those who are difficult to love?

Do I care for others, not just those who look like me?

Do I treat people well, even those who persecute me?

Do I struggle with my faith, trying to put into practice, or do I just do religious service as a habit?

Am I actually relevant because I make a difference, or am I just trying to be relevant by acting a certain way?

When other’s look at me, is my life different enough from the materialistic, self-centered, values of the rest of the world that they are puzzled by it?

These questions and thoughts aren’t meant to be narcissistic, navel-gazing.  These are the questions and thoughts I would ask of any member of my congregation, any one that I mentor, any of my children, and anyone who claims to follow Jesus.  If we aren't struggling with this, perhaps we should be.  Our very message of hope is diminished if it looks to everyone else that it hasn't made a difference in our own lives.

These are questions that I struggle with and I’m not always very happy with the honest answers.  But, God help me, I’m trying.

It is my hope to be like an Easter egg sitting in the middle of a box of plain old white eggs.  I want to be gloriously different enough that people can tell the difference (not to glorify myself, but to point to the God that I serve).  I just hope that I’m not the cracked one. 

Am I different enough?

Are you?

Ten Ways To Be A Better Parent + A Bonus

Parenting is the hardest job you’ll ever love. Good parenting can be very difficult. It can be enjoyable too. Having worked in youth ministry for over twelve years, I have observed some parenting techniques that seem to work well and many others that are destructive.

The hardest part about parenting is, that no matter how many right things you do, you are still dealing with another human being who will ultimately make their own choices. Even the best parents sometimes end up with black sheep. With that said, there are some better practices that make this less likely and other practices that make it more likely.

1. Consistency, Consistency, Consistency – This is extremely important. If there are two parents in the home, they need to set similar boundaries and agree on punishments and rewards. Whether you are a single parent or married, you need to individually keep boundary lines steady for your child. If you are constantly changing things or if both parents disagree and have different boundaries, your child will be unsure, lack confidence, or worse, they will learn how to manipulate the situation. Did I mention, Consistency?
2. Keep Balance – No, this has nothing to do with a tight rope and a unicycle. But, this is probably the single worst behavior that I see across the continuum of parenting today: parents who allow their children to overload their lives with busy-ness. Soccer games are followed by swimming followed by volleyball followed by dance followed by student government followed by gymnastics followed by baseball followed by club after club after club. Any one of these can be a wonderful way for your child to improve themselves; all of them together will not be. Encourage your child to pick one physical, one mental, and one spiritual thing to focus on. This is the three legged stool pictured above. You cannot have balance if you take legs away. Also, encourage them to spend some time in solitude once in awhile. As a parent, you have to set the example, too. Focus on your priorities and don’t try to do everything. This will improve the lives of the entire family because you won’t be rushing everywhere all the time.
3. You Are Not Their BFF – You are not your child’s friend. I’m sorry to say that, but it is true. You are their parent. That is not to say that you cannot have a close relationship, but when the chips are down, kids do not need another friend, they need a steady, strong, dependable adult. You have to make the hard decisions some times, set boundaries, have rules, and administer punishments. Don’t just assume that “they’ll do it anyway” when it comes to disobedience, alcohol, drugs, or any other bad or dangerous behavior. Decide what is acceptable and what is not. Guard their safety and communicate right and wrong to them. It may be rough, they may be angry at you, but ultimately they will be better for it.
4. Let Them Grow Up – You are not raising a child, You are raising an adult. Always keep in mind that you are trying to raise a person to be an effective, balanced adult who can make decisions and take care of themselves in the world. This means that you have to let them fail and learn to pick themselves up. You have to let them learn some hard lessons in life. You cannot shelter them completely from this. Your job is to maintain a tension between protecting them in an age appropriate way, and letting them step out with greater and greater responsibility and privileges. This is probably the hardest part of parenting.
5. Land the Helicopter – Please don’t hover over your kids constantly. Be involved in their lives, but don’t be there correcting every mistake they might make trying to guide every single decision in their lives. Teach them and then let them go out into the world a little bit at a time. You don’t want to still be making choices for your child when they are thirty, and you definitely don’t want to be changing diapers then.
6. Do As I Say AND As I Do – Kids see what you do and imitate that. It’s kind of scary when you experience this as a parent. I was driving with my daughter one time and someone cut me off. My daughter said from the back seat, “That guy was a clown, wasn’t he, daddy.” Evidently, she had heard me call another driver a clown for bad driving and now repeated it. It made me glad that I didn’t call him anything worse. If you want a child who is honest, don’t lie. If you want a child who respects others, don’t berate a waitress for making a mistake on your order. If you want a child who goes to church, you have to wake up and go too. If you drop an f-bomb in front of your child, you will hear it back someday.
7. Look Ahead – Don’t wait for your child to get into trouble, plan ahead. If your daughter is already pregnant at fourteen, it's too late to discuss sex with her. If you sit down and think about it, you know what stage is coming up next in their life, and you can plan how to deal with situations. When will you allow them to date alone? When will she be allowed to wear makeup? Is he really ready to have a cell phone yet? What will be acceptable driving, and what get’s the car taken away? Is it acceptable to wear kilts? Talk these ahead of time and then communicate with your child.
8. Family Time – Pick a night. Turn off the television. Turn off the phones. Don’t schedule anything else. Eat dinner together. Play a game. Talk. Ask about their day, and listen. Look through old family photo albums. Shoot some hoops together. Go camping. You may see them roll their eyes, but if you make it a regular habit, they will appreciate it. And, years later, these will be the things they remember fondly, and maybe they’ll spend some time with you by choice when you have an empty nest.
9. Don’t forget the spiritual side – One of the worst statements that I have ever heard someone say is, “I don’t think I should force morals on my child, I’ll just wait till they are old enough to decide on their own.” I have heard some version of this statement from dozens of people. Yes, religion is a personal thing. Yes, there are many spiritual choices out there. But, that doesn’t mean that it is unimportant. In fact, not making this a priority leaves your child open to many dangerous choices. The simple truth is this, your child WILL make their own choice someday anyway. Even if you raise them in church, they will someday choose for themselves. But, while they are with you, it is your responsibility to give them a healthy moral and spiritual foundation that they can build on. Consider it this way, you wouldn’t leave your toddler in a room full of knives, burning candles, and open bottles of poison. Why then would you let your child go out in a world full of dangerous messages without giving them some guidance.
10. Reward Right Behavior – Please don’t make your parenting methods based solely on punishment. When your child makes a good choice, encourage that. Help them to know that there are rewards in life for doing good as well as punishment for doing bad things. This can be a very powerful way to help them to choose right from wrong.
11. Failure is OK – Yes, you heard that right. It is OK to fail. In fact, it can be the best thing to happen to your child. I find it exasperating that children’s sports are now setup so everyone wins. Games at my daughter’s schools are this way. We have had kids in our youth group in school programs where no one gets an F. Everything is positive and everyone is happy. We wouldn’t want to accidentally damage their poor little self-esteem. If you don’t fail, how can you ever realize that you need to improve? What impetus is there to strive if there is no pain from failure? This unhealthy concept does nothing to prepare your child to grow up in the real world where they will lose their job if they don’t make enough sales, where they will have to compete for job interviews, where they will have to earn their own way. Don’t protect your child from failure. Help them learn to pick themselves. Teach them how to evaluate the reasons for their failure and decide if this is what they need be doing. Help them learn how to strive for goals and how to respect themselves if they gave it all they had and still weren’t the best.

Yes, I know that's eleven annd not ten, but if you have read my blog before, you know I don't like to be bound by such silly superstitions as math. I cannot guarantee that these ideas will make you a perfect parent, but they can you a better one. As always, I invite you, as the reader to contribute your own ideas in comments.

This post is Number 4 in a series of Ten Top Ten Lists on improving yourself. This series will be posted daily.

Tomorrow: Ten Ways to Be a Better Employee

BONUS:

This Top 10 article has a bonus: 10 things that don’t work in parenting:

1. Too Much Time At Work – Some parents (especially men) believe that parents should provide everything a child might want. Often they say things like, “I just want to give them what I didn’t have when I was a kid.” Then, the parent works long hours to provide the funds to make this happen, in the interim, missing out on their child’s day-to-day life. Your entire family will do much better if you adjust your priorities, do without some luxuries, and spend that extra time together.
2. Telling Them They Aren’t Good Enough – Few parents actually come out and say this, but the message becomes loud and clear when the child comes home with a B and is told they could have had an A if they tried harder. Parents often drive their kids to be the best in school, the best in sports, the best in all they do. A healthier way is to encourage them to be the best they can be in their own strengths and weaknesses. If your child struggles with Math and brings home a B, rejoice. If they are excellent at Math, then encourage them to apply themselves more. Let them know that, if they work at something and do well, that is enough. They don’t have to be the best at everything.
3. Raising False Hopes – This is the other end of the spectrum from the previous one. Parent’s sometimes give their kids too much encouragement. The simple truth is, not everyone can be a professional basketball player. If your child is the shortest in class and clumsy, they probably won’t ever play pro-ball. Encourage them to play for fun. If your child sings like a frog and they aren’t selected for choir, don’t tell that they are the best singer and the Director made a mistake. Help them (in a balanced way) to understand their strengths and build on those.
4. Rigidity – No one likes to live in a dictatorship of absolutes. As a parent, you have to be flexible at times. Give a little, once in awhile. This is not to say that you shouldn’t be consistent, but gentle consistency is much better than rigid, by-the-book domination. Also, consider the realities of each child and tailor your parenting somewhat to each. As a child, I was an introvert who could spend all day reading by myself. Time-outs just wouldn’t work for me. Even if you took my book away, I was fine just being inside my own head. My wife, however, was very social, so a time out was definitely a punishment to her.
5. Punishments That Don’t Fit the Crime – Overly broad punishments or punishments that have nothing to do with the crime don’t help the child learn. The best thing parents can do is to send the child to their room and discuss the gravity, the scope, and the method of punishment. If your 9 year old lies to you about taking a cookie from the cookie jar, taking their allowance away has no connection. However, having them write 100 times, “Lying makes people not trust me” and restricting them from cookies for a week has a direct connection that will leave an impression.
6. Letting Them Grow Up Too Fast – This is very important. I hate shopping with my daughter now. The stores sell sexy clothes to 8-9 year old girls. I hate to see parents who allow their pre-teen to dress in clothing that looks like it belongs on a stripper. Movies and video games are the same way. A child’s mind cannot process certain ideas until their brains develop that area. Your twelve year old should not be watching the movie, “Saw.” An eight year old has no business playing a video game where you shoot prostitutes. You don’t have to completely shelter them, but, you do need to use wisdom in what you expose them to and at what age they are exposed to it.
7. Sheltering Them Too Much – This is another one of those tension things. You can’t protect them from everything. They do have to grow up sometime and realize that there are bad people in the world.
8. Public Punishment – Please don’t punish your children in front of other people, especially their peers. Punishment should be limited to the family and take place in a situation where reasons can be discussed. Also, on this subject, talk about punishments with your kids to make sure they understand the reasons, and how to make better choices in the future. Finally, when the punishment is done, let it be done. Don’t keep bringing the issue up again and again in the future (unless the child keeps making the same mistake).
9. Living Vicariously Through Your Kids – So you were the star football player and helped win the game against Podunk High 20 years ago. Don’t pressure your child to be a football star. Big Deal, you wanted to be a professional piano player, but your hands weren’t big enough. Please don’t force your kids into 18 years of piano lessons. Allow your kids to be who they want to be. Allow them to enjoy their own likes and dislikes. Feel free to tell them long boring stories about your childhood, just don’t try to make them into your image.
10. Divorce – OK, it’s a modern world, and you’re in charge of your own life. I get that. But, what hurts kids the most is when adults are more childish than they are. Except in cases of abuse, divorce is very hurtful for children. A recent study showed that children who were part of a divorce situations still had problems 25 years later. What’s worse, if parents are bickering, using the kids as pawns in their battles, or tearing down the other parent in front of the children; the damage is much worse. I have two words, GROW and UP!!! If you aren’t divorced, but have marital problems, get help. Please. Find a marriage counselor, join a married couples support group, talk to clergy. Repairing your marriage is the best gift you could give your children. If you are divorced, at least play nice in front of your kids. And, as a side note, if you are a single parent, do NOT date in front of your kids. Wait until you and the other person are seriously considering marriage to begin introducing them. Bringing a parade of boyfriends or girlfriends in and out of your child’s life is very scarring to them.

Ten Ways to be Better Wife

Ten Ways to be a Better Wife

Co-authored by my wife: Rebecca Loar

Just like husbands, wives are often portrayed negatively by Hollywood too. They are nags, shrews, and desperate housewives. It takes two to tango, so the wife needs to engage in improvement too. I wouldn’t have dared to undertake this project unless my wife was involved. You’d have to be a brave (or stupid) man to tell a woman where she can improve.

Again, I invite you, the reader, to comment and make suggestions of your own, so that we can improve together.

1. Guy Romantic and Girl Romantic are different – The first three Christmas presents were sweaters. Three years in a row! Epic Wife Fail!!! She thought they were nice and thought it was romantic to clothe her man. Three problems here: First, I’m a big guy and generate plenty of body heat on my own, so a sweater really becomes a sweat-er. I don’t need to be any warmer. Second, I’ve never worn sweaters, I’m not a sweater kind of guy. Fat guys in sweaters are the stuff of jokes. Finally, I was hoping for something cool, and sweaters just ain’t cool. Finally, after three years of seeing my tepid reaction upon opening my present (I’m a rotten actor), she asked me. I told her I was hoping for something cool. We discussed tools, flashlights, guns, and knives versus sweaters, cards, and such. My recommendation is find out what your man likes and buy in that area. If you aren’t sure, ask him. Or, get him a gift card to his favorite store. By the way, she got me a pair of robo-grip pliers the next year. Booyah!
2. Don’t Emasculate Your Man – You married a man, let him be a man. Don’t emasculate him. I mean that both literally and figuratively. I hate to see women who dominate their husbands, yelling at him, belittling him, treating him like a child. Henpecking is a form of abuse no different than a man who bullies his wife. Often, the man allows it because he doesn’t want to cause problems in the relationship, but the truth is, the relationship is unhealthy unless both parties are equal.
3. Give Him Time with Friends – It really is OK if he has a poker night, goes to a ball game, or goes to hang out with the guys. I don’t recommend strip clubs, but that’s for a much different issue. Occasionally, wives have issues with their men spending time with anyone but her. Trust me, if you give him some guy time, he’ll be back to give you some wife time. And, quite frankly, you don’t want to do the gross things that men do.
4. He needs a Man Cave – Give him a space of his own that you don’t decorate. Whether he is a car guy and wants the garage or he just wants to be able to watch the Cardinals lose without having to move fluffy pillows from his chair; he will appreciate the space. Workshops, computer desks, game rooms, or dens are acceptable versions of this. Let him put up a deer head or a bunch of baseball action figures (if he’s into such juvenile games as baseball). Every guy has a junior high boy inside him, so give him a place to let that out.
5. Look Nice for Him – chances are, you aren’t a supermodel. That’s OK, he’s probably not Hugh Jackman, either. You can still look nice for him. Now, I’m not talking about vacuuming the floor in high heels and pearls, it’s not 1952. But, if he likes your long hair down (and he does), wear it down for him. Dress in things that flatter your shape. Wear that low cut blouse just for him. Lingerie is a good idea once in awhile too, just make sure it isn’t too complicated. Throw it on the ground when you try it on in the store; that’s what it will look like five minutes after you put it on anyway.
6. Remember He Has Problems Too – and, he may not tell you about them all. Men are culturally taught to be strong. This often translates into holding stuff inside. Let him know you want to share with him, but don’t pressure him constantly about it. Give him space and time. This becomes especially important when he has faced loss, such as death of someone close to him, job loss or demotion, or other similar stresses.
7. Let Him be a Father – Men play with children differently than women do. This is a fact. Psychologists think that this is important in child development. So, let him rough house a little. If he has to wear a bandana over his nose to change diapers, that’s ok.
8. Respect Him – Marriage counselors will tell you that women value security and men value respect. I have found this to be very true. If you treat your man as a child, if you put down his job, if you go around him to others for help, he will feel the lack of respect and that will cause resentment. Respect him as part of your love.
9. Let Him Fix Things – There aren’t any more dragons to slay. As a man, you aren’t called on to fight with swords or rescue maidens. So let him be a knight. Men tend to be oriented towards fixing problems where women tend to get more out of sharing them. This is a common area of stress in marriages. If he has suggestions on how to fix something, consider it. Encourage him to listen to you, too, but still let him fix some things. You could also give him a sword as a present. Refer to item # 1 above.
10. Pray For Him –Pray for him to be the man he needs to be. Pray for him to do well in his job. Pray for him to be uplifted and encouraged. Pray for his confidence. Pray for his relationship with you. Pray that he doesn’t cut his finger off when working with knives (my wife forgot to do this one, so it’s her fault). Pray for him daily. Let him know that you pray for him. This kind of quiet support feels good.

Wives and husbands are different. I believe that God created us that way for a reason. Whatever His reason, it makes for some very interesting times and a roller coaster of love. It is said that when women look in a mirror, the see every flaw and focus on it, while men look in a mirror and find their best single quality and focus on that. For men, scratching and grunting are a valid form of communication and it is entirely possible for us to sit on the couch and not be thinking of anything. Stereotypes aside, wives must realize that their husbands are different from them down to the chromosomal level. So, if you want him to be the best husband he can be, you have to try to be the best wife you can be.

This post is Number 3 in a series of Ten Top Ten Lists on improving yourself. This series will be posted daily.

Tomorrow: Ten Ways to Be a Better Parent

Ten Ways to Be a Better Husband

I get annoyed by Hollywood and Television portrayals of husbands. Really annoyed. Invariably, we are portrayed as ignorant ogres and arrogant buffoons, that is, if we are portrayed at all. Yes, there are far too many men who abandon their families, but there are also good husbands out there. Here are some ideas on how to be a good husband. Again, I invite you as the reader to participate and add suggestions of your own so we can learn together.

1. Turn off the game – I’m sorry, but this has to be number one. If your wife is a sports widow, it’s time to shut off the Television and go spend time with her. The Cardinals are going to lose whether you are watching or not and you can pick it up in the sports pages tomorrow. Do you really have to watch every game, every Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday? Really. Ask yourself if the outcome of a game really has any long term effect on anything important in life. Here is the answer: No. It doesn’t. Men who neglect their families in order to spend every available free minute watching a game (or working on their car, manicuring their lawn, playing golf, etc. etc. etc.) need to readjust their priorities. 60 years from now as you lie on your death bed, will you really care about the outcome of the 1972 Superbowl? Or, will you be thinking about the smile your son gave you as you first taught him how to ride a bike or the hug your daughter gave you right before you walked her down the aisle, or the look of joy on your wife’s face as you took her out to her favorite restaurant and asked her to marry you again for your 25^th wedding anniversary. The truth is, any one of those moments is worth a thousand ball games and you only get them by being a part of their lives. And, just think, 60 years from now on your deathbed, the Cardinals STILL won’t have won a Super Bowl.
2. Be smooshy – That’s right. Be Smooshy. Sorry to use such deep, intellectual and technical words, but this is important. If you want to have an incredible marriage, do sweet little smooshy, goofy things for your wife that you wouldn’t want anyone else to know you do. Trust me, you won’t lose your man card for this one. Write a little love note to her and hide it in her briefcase. Make her breakfast in bed. Buy her a card and write something nice to remember your first time making love. Give her a day at the spa while you take the kids out for some time with them. Whisper silly love phrases in her ear in the middle of a large group of people so that just you and she can hear. Be Silly. Be Fun. Be Goofy. No one else has to know and these things are better than diamonds.
3. Touch her – Now, I’m not talking about sex here. I’m talking about taking the inside of her arm and stroking it or giving her a neckrub while she is doing dishes. Put your hand on her back in a public place so she knows your with her. Rest your hand on her knee when sitting together on the couch. Hold hands. Hug. Snuggle. Kiss her ear. Yes, you can even touch her breasts too, just don't spend all of your time there. Do these things regularly and not just to get sex. Let her know she is adored.
4. Sit on the floor – this is more for arguments, but I can share this one from personal experience. Men are usually larger than their wives, with deeper voices, and more dominant presence. When you have a discussion, sit on the floor below the couch or bed where she is. This shows humility and keeps you from looming over her. This really works, especially if your wife is short. Don't forget to pick up the dust bunnies while you are down there.
5. Remember things – There is no excuse for forgetting anniversaries or her birthday. Use the calendar in your phone or on your computer. Write it down. Get her a nice present days in advance, don’t just run out and buy flowers at 7-11 on the way home from work. Forgetting her name is really bad.
6. Date – Like you did when you met, date her. Woo her for the rest of your life. Take her on dates regularly, even if it is just a picnic on a blanket at home. Don’t lose that lovin feelin. Take her chocolates on the way home from work.
   
7. Tell her she is beautiful – The pastor who did our pre-marital counseling told me something very wise: “Whether you treat her like she is beautiful or treat her like she is a nag…She will be.” Tell your wife she is beautiful regularly. Tell her you love her all the time. Listen to the song “If tomorrow never comes” by Garth Brooks and apply it to your marriage.
8. Let her tell you about her day – This falls under the category of listening. When you come home, remember, she has had a day too. It doesn’t matter if she works outside the home or raises the children, ask how her day was and listen. Interject appropriate comments, approval, sympathy, surprise, disgust (napalm diapers) etc. Let her know it matters to you. Then, don't turn around and tell her, "That's nothing, wait till you hear about my day!"
9. Go to church together – This one is pretty important. If you share a faith together, you will have a much stronger marriage. This is more than just statistics, it is about your hearts. If you are both going the same direction, the journey together has meaning. Plus, you can snuggle in the pew.
10. Always build her up in front of others – This goes along with telling her that she is beautiful. Never waste the chance to build her up in front of others. When the other guys are groaning about going home to the old bitch, let them know you look forward to going home to your wife. Want to make some real points, build her up in front of her girl friends. Send flowers to her work instead of giving them to her in private. When you pick her up from a friend’s house, be sure to kiss her and tell her she’s beautiful. Encourage her, build her up, treat her like she is important to you.

After fourteen years of marriage, I’m no expert. But, I have learned this much…It’s the little things that count. I love my wife and I want a lifetime together. I’d rather have a lifetime of happiness and sweet memories with her than a bitter, miserable relationship that drags us both down. I know that I have a choice in making one of those two thing happen.

I love you my beautiful Becky and vow to always try to be the best husband I can for you. I love you more today than I did 14 years ago.

This post is Number 2 in a series of Ten Top Ten Lists on improving yourself. This series will be posted daily.

Tomorrow – Ten Ways to Be a Better Wife (We'll see if I survive this one)

Top Ten Ways to Have Better Relationships

I decided it was time to do another set of Top 10 lists. I had fun with the last series, so let's go again. I thought I'd share a series on becoming a better you. Hey, if Joel Olsteen can do it, I can too. The only difference here is that I won't make any money off of this and I can't pull off that 'used car dealer' smile. This is just for fun and I hope you will add your own input in the comments. Our first topic is How to Have a Better Relationship. This is for any relationship from marriage, BFF's, close buddies, or just two dudes in a Bro-mance (Joe and Theo).

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Whether it is friendship, marriage, or even family, any relationships are often difficult. The biggest hurdle is to get past our own selfishness and past baggage to grow closer to the other person. The experience of a personal and deep relationship with someone, that surpasses all of the issues to become a lifetime relationship, is one of the most powerful experiences that you can experience as a person.

Here are some effective ways to experience this:

1. Value people over things. There are few more important ways to deepen the level of the relationships in your life and to really grow a person than this. When the possessions in your life and the money you earn cease to be more important than the people around you, love can begin to deepen. This is a huge lesson in our materialistic society where spouses both work to pay the bills, where parents work long hours to afford more stuff, and where toys and possessions become the goal. Reprioritizing generosity, sacrificial living, and simplicity over financial gain will allow you to focus on building stronger relationships with the people closest to you.


2. Listen. There is an old cliché that says, “God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason.” Again, this involves getting past selfishness. If my friend is sharing information with me and all I can think of is what I am going to say next, we both lose out on the chance to grow closer. Listening is not the same thing as hearing, though. Listening requires actively paying attention to what they are saying, noting voice inflection and non-verbal clues. A good test to see if you have listened (and to let them know that you are) is to repeat it back to them in their own words when they are done speaking. This helps you focus on the meaning of their words, and it helps to prevent misunderstandings because they can clarify if needed.


3. Spend Time. There is no such thing as quality time if you don’t spend quantity time. Period. You cannot expect to have a deep relationship unless you actually put in the time to earn trust and to offer enough opportunities for sharing.


4. Do new things together. Any relationship can become stagnant after enough time of the ‘same old thing.’ If you want to deepen the relationship, share new experiences. This does two things to help your relationship grow: first, you will now share a special time with that person that no one else shares with them, and secondly, you will see each other in a new place where you are vulnerable. This allows your masks to slip so that you can each catch a glimpse of the deeper person.


5. Do new things apart and then come back together to share them. If you spend all your time together, even sharing new experiences, you will quickly have nothing new to talk about. If you each go out and gain new experiences apart, then you will have something exciting to share when you come back together.


6. Serve together. Serving others is one of the greatest experiences you can have together. This, again, has the effect of breaking through your own selfishness. Spend time volunteering in a soup kitchen, at a church event, at a homeless shelter, raising money for a good cause, or something similar. Help other people and you can’t help but to be changed. When you share this experience with another person, it can cause you to grow together spiritually.


7. Tell them how much you value them. Everyone likes to hear that they are loved. Don’t be afraid to tell someone that they matter to you. It may feel awkward at first, but it can help you grow together.


8. Exhort each other to growth. Proverbs 27:6 says, that wounds from a friend can be trusted. If you can speak truthfully to one another in love, then you can encourage each other to grow. A real friend is someone who will be honest with you in everything, from the small things such as a zipper that’s open to the big stuff like addictions.


9. Be intentionally humble. No one likes an arrogant jerk. You don’t want to put up with someone who thinks only of themselves, so don’t be that person. This helps a lot in personal communication. When you admit your struggles, then it helps the other person not have to compete with you. Just don’t play the false humility card.


10. Be intentionally transparent. Choose to be real. It’s that simple. You will never grow past the lightweight level of relationship until you open up and get vulnerable. Now, this isn’t something to do in the first five minutes of a relationship, but it is something you can choose to intentionally do, one step at a time.

Relationships are hard. Deep ones are even harder to get to. But, with investment in others, you can experience deep and abiding relationships that will make you a better person and broaden your life experience. Trust me, it is worth it.

Tomorrow: Top 10 Ways to Have a Better Marriage.

The Greatest Battle Ever Fought

It’s summer camp. Junior High Summer Camp. If you’ve never been to one, those words may not conjure up the mess of feelings and ideas that it does for those who’ve been there. It’s kind of like the old guys who went to Vietnam said, “If you weren’t there, you wouldn’t understand.” I’m pretty sure that there are Green Berets that have seen the most hellish jungle warfare that would shy away from volunteering at Junior High summer camp.

If you’ve never been there, Junior High Summer Camp is a week of crazy fun, boredom, escape from the city, hormones, first loves, first heartbreaks, daredevil antics, water balloon fights, climbing rockwalls, marshmallow roasts, prison camp accommodations, burping contests, late night conversations, surplus cafeteria food dating back to the Korean war, bugs, and Bible studies.

To really get an idea, close your eyes and try to get the sound and smell of 150 pubescent teens packed into a small room with no air conditioning, dancing around to screaming loud praise music. The sound is enough to wake the dead. The humidity from sweat make the air fetid like a Louisiana bayou and the smell is something like a large goat farm. Body odor, sweat, and hormones mix with Axe body spray and 273 types of body lotion, hair products, and perfumes. (a side note here, when middle school boys see the Axe commercials where a guy sprays himself and then a dozen girls attack him, they assume that if they triple the amount, then even more girls will attack them. I’m pretty sure God has a special punishment in mind for the makers of Axe.)

Junior High Summer Camp. Ministry here is raw and cutting edge. You have to be able to face anything and everything from an invasion of millions of ants in the cabin to arguments over who gets to ask out the cute boy from the other church. There’s the kid who seems to disappear every time we are supposed to go into worship and the other one who seems to pick a fight with every kid who crosses his path. One girl slips off of the rocks she wasn’t supposed to be on hurting herself and another finds it funny to pull pranks on the youth minister. And then, one night around church group time, one kid shares how his parents fight all the time and are getting a divorce. Another has a father who pressures him constantly. Another lost her parent last year and still doesn’t know how to cope. Another has had sex with her boyfriend and wonders if Jesus could ever accept her after that.

It is easy to think that kid’s problems are silly and childish. It’s easy to laugh off the first heart break because, as an adult, you’ve been through dozens. “Wait till you grow up Kid, then you’ll know what real life problems are.” "It's too far from your heart to kill you."

The reality is that wherever we are in life, our problems are really intense. Whatever battle you are facing is terribly real to you. It doesn't matter if you are in Junior High or you barely remember Junior High because it was so long ago. As Pastor Chip so wisely says, “All life is Junior High.”

It’s always easy to solve someone else’s problems, especially since they aren't yours. Junior High Summer Camp taught me to listen as people of any age share their problems without belittling them, but offering them an understanding friend who can support them as they fight the greatest battle of their life.

Next time you hear someone tell you about the problem they are facing, take a moment and shut out that self-absorbed little voice inside you that says, “You think you got problems, you don’t understand what I am going through.” Don’t try to solve their problems for them or tell them how little they really are. Instead, put your arm around the other person and tell them that you know what it’s like to fight a great battle too. Then pray with them. Maybe then, they will do the same for you.

I pray that you have someone to fight at your side as you fight the greatest battle of your life.

Welcome to Junior High.

Under the Hood

This blog originally posted 04/12/09 as an article I wrote for our church newsletter

I hate car repair.

There. I said it. I’m glad it’s out in the open.

Now you’ll probably want to revoke my ‘man card’ because guys are supposed to like tinkering on automobiles as if there is some mystic link between testosterone and grease. Maybe it’s genetic, but the sordid truth is: I hate car repair.

Wait, don’t take my man card yet. I have changed my own oil, I’ve put in new alternators in three cars, and even changed the clutch on a four wheel drive Jeep once. I can do it, I just don’t like it.

The thing that most bothers me about car repair is the constant maintenance. If you want to keep your car running, there are all these things that you have to do to keep your car running well. You are supposed to have regular oil changes, check the spark plugs, rotate your tires, and change the blinker fluid or some such.

What a pain. There always seems to be something that must be done. You have to remember to do it, schedule the mechanic, and then pay for it.

The funny thing is, with my new ministry job here at MVCC, I now have to deal with maintenance on the church van.

During the last couple of oil changes on the church van, the mechanic kept telling us that we had moisture in the oil. “Big deal,” I think, oil is wet, isn’t it? However, the truth is, since we only drive the church van a few miles each week and only take it on long trips about twice a year, the engine wasn’t getting hot enough to burn off the condensation in the oil. Our mechanic went on to say that, if we didn’t take the van out and really drive it once in awhile, the moisture would eventually damage the engine.

That seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it. You’d think that driving it more would wear down the engine faster and driving it less would make it last longer. However, it seems to be like a muscle, if you want to keep it healthy, you have to use it.

There is a truth here that applies to our lives. Generosity. Courage. Faith. Love. Kindness. All of the things about our humanity that we call good require us to get them out on the road and open them up once in awhile.

When you live your life wrapped up in yourself, never venturing far from your own needs and concerns, you begin to get moisture in your engine. Your goodness starts to rust. Your trust in others begins to break down. Your love begins to wear out.

Everyone knows the bitter person, the cynical pessimist, the miserable fellow who is old before his time. You just don’t want to be around these people because they seem to suck the very life from you. These are the people that failed to keep using their good gifts and they just broke down.

“So”, you ask, “how do I get these out on the open road?”
It takes action…purposeful action. You have to make the choice to say, “No,” to those things that focus on you and begin saying, “Yes,” to those that focus on others. Begin to follow the call of God in the Bible, serving others before yourself. In Philippians, it says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but to the interests of others.” Following God is not about sitting back in church pews looking forward to heaven, it is about action, bringing a little of God’s kingdom here, now.

There are many practical ways to do this. This week, turn off the television and spend some time in real conversation with your family. Go to church and ask about ways that you can serve. Take the money that you were going to use to buy that new upgraded toy that you really don’t need, and donate it to church or a charity. Buy some groceries for the family in need up the street. Take your group of friends and volunteer at Habitat for Humanity or the Phoenix Rescue Mission. These things are a little hard at first, but with practice, you will be going longer and farther than you ever realize possible, and your life will be better and healthier for it.

The good news is, as we have taken the van out monthly for longer drives, the most recent oil change showed it to be in good shape.

The great news is that you can do this with your life too.

Will the band play on?

This blog originally posted Tuesday, April 7, 2009 at 2:50pm

If you haven’t seen the movie, “The Matrix,” I strongly urge you to go see it. Put your thinking cap on and take some time to process it. Watch it with someone who likes to discuss ideas. Science fiction may not be your thing, but trust me, this is worth your time.

The movie tells the story of a guy who realizes that there is something more to the world that he is living in, that something about it isn’t right. He meets a group of people who help him to wake up to the fact that the world that he thought he was living in isn’t real and that he is actually living in an ugly world that is at war. The syncretism and pop-philosophy of movie has been much discussed, but the one part that I firmly believe that the creators got right, is the concept of two worlds existing simultaneously.

The first world is the one that we put on like a set of ultra-hip sunglasses and an iPod. It wraps around our eyes and blocks our ears, letting us see and hear only the most pleasant things, while filtering out the harshness of reality.

It is the world of entertainment that we cover our eyes with.

It is the world of toys and fun and busy-ness.

It is the world of Myspace and March Madness.

It is the world of Mortgages and Soccer Moms.

It is the world of corporate ladders and promotions.

It is the world where the things that Paris Hilton or Brittney Spears do matter.

It is the world where the coolest car, the nicest house, the most money, make a difference.

It is the world where you care what team won the game last night.

It is the world where you want to know what is going to happen tonight on “Lost,” or “House,” or “American Idol.”

It is the world of desperate dissipation that we grip tightly over your eyes so that we don’t see that other world… The real one.

The other world, the real one, is the world where choices are hard and bad things do happen. It ain't pretty. It is where your Mom is sick. It is where someone you know commits suicide. It is where a sweet little eight year old girl skips down the street to her murder. It is where a strange, lonely man opens fire on hopeful immigrants.

Genocide happens in this world over and over and over again and no one stops it. Moms and babies are hacked to death with machetes for being from the wrong tribe or religion. Men are beaten to death and beheaded for believing something different from their persecutors. Children in this world are forced to fight on the front lines of battle between drug lords or petty dictators. Beautiful young pre-teen girls are raped repeatedly in forced prostitution so that their starving families might be able to feed their brothers and sisters. Immigrants trying to find a new life, die of thirst in the desert while people argue of the ‘problem of illegals.’

Here in this world, children are born to struggling single moms and grow up knowing only crime and abuse to continue the cycle with their children. Here, elderly people languish in their own soiled clothing because family members are too busy to see them or help. Here, drugs and alcohol reap a terrible toll on the bodies, minds, and souls of their victims. Here, people die of AIDS, abandoned by their family for their lifestyle choice and by their friends out of fear of contracting the disease themselves.

Earthquakes happen. Wars go on. Lives are destroyed. Evil exists..... In this world.

In this world, hope dies a thousand deaths every day.

All this, while we close our eyes tightly, cover our ears and yell “la, la, la” at the top of our lungs so we don’t have to have our precious first world disturbed.And, if you do peek from between your eyelids and notice the other world, or, God forbid you call attention to it, there is always a man in a dark trench coat and shades, looking suspiciously like Timothy Leary there to hand you a blue pill and urge you to go back to sleep in blissful ignorance in the first world. Chill out. You take things to seriously. Don't worry, be happy.

The story goes that, as the Titanic sank, the orchestra realized they could not be saved. So they took out their musical instruments and played music as the ship was sinking.

For me, the most poignant scene in The Matrix is when Cypher betrays the others and makes a deal with Agent Smith so that he can return to the first world, the Matrix. He says, “I don't want to remember nothing, and I wanna be rich. , you know, someone important, like an actor.” He chooses a pretend life of escapism over the reality that is there.

I took the red pill years ago and sometimes I want to scream, “WAKE UP!!!”

I watch parents encourage their kids to play in every sport, to join every extracurricular activity, as if any of it matters. I watch men ignore their families to devote their lives to work so that they can get a little more money to buy toys that they will hardly have time to use. I watch women sink their lives into their children, living vicariously through them, trying to grasp the youth that they once had. I watch young people party like mad, trying to drown reality in beer bongs and unattached sex. I watch adults and teens get sucked into an online world where they can pretend to be anything they want to be and have ‘friends’ that never truly know who they really are. I watch people that I care about drowning in busy-ness and stress.

Yet, every once in awhile, the real world intrudes. The doctor says, “It is cancer.” Your Grandma calls and says she has been diagnosed with Alzheimers. The friend you had lunch with last week was just killed in a car accident. The letter arrives telling you that the bank is foreclosing.

This is your opportunity! Break out of your self-centered, entertainment-ridden, life of dissolution. Take the red pill. Wake up!!!

Your life on this earth is short. Turn off the television. Log off the computer. Throw away that magazine. Don’t sign-up for that next club sport. Put the golf clubs and fishing pole in the closet. Sell your toys and give money to the poor. Grab your family and hug them. Take the money that you would have spent on a movie or a cup of Starbucks or a new iPod and give it to someone in need. Meet your neighbors and really get to know them. Call up that friend that has slipped away because you have both been too busy. Have lunch with the lonely person, hold the hand of a sick person, read to a child, volunteer, go on a missions trip, serve someone. Go to church and get right with God.

or………take the blue pill………go back to sleep………rejoin the matrix………let the band play on………

But, I promise you this, you will be pulled, kicking and screaming into the real world eventually.

As this real world crushes you without pity, you may get a momentary glimpse, where you realize what a waste it has all been. You could have a moment to savor the taste of regret before you are extinguished. You might just receive the split-second of knowledge that neither your life, nor your death will ever matter.

We each have a choice - We can ride the edge of reality or fade away in dull self-indulgence.

Will the band play on?