Black and White

You know when he comes in the room.  The lighting completely changes, the shadows deepen, and somehow, the very air of the seems oppressive.  Ominous music plays from nowhere and then you see him.  Black hat, black clothing, and boots.  There are always boots.  All of these things point to him, but you could get rid of all of that and still know him by the eyes.  The eyes say it all.  Squinty.  Shifty.  Dark.   There's no doubt, once you see the eyes.

He is the bad guy.

Years ago, my daughter and I were watching some random kids movie.  If you have kids, you know these movies.  Terrible script.  Bad writing.  Awful acting.  Kid’s love them.  You watch them because your kid loves them.

“Dad, is that the bad man,” my daughter asks in all her innocence. 

“Yes honey, that’s the bad guy,” I answer somewhat offhandedly.  

But wait.  I stopped there.  I realized that perhaps I’ve just taught my beloved child a terrible lesson.

If you’ve spent any time knocking around this world, you learn very quickly that the “bad man” is rarely accompanied by menacing organ music.  The stage lighting doesn’t suddenly change and there is no chorus of gasps when they enter the room.

No, I can tell you as a Pastor, some downright evil people, people so evil that it affects you.  Like an oil slick on the surface of water, you can’t help but get some on you when you touch it.  

Some of the worst people I’ve ever dealt with have had a smile on their face as they stab you in the back.  I’ve seen people lie with so much sincerity that you’re left breathless when they turn on you.  I’ve watched folks who everyone placed on a pedestal turn around and hurt others in the most brutal ways.

It’s the politician who kisses the baby even though he just signed a bill that will leave the baby’s father out of work, and he knows it.  It’s the husband who abuses his family in the most heinous ways, but smiles at church and plays the good Christian.  It’s the teacher that everyone likes who turns out to be molesting kids.  It’s the person at work who schemes and lies for their own benefit, climbing the ladder over the bodies of their coworkers.  It’s the person who brings drama and bile into the lives of everyone she touches, as she plays one person off against another.  

I wish I could continue to tell my daughter that the world is divided nicely and neatly in to categories of good and bad, with the good guys always wearing white hats and the bad guys always wearing black ones.  I wish I could tell her that it was easy to avoid the evil ones.

But no, the truth isn’t in the black and white, but in the grays.

Even an oil spill can be pretty.  Have you ever seen the rainbow of colors on the surface of an oil slick?  Beautiful colors that can hide an appalling evil.

I can’t protect my daughter from the evil people in this world, but I can be honest with her that sometimes bad guys wear masks so good you can’t even tell they are masks. And sometimes the good guy comes out of nowhere and surprises you.

And sometimes, that oil slick of evil is going to stick to you, no matter how hard you try to wash it off.

Life isn’t as easy as a kid’s movie.

I wish that she never would have to learn that lesson.

Ten Little Indians

The drums start pounding in the distance.  The rhythm begins building as the chief raises his arms to the sky.  The warrior-dancers stride boldly in, their warpaint fierce, their faces determined; this is their moment.  Concentration fills their faces as the wailing music starts and they began to dance around, mimicking the elements of fire, water, earth and air.  They dance with abandon to celebrate the joy of a harvest, to give thanks for the food they will eat.  Flashes of light strobe across the scene and voices began to call.

“Look this way, honey.” 

“You’re doing great.”

“Keep dancing, buddy, follow the teacher.”

We parents watched our little preschoolers perform for the school’s Thanksgiving feast.  Our ten little Indians were dancing around a fire made of construction paper and cardboard tubes with a tipi made of window blind pieces standing in the background. Paper headbands held pink and yellow feathers and tinkling bells were tied around their ankles.

It was probably as politically incorrect as you can get now days and someone, somewhere is probably offended.  Of course, that someone, somewhere is always offended about something.  Yes, we know the Native Americans of the East Coast tribes who encountered the pilgrims didn’t live in tipis.  Yes, the second song was sung in Spanish, not the language of the Wampanoag.  Yes, the pilgrims arguably brought a new culture that brought change to another culture. 

But, the kid’s celebration of Thanksgiving was enthusiastic and warmed everyone’s heart. As far as political correctness goes, they were pretty diverse.  We had White Indians, Black Indians, Hispanic Indians and even an Asian Indian Indian bridging two very different cultures who share a name.  Her big brown eyes would melt anyone’s heart, so I’m pretty sure it made everything OK.

Sometimes an Indian is really an Indian and sometimes, she’s from India.  Sometimes a tipi is a home for plains dwelling Native Americans, and sometimes it is a butcher paper and window blind structure for ambience.  Sometimes a drama is for teaching history, and sometimes it is just performing for parents.

Here’s to all those who fuss and bother about titles and proper names for things, for those who insist on the correct version of history and those who are so tolerant that they are intolerant of anyone who doesn’t agree with them. Relax. 

Let’s put aside politics for awhile and just enjoy watching the kids.  They don’t care about any of that anyway, they just want to dance for their parents.

Happy Holidays.

Degree of Debt

College expenses are rising faster than students can pay for them.  There is no way to graduate college without a mountain of debt.  A quality education is out of the reach of most people.  These statements and others like them just aren’t true.  It’s this either/or type of thinking that gets us in so much trouble as a nation: “You EITHER get in massive debt OR you don’t get to get a quality college education.” 

The truth is, though the average college student graduates with $22,900 in Student Loan Debt¹, it doesn’t have to work this way.  In the past 40 to 50 years, college has become this fantasy experience in our nation.  We have allowed it to become this all-expenses-paid right-of-passage full of alcohol, dating, parties, and entertainment (with a few classes thrown in).  That may be fun, but it is expensive.  We’ve sold a false bill-of-goods to our children and now, those who are graduating deeply in debt are struggling to pay for an education in an economy when fewer jobs are available.  They are angry, and rightly so, but their anger is somewhat misplaced if it is used only to blame Corporate America for a bad economy.  Perhaps some anger is due to themselves and poor choices that they have made and unrealistic expectations that they have built their young fantasies on.  Perhaps some anger is due their parents, teachers, and guidance counselors who sold them on the myth of the college experience. 

Let’s look at this myth a piece at a time.

#1 – Let’s be honest here.  Not everyone has to go to college.  Not only that, many people should NOT go to college.  Their study skills, life goals, and sheer desire may not be there.  Maybe they are going because they feel they have to in order to find a good job, or because their parents want them to go.  For some, a start in the work force is what is needed.  Others may consider trade schools or union trade apprenticeship.  Let’s not forget stay-at-home parents.  Financial concerns should never prevent someone from getting to college, but desire may (and should).  All too often, we tell kids they must go to college if they want to be somebody.  Many of the most accomplished entrepreneurs never went to college or dropped out without a college degree.  Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak dropped out of college.  Billy Joe McCombs of Clear Channel Mediadropped out of law school.  David Geffen of Dreamworks fame dropped out.   Walt Disney dropped out of high school.  So did Vidal Sassoon.  So did Richard Branson of Virgin Records and Ray Kroc of McDonalds.  Mary Kay Ash of Mary Kay cosmetics never went to college.  Hyman Golden of Snapple fame, no college.  Frank Lloyd Wright never even went to High School.  There are hundreds of others on this list², so let’s be honest that college isn’t required for everyone. 

#2 – working your way through college is not a bad thing.  Forget the whole ‘College Experience.’   You don’t need to spend tens of thousands of dollars to party for four years.  It is completely possible and realistic to work 30-40 hours a week and still attend 8-12 hours of classes.  Late nights? Yes.  Hard work?  Yep.  Severely curtailed dating life? Absolutely.  No one said it has to be easy.  What’s more, the value of working during your degree cannot be underestimated.  Part time jobs in food service, retail, and even janitorial are great character builders and offer an education in and of themselves.  You learn how to deal with people.  You learn how to serve others.  You learn the value of a dollar earned.  You learn a trade that will always be a valuable back up when times are hard.  I earned my way through college the first time working in fast food.  I know that I will always be able to support my family in the roughest of times.  I am not afraid of cleaning toilets and I am not ashamed of flipping burgers or washing dishes.  A waiter or waitress can make great money if they are hard workers and good at entertaining people too.  What’s more, the flexible schedule of restaurant work allows you to go to school during the day and work at nights and on weekends.

#3 – in almost every situation, going to an Out-of-state college is not worth the investment.  In-state tuition is cheaper and the ability to stay with relatives* makes it much more affordable, compared to paying exorbitant out-of-state tuition and dorm fees.  Yes, I know that every kid is itching to move away from home.  Yes, I know that Florida State University is right near the beach.  Yes, I know that every guidance counselor in high school wants you to apply at every college in the U.S.   But, the truth be known, you can get an excellent education at your State University. 

* it was pointed out to me that some states have larger rural populations that make staying with relatives an untenable proposition.  The savings on in-state tuition as well as using some of these other tips (especially number 4 below) still makes much more sense than going out of state.

#4 – You don’t have to go all four years to the same school.  Save money by taking your basics at a community college or online.  At the current schedule of fees and costs, I can take English 101 at a Maricopa county community college for $76 a credit hour.  Contrast that with taking the same class at ASU for $658 a credit hour².  That is TEN TIMES the cost for the same class that will transfer!!!  I recommend community college for most kids as a starter for several reasons.  Financially, it is significantly more affordable.  It gives the young adult a chance to experience a wide range of classes before locking into a degree program.  And, it gives them a chance to see if college is even right for them.  The only ones that I recommend go right into a full university are those kids who have earned a full ride scholarship.  If they’ve already worked that hard, they are ready for college, and they don’t have to worry that their classes are more expensive.  I do recommend that any students starting at community college talk with an adviser from their prospective degree university to make sure that classes they choose at the community college will transfer.  The great thing about a community college is it gives you a chance to experiment.  Take 2-3 classes of basic requirements and 1 class that looks interesting as an elective.  Most students change their degree program at least once.  Attending community college first allows you to try different things before locking in, and allows you to do it at a much more affordable rate.

#5 – Scholarships are available for more than just perfect grades or football.  There are thousands of scholarships and grants available for students.  You just have to find them.  The college financial aid counselor will point you towards some of them, but others require research.  The first time I went to college in my late teens, this meant hours in the library looking through Scholarship and Grant books and then writing essay after essay.  This time, it’s all on the internet and you can often apply online.  Often, you must still include an essay, but you can copy and paste right from your MS Word document to the online form.  Much easier. 

#6 – Extra-curricular activities are just that: extra.  Unless you have a scholarship that demands your participation in a specific sport or other program, then these things are tertiary to your primary goal of getting a good education and secondary goal of paying for the degree without drowning in debt.  If you have time then you can join a sport, a club, or a fraternity or sorority.  These things may be fun, but they just aren’t what you are there for.  Not only do these things distract you from your education and waste time that is better spent elsewhere, they cost more money.  Brutal realism is required for good financial health.

#7 – Get a degree that matters.  Very few students that I have dealt with over the years in Youth Ministry have had any clue what they really want to do for a living.  Often they have these fantasy jobs and sound certain of their goals with all the assurance of youth.  Anyone who has dealt with High School and College age kids knows the truth.  What they think they want to do coming out of High School is rarely what they end up doing for a career.  General degrees in business and education prepare you for almost any career.  Get an Associates and/or Bachelors in these fields and then specialize with a Masters degree.  If you spend four years on an Art History degree, don’t be surprised if there are few jobs open when you get out of college. 

#8 – You have to earn your stripes.  The most important lesson that we, adults, can teach kids is that you must expect to work your way up from the bottom.  You have to pay your dues. When you get out of college, you just might not be able to find a job right away.  Yes, I know, the college recruiter said that you would be making $100,000 a year within six weeks of graduation and that the college will help you find that job.  Guess what… The college recruiter’s job is to get you to come to their college (and bring money with you).  They are not always so honest about what happens after college.  What’s more, they cannot control the economy.  You will probably have to start at the bottom of your degree field and earn you way up.  You may have to do jobs you don’t like to earn your way to the job you want.  You may even have to struggle in a different field for awhile till you can even get into the company you want.  Prepare for that.  Acknowledge it now and save yourself the stress.  This is another good reason NOT to get into huge college debt.  Being debt-free or mostly so upon graduation gives you time to find your niche.  This is a good reason to work your way through college.  If you can get in on the bottom floor in a field similar to or the same as you will be working in, you may find that internship or first time job that puts you ahead of the rest of the field when you get out of school.

#9 – You don’t need credit cards to get through college.  The sad truth is that most college students  graduate with student loan debt AND credit card debt.  The average college senior graduates with an additional $4,100 in credit card debt⁴.  That is in addition to the $20,000 plus in student loans.  Credit card companies love to come to student events and give away free Frisbees and pizza for everyone who applies for a credit card.  Students, whose parents have often spent a lifetime in debt, now sell themselves into debt slavery for a slice of pizza and a toy that they won’t even have by the time they pay the bills.

#10 – College doesn’t have to take four years.  In fact, a six year degree while you work is much more realistic and will provide you with an opportunity to gain experiences that you might not have otherwise gotten.  By working your way through a realistic class schedule, you will be able to have the flexibility to take internships, study abroad for a year, serve for a summer in a charity, or any number of other life experiences that will help you be a better, well rounded person and also impress future employers. 

The college experience myth is busted.  You can have that fantasy of fraternity parties, football games, and dating the cheerleader while going to classes, but it is going to cost you.  If you choose this fairy tale, don’t be surprised when you graduate with debt up to your ears and little prospect for financial freedom in the near future.  But, if you accept reality for what it is and are willing to put a little blood, sweat, and tears (no, not the 70s band) into your education, you can come out with something of real value at a fraction of the cost, and with the ability to earn your way to the top.  For the rest of us, the teachers, youth ministers, coaches, parents, and every other person who influences young adults: it is our duty to help these kids be realistic.  Let’s not feed them any more lies about college and debt, but give them a kick start in life by teaching them the value of hard work and an earned education.  Let us pass on the idea that the world doesn’t owe them a living and they shouldn’t expect someone else to pick up the tab for their choices. 

I am not totally hard-line against any debt.  If you have to use a little to get through your last year unpaid internship, then do what you have to do.  It is much harder to get a master’s degree debt free, but do as much as you can.  It’s just the thought of teaching our kids that debt is unavoidable, so let’s just use loans for all four years and hope that we can get a job right away to pay it all.

Finally, let us help our kids in the ways we can.  If you can financially help a kid get through college, do it.  If you can pay for a book, buy them dinner, or give them your old computer or bicycle, do it.  If you can encourage them, help them research scholarships, give them a quiet place to study, do it.  If you can help them get a part-time job where you work, or write a recommendation for their internship, do it.  If you can help with their laundry, give them a ride, or assist them with homework, do it.  Whatever happens, let’s help where we can and let’s not harm them by perpetuating myths.

As long as we believe that it isn’t possible and keep telling ourselves and our kids that, then we will continue to stick them with large amounts of debt.  But, when we quit making excuses and quit perpetuating myths, then we can change our kid’s future.

1.       http://news.consumerreports.org/money/2011/05/2011-college-grads-have-highest-average-debt-to-date.html

2.       http://www.youngentrepreneur.com/blog/100-top-entrepreneurs-who-succeeded-without-a-college-degree/

3.       http://collegesearch.collegeboard.com/search/CollegeDetail.jsp?collegeId=2353&profileId=2

4.       http://www.credit.com/press/statistics/student-credit-and-debt-statistics.html

P.S. -  It’s funny, but I’ve been accused of being unrealistic and fantasizing for thinking that things can work this way.  In most cases, it is from people who don’t want to think they have made wrong choices, so they say things like, “debt is unavoidable,” or, “it’s just not possible to live debt-free.”  Yet, I know others who have taken personal responsibility and recognized that past choices do not dictate the future.  These people are paying off debt steadily and living less stressful lives.  This includes myself and my family.  I got into deep debt during my first college experience and young adult years.  After years of hard lessons and even harder work, we are almost debt free.  That is reality, not fantasy.  Invariably, the people making the excuses and saying that debt free living is a fantasy are the ones continually making the same choices that continually get them further into debt and continually cause them suffering or don’t want to be honest about their own responsibility for past choices.   Those who are brutally honest with themselves get out of trouble, those that blame others continue living in trouble.  That is my experience.  YMMV

#Occupy Yourselves

Ten Ways To Be A Better Parent + A Bonus

Parenting is the hardest job you’ll ever love. Good parenting can be very difficult. It can be enjoyable too. Having worked in youth ministry for over twelve years, I have observed some parenting techniques that seem to work well and many others that are destructive.

The hardest part about parenting is, that no matter how many right things you do, you are still dealing with another human being who will ultimately make their own choices. Even the best parents sometimes end up with black sheep. With that said, there are some better practices that make this less likely and other practices that make it more likely.

1. Consistency, Consistency, Consistency – This is extremely important. If there are two parents in the home, they need to set similar boundaries and agree on punishments and rewards. Whether you are a single parent or married, you need to individually keep boundary lines steady for your child. If you are constantly changing things or if both parents disagree and have different boundaries, your child will be unsure, lack confidence, or worse, they will learn how to manipulate the situation. Did I mention, Consistency?
2. Keep Balance – No, this has nothing to do with a tight rope and a unicycle. But, this is probably the single worst behavior that I see across the continuum of parenting today: parents who allow their children to overload their lives with busy-ness. Soccer games are followed by swimming followed by volleyball followed by dance followed by student government followed by gymnastics followed by baseball followed by club after club after club. Any one of these can be a wonderful way for your child to improve themselves; all of them together will not be. Encourage your child to pick one physical, one mental, and one spiritual thing to focus on. This is the three legged stool pictured above. You cannot have balance if you take legs away. Also, encourage them to spend some time in solitude once in awhile. As a parent, you have to set the example, too. Focus on your priorities and don’t try to do everything. This will improve the lives of the entire family because you won’t be rushing everywhere all the time.
3. You Are Not Their BFF – You are not your child’s friend. I’m sorry to say that, but it is true. You are their parent. That is not to say that you cannot have a close relationship, but when the chips are down, kids do not need another friend, they need a steady, strong, dependable adult. You have to make the hard decisions some times, set boundaries, have rules, and administer punishments. Don’t just assume that “they’ll do it anyway” when it comes to disobedience, alcohol, drugs, or any other bad or dangerous behavior. Decide what is acceptable and what is not. Guard their safety and communicate right and wrong to them. It may be rough, they may be angry at you, but ultimately they will be better for it.
4. Let Them Grow Up – You are not raising a child, You are raising an adult. Always keep in mind that you are trying to raise a person to be an effective, balanced adult who can make decisions and take care of themselves in the world. This means that you have to let them fail and learn to pick themselves up. You have to let them learn some hard lessons in life. You cannot shelter them completely from this. Your job is to maintain a tension between protecting them in an age appropriate way, and letting them step out with greater and greater responsibility and privileges. This is probably the hardest part of parenting.
5. Land the Helicopter – Please don’t hover over your kids constantly. Be involved in their lives, but don’t be there correcting every mistake they might make trying to guide every single decision in their lives. Teach them and then let them go out into the world a little bit at a time. You don’t want to still be making choices for your child when they are thirty, and you definitely don’t want to be changing diapers then.
6. Do As I Say AND As I Do – Kids see what you do and imitate that. It’s kind of scary when you experience this as a parent. I was driving with my daughter one time and someone cut me off. My daughter said from the back seat, “That guy was a clown, wasn’t he, daddy.” Evidently, she had heard me call another driver a clown for bad driving and now repeated it. It made me glad that I didn’t call him anything worse. If you want a child who is honest, don’t lie. If you want a child who respects others, don’t berate a waitress for making a mistake on your order. If you want a child who goes to church, you have to wake up and go too. If you drop an f-bomb in front of your child, you will hear it back someday.
7. Look Ahead – Don’t wait for your child to get into trouble, plan ahead. If your daughter is already pregnant at fourteen, it's too late to discuss sex with her. If you sit down and think about it, you know what stage is coming up next in their life, and you can plan how to deal with situations. When will you allow them to date alone? When will she be allowed to wear makeup? Is he really ready to have a cell phone yet? What will be acceptable driving, and what get’s the car taken away? Is it acceptable to wear kilts? Talk these ahead of time and then communicate with your child.
8. Family Time – Pick a night. Turn off the television. Turn off the phones. Don’t schedule anything else. Eat dinner together. Play a game. Talk. Ask about their day, and listen. Look through old family photo albums. Shoot some hoops together. Go camping. You may see them roll their eyes, but if you make it a regular habit, they will appreciate it. And, years later, these will be the things they remember fondly, and maybe they’ll spend some time with you by choice when you have an empty nest.
9. Don’t forget the spiritual side – One of the worst statements that I have ever heard someone say is, “I don’t think I should force morals on my child, I’ll just wait till they are old enough to decide on their own.” I have heard some version of this statement from dozens of people. Yes, religion is a personal thing. Yes, there are many spiritual choices out there. But, that doesn’t mean that it is unimportant. In fact, not making this a priority leaves your child open to many dangerous choices. The simple truth is this, your child WILL make their own choice someday anyway. Even if you raise them in church, they will someday choose for themselves. But, while they are with you, it is your responsibility to give them a healthy moral and spiritual foundation that they can build on. Consider it this way, you wouldn’t leave your toddler in a room full of knives, burning candles, and open bottles of poison. Why then would you let your child go out in a world full of dangerous messages without giving them some guidance.
10. Reward Right Behavior – Please don’t make your parenting methods based solely on punishment. When your child makes a good choice, encourage that. Help them to know that there are rewards in life for doing good as well as punishment for doing bad things. This can be a very powerful way to help them to choose right from wrong.
11. Failure is OK – Yes, you heard that right. It is OK to fail. In fact, it can be the best thing to happen to your child. I find it exasperating that children’s sports are now setup so everyone wins. Games at my daughter’s schools are this way. We have had kids in our youth group in school programs where no one gets an F. Everything is positive and everyone is happy. We wouldn’t want to accidentally damage their poor little self-esteem. If you don’t fail, how can you ever realize that you need to improve? What impetus is there to strive if there is no pain from failure? This unhealthy concept does nothing to prepare your child to grow up in the real world where they will lose their job if they don’t make enough sales, where they will have to compete for job interviews, where they will have to earn their own way. Don’t protect your child from failure. Help them learn to pick themselves. Teach them how to evaluate the reasons for their failure and decide if this is what they need be doing. Help them learn how to strive for goals and how to respect themselves if they gave it all they had and still weren’t the best.

Yes, I know that's eleven annd not ten, but if you have read my blog before, you know I don't like to be bound by such silly superstitions as math. I cannot guarantee that these ideas will make you a perfect parent, but they can you a better one. As always, I invite you, as the reader to contribute your own ideas in comments.

This post is Number 4 in a series of Ten Top Ten Lists on improving yourself. This series will be posted daily.

Tomorrow: Ten Ways to Be a Better Employee

BONUS:

This Top 10 article has a bonus: 10 things that don’t work in parenting:

1. Too Much Time At Work – Some parents (especially men) believe that parents should provide everything a child might want. Often they say things like, “I just want to give them what I didn’t have when I was a kid.” Then, the parent works long hours to provide the funds to make this happen, in the interim, missing out on their child’s day-to-day life. Your entire family will do much better if you adjust your priorities, do without some luxuries, and spend that extra time together.
2. Telling Them They Aren’t Good Enough – Few parents actually come out and say this, but the message becomes loud and clear when the child comes home with a B and is told they could have had an A if they tried harder. Parents often drive their kids to be the best in school, the best in sports, the best in all they do. A healthier way is to encourage them to be the best they can be in their own strengths and weaknesses. If your child struggles with Math and brings home a B, rejoice. If they are excellent at Math, then encourage them to apply themselves more. Let them know that, if they work at something and do well, that is enough. They don’t have to be the best at everything.
3. Raising False Hopes – This is the other end of the spectrum from the previous one. Parent’s sometimes give their kids too much encouragement. The simple truth is, not everyone can be a professional basketball player. If your child is the shortest in class and clumsy, they probably won’t ever play pro-ball. Encourage them to play for fun. If your child sings like a frog and they aren’t selected for choir, don’t tell that they are the best singer and the Director made a mistake. Help them (in a balanced way) to understand their strengths and build on those.
4. Rigidity – No one likes to live in a dictatorship of absolutes. As a parent, you have to be flexible at times. Give a little, once in awhile. This is not to say that you shouldn’t be consistent, but gentle consistency is much better than rigid, by-the-book domination. Also, consider the realities of each child and tailor your parenting somewhat to each. As a child, I was an introvert who could spend all day reading by myself. Time-outs just wouldn’t work for me. Even if you took my book away, I was fine just being inside my own head. My wife, however, was very social, so a time out was definitely a punishment to her.
5. Punishments That Don’t Fit the Crime – Overly broad punishments or punishments that have nothing to do with the crime don’t help the child learn. The best thing parents can do is to send the child to their room and discuss the gravity, the scope, and the method of punishment. If your 9 year old lies to you about taking a cookie from the cookie jar, taking their allowance away has no connection. However, having them write 100 times, “Lying makes people not trust me” and restricting them from cookies for a week has a direct connection that will leave an impression.
6. Letting Them Grow Up Too Fast – This is very important. I hate shopping with my daughter now. The stores sell sexy clothes to 8-9 year old girls. I hate to see parents who allow their pre-teen to dress in clothing that looks like it belongs on a stripper. Movies and video games are the same way. A child’s mind cannot process certain ideas until their brains develop that area. Your twelve year old should not be watching the movie, “Saw.” An eight year old has no business playing a video game where you shoot prostitutes. You don’t have to completely shelter them, but, you do need to use wisdom in what you expose them to and at what age they are exposed to it.
7. Sheltering Them Too Much – This is another one of those tension things. You can’t protect them from everything. They do have to grow up sometime and realize that there are bad people in the world.
8. Public Punishment – Please don’t punish your children in front of other people, especially their peers. Punishment should be limited to the family and take place in a situation where reasons can be discussed. Also, on this subject, talk about punishments with your kids to make sure they understand the reasons, and how to make better choices in the future. Finally, when the punishment is done, let it be done. Don’t keep bringing the issue up again and again in the future (unless the child keeps making the same mistake).
9. Living Vicariously Through Your Kids – So you were the star football player and helped win the game against Podunk High 20 years ago. Don’t pressure your child to be a football star. Big Deal, you wanted to be a professional piano player, but your hands weren’t big enough. Please don’t force your kids into 18 years of piano lessons. Allow your kids to be who they want to be. Allow them to enjoy their own likes and dislikes. Feel free to tell them long boring stories about your childhood, just don’t try to make them into your image.
10. Divorce – OK, it’s a modern world, and you’re in charge of your own life. I get that. But, what hurts kids the most is when adults are more childish than they are. Except in cases of abuse, divorce is very hurtful for children. A recent study showed that children who were part of a divorce situations still had problems 25 years later. What’s worse, if parents are bickering, using the kids as pawns in their battles, or tearing down the other parent in front of the children; the damage is much worse. I have two words, GROW and UP!!! If you aren’t divorced, but have marital problems, get help. Please. Find a marriage counselor, join a married couples support group, talk to clergy. Repairing your marriage is the best gift you could give your children. If you are divorced, at least play nice in front of your kids. And, as a side note, if you are a single parent, do NOT date in front of your kids. Wait until you and the other person are seriously considering marriage to begin introducing them. Bringing a parade of boyfriends or girlfriends in and out of your child’s life is very scarring to them.

Man of Steel?

I have long had a working theory of life that says, ‘women are much stronger than men.’ I have seen this born out again and again in other people. It flies in the face of Victorian thinking of women as ‘the fairer sex.’ This last week, it was brought to life in a very real way for me.

I observed this from an early age. Whenever someone died in our community, there was a machine that began moving. Women came around each other, cooking meals, comforting each other, dropping kids off at school, and cleaning house for the hurting family. The men always seemed to hang out in another room laughing and joking, however, even from an early age, I saw the tightness around their eyes and the speed to anger during these times. They never faced the pain and never dealt with the loss.

When I was first out of high school, I worked for a time as an apprentice to a blacksmith. One thing I learned about steel is that if you expose it over time to heat in a process called annealling, the steel is stronger because it is flexible. But, if you take steel and suddenly heat it and suddenly cool it, it becomes brittle and will break or shatter.

As I have grown, especially since working in ministry, I have observed this more and more in people. Women are like willows along a river bank, bending in the wind, supporting each other through intertwined branches. Men try to stand alone against troubles and end up breaking when it becomes too much. Obviously, there is some generalization to this, but I can say that experience has shown me that this is more true than not.

There is a reason that you see many more single moms than single dads. This could be the reason that many widowers follow their wives into the grave within a few months, but many widows continue on for years. It likely has some bearing on the difference in life expectancy for men versus women.

As a husband and dad, the hardest thing for me is to see my wife or daughters hurting. I want to take the pain away, to protect them, no matter what it takes. I would walk through broken glass, run through fire, or stand in the way of a bullet to save any one of them. I have long been a man who could handle emergencies, keeping a cool head when others lose theirs, seeing the route out of trouble and directing others when the going gets rough.

But, what do I do when the chips are on the table and there is nothing I can do to affect the outcome? How do I deal with that place where physical strength and mental knowledge are useless to make a difference. What happens when it is my wife or child on the line and there isn’t anything I can do about it? That’s where I find my breaking point.

This last week, I watched my wife show a strength beyond what I ever realized that she had. She had practiced pregnancy exercises, relaxation techniques, pushing past pain. Together we educated ourselves on the issues of birth and pregnancy and made choices on the care and medical intervention that we wanted. When it came time for labor and delivery, she heroically faced 26 hours of intensifying contractions without medications that might harm the baby. She handled it well.

We had two ladies with us who handled it all well too. Zabrina, our doula stayed through the whole experience, supporting, encouraging, and educating us. Our dear friend Kris was also there, helping out, timing contractions, and encouraging Becky.

I handled it well too. I was there for the education and practice (not to mention the conception). I exhorted her, encouraged her, and took care of her. I prayed with her, rubbed her back, talked her through the pain, told her how beautiful she was, held her hand, and brushed her hair. I stayed strong, buoyed by her example. If she could handle the pain well, then I could walk by her side and help her through it.

That was all well and good until the circumstances were taken out of our hands. After 19 hours, she was dilated 9 cm and almost there, but six hours later, there was still no change and the contractions were not strengthening to push the baby out. Her blood pressure was getting dangerously high and she was weakening. Two doctors were in conflict as to what to do. One suggested Pitocyn to increase the contractions. Our doctor was called and he said that could be very dangerous, possibly hurting the baby or my wife because he believed the baby was stuck (shoulder dystocia). As they began to discuss the risks and dangers to both mom and baby...

I broke.

I have known two men who went home from the hospital as single fathers of a brand new born baby with no wife due to death during or after delivery. It still happens.

The combination of being awake for 40 hours and physically and emotionally charged for 26 of those hours had stripped away any defenses that I had.

I broke.

I laid down with my wife and held her, wanting to protect her to take the damage on myself.

I broke.

The nurses and doctors came and went, but I wasn’t much use.

I broke.

Fortunately, my wife stayed strong and helped make the decisions. Fortunately, Zabrina and Kris stayed strong and helped through those important moments. Fortunately the doctor and the nurses did their duty well. My beautiful wife and my lovely new daughter are safe and healthy.

I recognize the truth of male weakness in this area. I’m not sure what lesson to take away from it all, I can only share my observations at this point.

From now on, I hope that all I have to face involves easy stuff like bullets, flames, and broken glass. These I can handle. Just like Lois Lane to Superman and Mary Jane to Spiderman, the women in my life are my greatest strength and greatest weakness. I'm just glad that I have such a tough wife who is able to leap tall buildings and stop trains with her bare hands.

Thank you Becky, Thank you Zabrina, Thank you Kris, Thank you Dr. Holeman and most importantly, Thank you dear Lord.

I Need a Hero

One of my earliest memories as a child was watching my father face death.

When I was about five years old, we lived across the street from an apartment building that was somewhat disreputable. One day, we heard a loud confrontation going on out in the street. The landlord who owned the building was arguing with a tenant who owed back rent. While we watched, the tenant reached in the back of his pickup truck and pulled out a wooden tomato stake and hit the landlord in the head, knocking him to the ground where he lay crumpled. My father (who was a former ambulance attendant) instructed my mom to call the police and then he went out front.

While we watched fearfully from the upstairs window, my father walked up to the angry tenant who was still yelling and waiving the stick at the unconscious and possibly dead landlord on the ground. As my father approached, the man turned the stick towards him and demanded to know if he, “wants some too.” Dad told the angry man that he was just there to check on the injured man and then he turned his back to the tenant and began checking on the landlord.
With that, sirens began in the distant and the tenant jumped in his truck and roared off down the street out of sight. We found out later that he was captured at gunpoint a few blocks away as he drove right into the oncoming police.

A few years ago, there was a woman brutally beaten and then raped in South Mountain park, while bystanders watched, unwilling to get involved. Since then, I have seen this story repeated dozens of times in different localities by different people, always the same outcome. Someone is attacked and other people stand by doing nothing, out of fear or apathy.

Where are the superheroes? Where are the warriors? Where are the knights in armor charging in on white steeds with swords slashing? Where is the cowboy in the white hat with guns ablazing?

Moral responsibility doesn’t require superheroes, knights, cowboys, or other fictional heroes. It requires ordinary people who have had moral upbringing to stand up through fear and do the right thing.

And moral upbringing, my friends, is where we are falling down.

As a nation, we have begun raising generation after generation of morally crippled individuals.

The Shema of Judaism (found in Deuteronomy 6 for Christians) says, “Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one, Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up…”

Did you catch that? “Impress them on your children.” That’s an imperative. It doesn’t say, “if your children ask,” it instructs us to do something about it. Then, it goes further. The instruction isn’t just once. It isn’t just in school. It is not just at church. It says, “Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up…”

As a youth minister, I am often surprised and appalled at the lack of moral education in the home. Parents bring their kids to church occasionally (not even regularly) and expect them to get their ‘dose of morality’ that way.

On more than one occasion, I have had parents who don’t regularly attend church call me up to ask me to deal with some issue that their child is facing. “My child is cheating in school…”, “My child is lying to me…”, “My child is hanging around with the wrong crowd”, “My child is_________.” They then say something along the lines of, “I told them that the Bible says…” this is generally followed by some misquoted passage or even something that isn’t in the Bible at all.

My question to them is, “How can you expect your child to respect to follow God’s law if you don’t even do so?”

I recently asked my Junior High and High School kids how often their parents talked to them about biblical issues at home. The resulting quiet was deafening.

It is simply impossible for a child to learn right and wrong unless they are exposed to it.

The symptoms are everywhere – steroid use in sports, Enron, Bernie Madoff, cheating scandals at Ivy League schools, the rise in violent youth crimes, and so on.

These things will continue to happen and continue getting worse until the adults of the world begin the simple and vital task of teaching moral values to our children.

My father’s actions so long ago have had a lifelong impact on me. I cannot stand aside watching evil triumph. I do what I do because of this. It may sound cliché, but, All that is required for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing.

Let's change the world. You and I. We can do it. We'll teach our children and the kids that we meet about truth and justice, about right and wrong, about love and hate. Let's dare them to stand up for the good and then, let's show them that we live it in our own lives too.

Where have all good men gone

And where are all the gods?

Where’s the street-wise Hercules

To fight the rising odds?

Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?

Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need

I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night

He’s gotta be strong

And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight

Lyrics from ‘I Need a Hero’ by Bonnie Tyler